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139,656 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
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I shall try my very best to rip this to shreds! I'll also try not to repeat what others have said.
Don't worry! I'll quote things between these two segments.
The reason I'm quoting them together like this is because they contradict each other. The mother's viewpoint tell us, very clearly, that she doesn't know what happened to her daughter, while the memory that Aiden has tells us, just as clearly, that she was kidnapped.
I would get rid of this comma.
Where did she find him? If you were to put the tag like so: I found him doing _________ in the ______, it would give us more characterization on the uncle and give us a better idea of what her situation is.
Aiden is a bit scared of her uncle, correct? This dialogue does not sound like it comes from somebody who is afraid of a beating. It sounds like somebody just stating a fact.
Since we don't know her personality yet, and this dialogue is tag-less, we don't know why she would be so strait forward in telling her uncle she can't get him any beer.
I would add "when he took me away" at the end of this line to make it clearer. ^_^
Why would she ignore him? That doesn't make much sense to me. If she has any idea of her brother's nature, wouldn't she know that he was coming to do something bad?
I think her starting to act afraid, even hiding Aiden away, would make this more realistic. Unless you were to put the answer to why Molly didn't take any action in her bit. ^_^
I would add "had" after "I" to make it clearer she's adding this thought to the memory.
How small is their apartment/house? If he was pounding on the front door (which I thought he was), how could he stumble right into Aiden's bedroom? If he's not pounding on the front door, why would Aiden's bedroom have locks? Let me note that the last question, about the bedroom door and locks, is not something you can answer in a flash-back like this. It is simply a question to ask yourself so your story is more real.
~ Did they get in a car? Walk? Tell us how he kidnapped her.
~ I don't think a scared three year old would say that. I would scream, kick and do whatever it took to get back to my mommy.
~
Emotion: I don't find your emotions quite add up here. Take the beginning. I told you in my nit-pick that she doesn't sound scared. If she's shuddering about a beating, shouldn't she sound a bit scared, if not very scared? Also, when she gets kidnapped, she talks normally and accepts everything her uncle tells her. How well does she know him to be able to do that? Did she just go into shock and was able to take everything? Since we don't know her character that well, we can't draw those conclusions. Put some more visible emotion in the dialogue so this makes more sense. ^_^
Realism: This whole situation feels rather unreal to me. Part of it is due to a lack of emotion, but one huge thing is the lack of police. Molly could have called the cops for kidnapping. Aiden can call the cops for child abuse. If Molly has called in for kidnapping, why hasn't Aiden moved with her uncle while he tries to ditch the police? Add the element of cops in here, and reasons why the cops haven't been called/why Aiden's uncle is on the FBI Most Wanted list (Kidnappers get put on that list, you know), to make this real.
What I liked: Your description of the road was nice. I liked the mention of the heat and how barren it was. You could stand to add in some more emphasis on that, just so we really feel like it's a long, empty road.
I also liked the dialogue Molly had. I could just see how helpless she was, although the fact she never caught up made me think Uncle Dan had knocked her to the ground. Did he?
Overall: This was a bit too sketchy for me to fully enjoy it. The description was sparse (Like when you say Aiden found her uncle, you could have said where and what he was doing, along with what she had to dodge in that messy house) and I found your MC was too placid about her whole situation without enough reason (has any annoyance, fear and/or anger been beating out of her? If so, say that). You do, however, have a good base when it comes to plot: How the mother gets back to her daughter.
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
I really liked this! it's very interesting and made me want to keep reading.
i was very sad when it was over. I think mostly everyone covered the
grammatical errors and i didn't really see any others. I'll definitely be
looking for more if you decide to continue, which i hope you will!
will you PM me if you add anymore please? Keep writing!
~Justy
p.s.- thanks for all the critiques, they've helped a lot!
I actually really like this. It is an interesting story idea, and apart from the minor grammatical errors (I won't go into detail, almost all were given my the others) you had me hooked. This is something I would be willing to buy. Fix it up a bit and yu've got a winner!
~Tiger
Yay! First request!!
I Nitpicks
I would prefer on instead of onto...And, as Dudette said, I think it is lay not laid...No comma after lay/laid by the way...
For me, at least, through sounds better than throughout.
I don't like that there is a colon in dialogue. For some reason, it doesn't seem to fit.
Got beat? I dunno if this is characterization, but was beaten sounds a lot better to me...
Aww, that's just too cute!
The two fumblings sound a little repetitive...However, it works pretty well for the jinglings...
Onto is one word not two...
II Concepts
Hope this review helped...
fluteluvr77<3
Hey =]
Maybe you could change, 'large' to loud or urgent or...something 
I really want to find out if her Mum really was sick. I would suggest adding in more emotion o your characters and more description on the surroundings. We know that she was taken from her bedroom, but we have no idea what the room looks like. What time of day was it? Were the walls pink? Where was her Mum sitting when she was singing the lullaby? Little details help to make the story more vivid and realistic 
I thought I'd review this for ya'
that laid, empty - I think 'laid' should be 'lay'
"Why?" I questioned my brother, as if he were in front of me. "Why did you do this?" - I'd add in some emotion here. We don't really know how she's feeling. I'm pretty sure that she would be distraught, angry, scared for her child. Adding in how she's feeling will help give her depth as a character.
"Yes?" I asked upon finding him. - Where did she find him? In the lounge, slouched on the sofa?
My uncle had told me this too many times to count. - Try, 'My uncle had told me this countless times before.'
A large knock - I didn't know that knocks came in different sizes
he cried again. - The 'h' should be capitalized.
my mother screeched - 'My'
asked him once we left the house. - I'd add 'had' before 'left'
Overall;
I think you have an interesting concept for a story here
As for doing a POV for each chapter, it's totally up to you. If you do though, you'll definitely have to fill out the sections a bit more.
I'll definitely be reading the next part...if you choose to continue that is. Can you PM me if you do, please?
I hope this was of some help to you!
xDudettex