The sound of tears crashing to the ground
The spinning images...just go round 'n round
I can't help the things I feel inside
And the pain you see, I just can't hide.
No matter how many times I try,
It ends the same - you saying goodbye
Though, I know it's the best for you
The best for me was always you
Never understood the pain I felt when you left
Though, when you did, you commited theft.
Stole my heart, my emotions, my mind
Though, you never took with you the pain that would reside.
Leave me now, while weak and clueless.
I'm not ready for this, I'm useless.
Thought I could always count on someone so strong,
Only to find out it was a petty act all along.
If only I'd seen the look on your face,
I would've saved a hell of a lot of time looking for my place.
And now I've found it, and it's definitely not with you.
It's within my own heart that I will find peace through solitude.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hi, I wanted to tell you that I think the emotion and experience behind all of this is really beautiful. I can see how much you cared about whoever it is that you're writing about because your words cry with tears and frustration, showing themselves on this screen. I did feel, though, that in a few places you might have been better off by adding simple words like "a", "to", to add syllables in the parts that were somewhat choppy. Like here:
"(You) never understood the pain I felt when you left
though, when you did, you committed (a) theft."
and also
"Stole my heart, my emotions, my mind
though, you never took with you the pain (too soon to) reside."
Merely a few thoughts about how I probably would have phrased things if I were gifted enough to write about such intimate parts of my own feelings. I really think that this is a great poem and that the little bits that were rough don't even compare with the magnitude of talent that came through your honesty with yourself and willingness to let others see it. Thank you for giving this to YWS and for helping inspire me. Keep writing because I can't wait to read more from you.
Hello~
Aley here to review!
First thing first, I'd like to say that you've developed a clear beat with this rhyme. You've gotten the flow down and keep it through the poem, allowing things to proceed at the pace which the flow requires. That's good about this poem.
When looking at this poem in terms of rhyming, I'm afraid you're not quite there yet. While you have some good rhymes, several of them sound forced and the sentences around them don't really fit with any sort of context. For a better explanation, I'll paraphrase how I read this poem sentence by sentence.
I'm actually going to include the sentences so that you can see them as they'd naturally be read in prose too, because I think you might find that you need to break some things up and simplify some sentences to make better singular ideas.
The Paraphrase:
The Sentences:
Also this give me a chance to point a few things out. You use "though" a lot, and some sentences, especially the longer ones, have really confusing messages.
This sentence has a subject of "it" and the predicate of "ends the same" with modifiers tacked on thereafter. "You saying goodbye though I know it's best for you" makes sense. This is all one modifier, clarifying how it ends. This is fine. "the best for me was always you never understood the pain I felt when you left though" is all one part according to your punctuation. This is STILL attempting to Modify how things end. Honestly this is a new sentence, and a confusing one in itself. It would be better grammatically to split it up into multiple sentences.
"No matter how many times I try, it ends the same, you saying goodbye. Though I know it's the best thing for you, the best for me is always you. You never understood the pain I felt when you left. When you did, you committed theft." Breaking it up this way gives us more bodies of ideas rather than the one long run-on sentence and I think it maintains the flavor of the poem you wanted?
I'd suggest looking at the rest of the sentences in this way, punctuating them, and then adding stanzas to suit the best individual lines. Each line of a poem should be it's own universe, a unique image or idea within a poem that can stand just as well alone as together with the rest of its sentence, stanza, and poem.
I'm really glad to see some fresh blood on YWS, and I hope this helps get you aiming in a creative direction. This is just an attempt to get you to creatively explore the avenues poetry can give you and provide some fresh ideas to the structures and grammar of poems.
-Aley
Hello! Team Aqua here for another review!
First of all, I think your poem has a beautiful flow to it and could easily become a song, if you're into music, that is.
You used simple yet descriptive words rather than extremely long ones, this is great as it makes the poem sound more truthful. As no one really using drawn out words to talk any more, they can make a poem seem more exaggerated than real. So nice job!
I'm not too sure about this bit. It just doesn't sound right, having the lines end the same. Perhaps try to use something else.
This is my favourite part. It's a brilliant ending!
This is very awesome! I really like this poem because of the beginning and the end. You definitely began it correctly and you definitely ended it correctly. And I love how your ending is connected with the title. Flawless! I would usually do that in my poems. But overall, this is awesome! I will look for more of your poems. Don't give up and always write!