Also I wrote this TWO years ago and didn't edit it cause my friend pushed me off my seat and published it... I've some interesting friends that know nothing about writing... I'm editing it in my spare time though. I might make this two chapters after adding a lot. I'm sorry i know it kinda sucks right now.Thanks for the understanding! It'll be done soon. probably two days! I'll delete this one and just repost it. Thanks again! :) Reposted it but still not done btw
“Thank god schools over!” Nikki yelled. In the middle of the hallway, as we were leaving.
“Definitely not worth all the yelling Nikki! Seriously it’s only summer break. We go to college in like 3 months.” Anthony still was paranoid about getting a ‘C’ in Mandarin, and everything else.
“You’re just mad because I got in ‘A’ in every class and you didn’t.’’ Nikki replied
“Shut up about the grades!” Shaunt had a voice when he wanted to.
I had rented out my own apartment, got all the college supplies and everything else I needed. My mind set was perfect, basically. Keeping all ‘A’s and after school activities got me a full scholarship. I was super excited I was going to become a scientist, a biologist more specifically. But that was all a month ago. Everything had gone and changed one Wednesday morning.
It was noon. I, as you should know, LOVE to sleep in. My wavy brown hair was a huge mess, asking for max attention that I didn’t want to give it. I threw it into a ponytail and walked to the lobby to get my mail. I assumed it was going to all be junk mail. After I walked back up to my room I fell onto my couch and started looking through, spam, spam, some more spam, and a pale blue, rectangular envelope. I thought it was something from school when I opened it and read in bold letters “United States of America thanks you, Mickey White, to serve your country, in the war with North Korea. You have two months to prepare.” That’s all I could read. I broke down crying with a couple screams. I know that they probably wanted me because of all my family that’s been in it. My grandfather had joked about signing me up, or so I thought. I reread it and noticed the “thanks”. “United States of America thanks you, Mickey White, to serve your country, in the war with North Korea. You have two months to prepare.” I reread it 3 more times and called my parents. They had known. I hung up on them as soon as she said that. I didn’t want to hear my grandfather’s excuse so I didn’t call him. I started crying again.
Fifteen minutes later and I called my friends. I forgot Anthony and Shaunt signed up. Apparently Nikki is being offered a lot of money to help the nurses. She agreed of course. It’s her thing she really wants to be a doctor so it’s good for her.
We had two months to prepare. Two months I thought. No not okay. Two months is my birthday. That was NOT okay with me. I wanted to have a fun 19th birthday. Not one at a boot camp. Was I going to make it to my 20th birthday was my thought. I screamed again. Then I heard a knock on my door. It was my neighbor Marie she wanted to make sure I was okay. I said yes and invited her in. I made some tea grabbed some cookies and told her what happened. Wow she said as I showed her the letter. Makes sense why you screamed a couple times. We laughed.
Two days later I sent a response to a couple people. They wanted to know what I wanted for my birthday.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
That was very good. It was very exciting to read. However, it needs more of a introduction. Like, where are we? When are we? Who is this character? It moves too quickly to the climax, which is something I also struggled with in early writing. Try adding more to the beginning and it will build up way better at the climax.
Okay. Thanks!
hi!
I really like where this story is going and I'm happy you chose to re-look at it because now tha you're older you're probably moe experienced and can make it a great big deal better. My general thought on this is to make sure you don't rush it and be much more descriptive, make it more of a short story.
Here are the nitpicks:
Two things in this part:
1) *school's over
2) take away that full stop after 'yelled' and join those two sentences.
First of all, I think it just flows nicer if you just write 'was still' instead of 'still was' but it doesn't really make a difference.
*an 'A'
You need a full stop at the end of this.
I would put 'basically' at the front of this.
I think it's better to change the caps to the cursive font.
I think you need to really expand more on how she felt when she opened the lette. This all seemed very rushed. You have the power to make your piece of writing very effective on the reader, use more of the narrator's emotions.
This sentence didn't really work for me.
try:
I had known that they wanted me, probably because of all my famili that's been involved in this war.
Something like that. Same message but change the sentence.
Again, this is very rushed and seems emotionless apart from the mention of crying. Describe the scene in more detail. Did she feel her legs go numb and sink to the floor? Be more descriptive.
Take away the 'and'.
Same thing here: maybe add the conersation, describe how they reacted... Move step by step into the story and detail it.
Here you use 'is' which is present tense. Change it to 'was'.
I would change this sentence. 'It's her thing' doesn't really sound nice in my opinion.
Don't forget question marks and I would reformulate this sentence. Also, describe in more depth how she felt!
Keep writing!
thegirlwhowrites
pretty good description but i think you must elaborate the part in which you tell about the letter.do not insert unnecessary emotions too much it makes the story dull.otherwise thumbs up to you
Okay and thanks! (Btw I've been working on the letter part a lot more.)