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We are Sisters till the end

by Muskie

I am Isabelle and for once in my life this is my story. I was born in a respected and loving family, with already a wonderful sister to guide me. She was Ali, from the very beginning of my days Ali got all the attention and love of everyone she met. It was quite a charm of her. I was always in the background looming like a shadow with nowhere to go. But, it is life and you need to be strong  we're Ali's words .Soon, I went to school and once again my loving sister was there to support me. I had no identity of my own other than I am the sister of the perfect goddess Ali. How I hated all the favours given to me at school because of her.But again, you are a lucky girl to have so many favours without much work,  was general verdict of my parents. Have you ever seen an Oak tree with a weed growing beside it , quite an unusual site . This was the kind of situation of survival I was facing everyday. Suddenly Ali went missing like vapourizing in thin air. After all the struggle I put for survival she was still my sister. People always said nice things about her around how loving and caring she was. On still nights I miss how I said her the last time that I loved her when her body was trembling and her lungs gasping for air,  when I chocked her. The weed had sucked the life from the mighty Oak . My sister was right after all that you needed to be strong in life.I paid for all her kind favours and works that day, and her bloodshot eyes dancing with terror did see the result which they brought upon her. Goddess do fall sometimes and when they fall , they fall hard. But, why do you despair we will be sisters till the end.

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212 Reviews

Points: 17956
Reviews: 212

Mon Jan 07, 2019 6:18 am
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ScarlettFire wrote a review...

Hi there, Muskie! My name is Scarlett and I'm here to review this for you.

Okay, so, when I first look at this, it's just a huge block of text. That can be hard for people to read, so I suggest you break this up into paragraphs. There are some great articles in the Knowledge Base that you can take a look at if you're not sure how to do that! Such as this one on short stories, this one on show and tell, this one on sentence structure, and this one on writing in first person. I hope these help you! They've very informative and a great resource for learning all about writing. Of course, there are a lot more articles in the KB Forum, so I highly recommend taking a look when you get a chance!

Now, as for the text itself. Let's see if I can focus on this huge block of text enough to give you something out of this review. XD

Okay, your sentences and your wording could do with some work, so I'll see what kind of example I can find to give you. ^^

I was born in a respected and loving family, with already a wonderful sister to guide me. She was Ali, from the very beginning of my days Ali got all the attention and love of everyone she met.

And right off the bat, here one is. Now, these sentences read very awkwardly, mostly because they're a combination of more than one sentence. If I were writing this, I'd probably do something like;

I was born in a respected and loving family with already a wonderful sister to guide me. Her name was Ali and from the very beginning of my days, Ali got the attention and love of everyone she met.

See how that makes much more sense, and makes it easier to read? And also for the reader to make out what you're trying to convey here?

I'm not going to point everything out, but I'm sure you get the idea? So, to sum it up for you; use paragraphs, use better sentence structure and grammar, and make it a lot more interesting to read. Where are all the internal/inner monologues from Isabelle? Where's the dialogue, the conversation, between the sisters? There is a lot lacking here, and I understand that maybe what you were aiming for isn't exactly what I think it is, but honestly. You could do so much more with this.

The pacing here is very fast, and I understand this is supposed to be a short story, but I honestly feel like this is too short. There's not exactly enough her to paint a full picture of the dynamics between Isabelle and Ali. There's also no real context outside of the fact that they're sisters and that one kills the other. I feel like there's a lot of pieces missing from this picture, and you could probably do so much better than what you've done here.

Overall, this is an interesting concept, but a poorly executed one. It also doesn't help I don't like first person much and that this is in first person, and that it's a huge block of text. Those two things alone put me off, especially the lack of paragraphs, more than anything. I probably would be more interesting in reading this is it were in third person and more spaced out. I don't mean to come off as harsh or anything, and I apologize if that's how it sounds. It's most definitely not my intention.

Keep it up and never stop writing!


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19 Reviews

Points: 95
Reviews: 19

Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:32 am
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lemonayyde wrote a review...

Hey Muskie!

I love the concept of your story! I do have a few comments though.

This story could benefit a lot by being broken up into paragraphs instead of just one long chunk. It makes it a bit confusing to follow, and a lot of readers shy away when there is too much information dumped at once in a paragraph.

There are also some grammar and wording issues that could be fixed.

For example:

"It was quite a charm of her. I was always in the background looming like a shadow with nowhere to go. But, it is life and you need to be strong we're Ali's words."

could be changed to

"She was quite charming. I was always in the background, looming like a shadow with nowhere else to go. But, it is life and you need to be strong. Those were Ali's words."

"It was quite a charm of her" was hard to understand at first, and with a little rearranging it can come across how you meant it immediately. "We're" is "we are", so when reading it has seemed to say "we are Ali's words". Changing it to "were" makes it so that the previous sentence was Ali's words.

Great job on your story, and I can't wait to see more of your writing! Welcome to YWS!


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492 Reviews

Points: 5507
Reviews: 492

Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:16 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...

Hey there! Care for a review?

So WOW that got dark fast! I thought this was gonna be a nice little story about sisters and stuff- you really proved me wrong! Kudos for keeping me on my toes!

My biggest thing with this is that I found it really confusing. We're essentially being told a story all in one go, and it's incredibly hard to follow! I think part of the reason for this is because there's so much information trying to be fit into such a small story! When too much info is fit into a story, it can get very confusing. It's not simply the info in the story that makes it's Good, it's how you tell a story! So my advice is to slow things down a bit. Instead of having the narrator/character tell everything that happened, show us what happens. It's usually a lot more interesting for the reader to go along with the story, rather than being told a sorta recap of it- if that makes sense. :D

The other thing I think would make this story a little stronger, is simply to make it longer! Some stories just need more time to tell! Usually the more characters and settings in a story, the longer it needs to be.

In any case, it was an interesting read! I'm looking forward to seeing more works by you in the future! C:


Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
— Søren Kierkegaard