It was a summer night. She remembered it well. The trees danced stiffly as the wind coaxed them along, and as birds sang their notes to the dying sun. The dappled pattern of the leaves’ shadows on the forest floor engrossed the brunette as she walked to the lake.
Two weeks had passed and the fireflies had yet to return. She recalled their habit of capturing her spirit and whisking her away every night to the magical land of her massive imagination. They would lift her up, out of her body, and she would fly with them across the never-ending sky to a place she named “Zaltana.” It resided on a mountain, deep in the forest, where a pond was surrounded by little people that lived in small villages and sang songs all through the night.
The crickets sung along with them.
Gracefully, the brunette stepped into the clearing and looked around her, grey eyes scanning the sky for any hint of a flashing light. Just one. It was all she needed to know the small, luminescent insects had not deserted her.
That they had not left her all alone.
“Are you coming out tonight?” the girl whispered to the darkening sky, the sun slowly setting behind the trees. “Will you take me home…?”
No answer but a hoot in the night and the girl looked down, a sigh deflating her chest.
“I just want at least one more night. I want to say goodbye to the Little People. I want to tell them of what’s happened, of what’s happened with Papa. They said they wanted to know if he’d be okay. I have to tell them that he’s alright. I have to tell them…” With a bite of her lip, the girl walked over to the lake and sat on the log there, humming low as she closed her eyes.
Her hair danced in the wind, the strands tickling the pale skin at her neck and shoulders.
“One night…that’s it…”
The wind slowly, oh so slowly, came to a stop and the girl opened her grey eyes to the lake. The surface was so still, as if glass. Rising to her feet, she stuck her hand into the water and shut her lids once again as the coolness of the liquid stretched up to her wrist, longing to latch onto more of her.
“One night…”
When she opened her eyes again, a gasp filled her lungs.
Millions of golden lights alternatively blinked on and off, alerting her of the presence of her beloved fireflies.
Tears entered her eyes. “You came…”
The fireflies seemed to hum in response and dipped down to her, fastening their little legs to her body to where she became a show of lights, twinkling in the night. The pull at her every being then occurred and the overwhelming feeling of release adorned her. Gently, the fireflies lifted into the air, and took with them the girl’s spirit.
Over the trees across the never-ending sky to the mountain that accommodated Zaltana. And to the pond where the Little People lived.
She was set on her feet, and the brunette could not help but grin as the Little People ran up to her, as if she’d never even left, and asked her of her Papa.
Years ago, she’d believed in them until society crippled her imagination. Until they molded her into what was accepted. But she still thinks about the Little People, the lake, and the fireflies. And whenever she happens to see one of those twinkling lights in the sky, she lets herself forget about reality.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
I love the way you made it sound so innocent and magical. Its truly a tale about a young girl, lost in her imagination and going off into amazing and beautiful lands. The description of everyone was really good and it painting a picture in my mind.
All that being said though, I sort of found the story slightly depressing. In a good way though. It made me want to know more, yet worry about what was going to happen.
Nice story!
~ BookWolf
Wow! very good descriptions! i really loved how you made it so child like and innocent and i really felt captivated at such an imaginative piece. despite not having any background explanation, you can infer what happened easily and really see good character development and get a feel for her. i really would like to see more and know what happened or why this event ended up happening. great job!
This is great! It really hits close to home for me, as I am losing my imagination. I agree with Kendastic, you should write stories about when she was littler. I love the description and this entire story is very pretty.
Ah, there is no such thing as loss of imagination. It will always be there. You just have to have the willpower to activate it and stimulate it constantly. But thank you very much, I am glad you enjoyed it.
~Ikkoku
I absolutely love this. I would love to live in Zaltana. You should make a story surrounding the girl when she's young and her adventures with her Little People. I would love to read it.
This story actually hits me hard. I just graduated high school, and will be leaving for college in a little over a month. I have always been a kid at heart, and I don't want to leave my childhood behind. This story helps remind me that its never lost, I just have to escape for a little while to return.
Good work and keep being amazing!
Thanks for reading, first off.
I should make a story like that, shouldn't I? Was a while back when I wrote this, and was considering rewriting it, but I think it'd be better if I delved deeper into the story, and into her childhood... I might just do that instead of rewriting it and all... It'd be a short, refreshing story, I think.
I understand the pain of graduating high school and having to face the "real world". I graduated...last year, but took a break before going to college. But I've been working all this year, which has been...very hard. In a way, I cannot wait to go ahead and attend college and all that, but I'm going to miss the life I have been living. My escape, instead of the "fireflies" and "little people" is my writing, and I think I'll always have that.
Thank you again! You're awesome.
~Ikkoku
Heyo! Subtle here for a review, I'm sorry if I make any spelling mistakes because I'm typing this on a tiny iPad Air. I really liked the subject of this piece, childhood is such a previous thing and yet, it is being shorten as we speak. Society threatens to take away childhood by bombarding children with technology, social problems and all. I liked the idea that you wrote this story to commemorate childhood. I also really like that imagery in this piece as well, fireflies and the way that you've written the dialogue really brings out the longing in her voice.
I've got a few nitpicks for you:
You have two contradictory elements in that sentence, 'coaxed' and 'stiffly' the two metaphors clashes together. If the wind is coaxing the trees, they should be bending their arms gracefully. Stiffly jars out very oddly.
