For those few days

okay, idk what this is it's just a bunch of random crap that came out of my head 2day. I really can't tell if it's good or not so...critique!



Walking hand in hand with you.
Laughing softly as we go on.
My heart sings a song
For only you and I to know.

Our gaze trails on, to the horizon
My eyes catche more than this lovely view.
The Beauty portrayed before us decieves.
The sun it lies, and soon we'll find the sky holds up a plastic hue
As curtains part and evenings darkness plays out it's true heart.
Black and cold is all that these colors hold.
The sceene before us shall take in it's part of separating both our hearts
Behind the painted sunset lay
Shades of shadows dark and gray.
I saw it coming all along
But I didn't run, and to you I still held on.
I swore my heart to silence and secrecy,
I'd never share with you what i had seen
Least it break us, sooner than our time be.
I just wanted untouched to be, the love that was there between you and me.
Even if i could only hold it for a little more than a few moments.
I didn't want to worry you
with all the damage that you'd do my heart later on
So, I never told you...
This isn't gonna feel good,
27 miles down the road
This isn't gonna feel good, and there won't be a you and i.
One of us will come out hurting, with broken wings.
I never was concerned
Because It won't be you,
Somehow I know I'll be the one to break our fall
In the darkness you'll go free
All the pain will fall to me.

I'll be crushed.
Tossed in tempests of pain, now threatening to drown me.
As for hurting,
You won't feel a thing.
None of what has happened here
Will even slightly touch you.
Hurt from this, you'll never see.
You'll come out of this happy; even smiling.
I'll won't come out at all
I'll still be standing here, trapped inside this moment watching as u walk away
Trying to find all the parts of my broken heart that lay in peices front of me.
Staring dumbfound at the broken remainder peices of what was once you and me.
All of my hearts memorys pressed closely against my souls bare breasts.
Where i feel from my core the steady rythem of a heartbeat, coming from inside my chest.
It's song is strong, it cuts deep like a knife.
It's searing pain like a burning flame, I feel branding deep within me.
As our days old melody's fade, drifting slowly away.
Like an ocean wave, gone back out to sea.
Sweet is the pain i feel as you drift so far from me.
Apart; Separated are we,
Like the shore and the ship far out in sea.
This is the way I always saw that it would one day be.
I knew it was coming all along,
And I gave you my all even knowing that you couldn't stay.
I loved you with everything inside of me, I held nothing back from thee.
Because I loved loving you, for those few days...It was my perfect dream.
Everything we ever shared will always be held sacred to me,
Because I loved loving you, for those few days.
You were my perfect dream.

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

I liked this. A little darker and more depressing than what I usually read, but still good. *Gasp!* Grammar and spelling alert! A couple of misspelled words and things that need to be capitalized and de-capitalized.

As our days old melody's fade

I think you meant melodies.

This isn't gonna feel good

Find another word besides "gonna." I'm not even sure it's a real word and it doesn't really fit the context. The entire poem is written in a very elegant and, well, poetic manner, and that in creates literary whiplash.
Also, a couple of lines seemed a little awkward and confusing to me. Some I had to reread. It needs some editing, but all in all, I like it!

User avatar
hobbes
Comment

alright, i admit it, i didn't come here to critique. just to say, 27!!!!!! you have just added more proof to the 27 conspiracy. good job. you should be proud. i do like that line though. so yes. thank you.

--the conspirator--

User avatar
justme~
Review
justme~ wrote a review · Mon Jan 26, 2009 5:26 pm

it's sooo beatiful!!
Definitely one of my absolute favorites of yours!
You're so good at this!!!!!!!!!
hehe there were some spelling that could be corrected
and heck I don't really care about misspells but im going to do it for a review!
"My eyes catche more than this lovely view."
drop the 'e'!!!!!!
hahaha.
that's it. Isn't that a great critique?!?!
I loooved the part that said

"This isn't gonna feel good,

27 miles down the road"

because of how you put the number 27 in there!!!!!!!!!!
it's my favorite number=D
and well it's just a really awesome poem!



"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
— Lewis Carroll