I'm not sure if a gasp can fill a lung...perhaps a gasp filled the silent air or something along those lines?
I notice your use of 'to's here, using 'to's is a classic telling technique so you want to avoid that in a descriptive piece like this. Writing, 'to do something' is not the same as 'do something'. Adding the to in front of it, makes the action pre-determined and static. Though don't avoid the use of every 'to' just try and avoid it.
'The' is missing a y, assuming you meant 'they'.
The last sentence has an awkward flow to it, the fireflies lifted into the air make them sound mechanical. Also, the use of spirit here makes them sound like they were taking her life source away. xD.
Awww, you could have developed this so much more! I wanted to see the land they live in, even if it is in a short story, some world-building adds wonder to your story. It gives your story a sense of atmosphere and mood and the readers get a more solid grip on what the story is about. Also, I know this is a rule that pretty much everyone breaks but I think you should avoid that.
Starting a sentence with 'And' is abrupt, like you started the sentence in the middle of something. Also, the transition between the mountain and the pond seemed to be a bit too swift. Like I said, you could add in some descriptions about the scenery while they travelled to avoid that.
This seemed to pop out of nowhere as well, I really would have liked some more insight on who these Little People are and what relationship they have of her Papa. You've only scratched the surface of a massive iceberg here with this sentence, because that sentence along could be developed as well. Who are these little people? What do they mean to her? Why does she want to see them? Where is her Papa? All these questions are waiting to be answered.
The ending was good, but it too seem to be a bit abrupt, because it didn't really connect with the second last paragraph. Like you jumped from the little people to a summary. Take time to explore these things. But overall, I liked the story.
All the best, if you have any question, shoot me a PM.
-S.s
First off, thank you for taking the time to read and write a review. Props to you.
Yes, I realize how weird that sounds now, a while after writing this piece. I do not remember when I wrote this, but it has been...at least a year or two now. I do not quite remember what I mean by a lot of the things I say... But the wind "coaxing" the trees was kind of weird, yes.
Hah! A gasp filled her lungs. Oops. You're right. A gasp cannot fill one's lungs... Silly me.
I also used maaaany telling verbs here, instead of showing verbs. I am much better with that, now, thank the gods.
Some of the phrases in here are weird. I think I was probably distracted while writing this... There are a lot of things I should have developed, and I am kicking myself for that now, heh...
But, thank you very much again for taking the time to read this and write a detailed review on it.
~Ikkoku
Well, look who it is! Hi bestie! When I clicked on this, didn't even notice the username till I was inside the story.
Love you!
I love how you start off his, but in the first paragraph, maybe instead of saying "and as birds sang their notes..." you could say "and as the" or "and the". Might flow a little better, yes?
I'm not even gonna bother looking for grammar or spelling mistakes. I know there won't be any, and you're way better at it than I am anyways.
You say "little people" and I'm imaginging like...the oompa loompas from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. They were so adorable.
What happened with her papa? I'm curious. Wish you would have elaborated a little more on that.
"The pull at her every being then occurred and the overwhelming feeling of release adorned her." I don't understand this sentence...I feel as though I may be missing something.
I love how you ended it! How, even though she's conformed to society's views, she still thinks about them and allows hersel to just "forget".
As usual, I enjoyed your works (even if I don't get to read it all that often....). And you know, if you have something to say about this....just yell at me in our place.
Hi there!
Yeah, this story doesn't elaborate on anything. I think when I wrote it, it was supposed to be a little "flash fiction" kind of thing, where the characters are vague, and it focuses more on the theme or description. I could not figure out what it was for when I wrote it --- then, as I wrote this, oh, look, I remember. Heh.
At this point, I have no idea what was supposed to have happened to her "papa" either... Maybe I could have polished this up before posting it since I wrote it a while ago, buuuut oh well.
Thanks for reviewing, Love.
Hey, kammie here gonna leave you a little review
. Still, because you describe the girl well, but you don't describe much other than the fire flies and how they whisk her off the village. What happened to her papa? And more so, when she has grown up and been molded into what society wants, what is that exactly? What is she? Just simple things to touch up on you know?
Well, lemme just start with a good thing, or a few. I do enjoy the story, I like how it is simple and sweet and short. It is an easy thing to read and just as easy to enjoy! You took a simple, every summer-night insect of childhood and turned it into a magical way to escape to imagination, to escape the world. I really do love the idea of it.
To get on with silly errors everyone should make I really don't see any. I don't see commas or periods where they shouldn't be and I don't really see any missing apostrophes. Then again, I don't exactly have an eye for those things, so someone else will probably pick up on them
Moving on, you have detail but I feel you could have more detail. Like, describe what the 'Little people' look like. In all honestly, I picture them as the little trolls from the movie Frozen
I kinda dozed off during this and I was going to write more but I simply can't remember what that was supposed to be
Keep writing!! ~ kammie
Thank you for your review - love how this site has people who actually read things, hah!
This story here is one that I wrote a long time ago that was really just a bit of a spur of the moment thing. I did not expect it to be all that great, but it does represent my style of writing in a way. I should have gone into detail with the Little People and her "Papa," yes. My mistake. I would have added things in (since I wrote it a while ago), but I think that would have taken away from the honesty of the piece. It would no longer have been spur of the moment, you know?
I should honestly put more current things up here, but I like to have complete things when I post such things.
But thank you very much for the review!
~Ikkoku