The Ascension- Chapter One

by MusicalCat

Published March 29, 2021

18+ Violence

In The Ascension

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

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Aidene Vesper always knew she’d die young. She just hadn’t quite expected it to happen at the ripe old age of barely twenty at the hands of someone she’d known since she was six but as she raced down the streets of Castilencia she knew her chances of getting out of her current situation were more than a little on the low side.

“Get back here Vesper!” Emric Altin screamed after her as they raced along the cobbled streets of the cities market place. It didn’t need to be said that she wasn’t about to listen to what the screaming red faced man behind her was saying, especially not, when she risked a glance over her shoulder to see how far he was, she caught sight of the rather large knife clutched in his right hand. Yeah, there was no way she was doing what he said. Even if her legs were aching and her legs burning from the frantic pace she’d been putting them through for the last few minutes.

It was safe to say Aidene wasn’t a runner, sure, she’d had her fair share of frantic sprints around the city trying to outrun law enforcement, or rival gang members, or particularly angry stall owners who weren’t all too happy she’d pinched the last of their stock. But those had always been short sprints, they’d been easy to lose. Her underfed body certainly wasn’t made for this long distance thing.

It was years of practice alone that kept her on her feet as she fled along the uneven path just barely avoiding the Sunday crowds milling around the stalls. Usually the cobblestones were enough to take out anyone that was tailing her leading to a much shorter chase, of the seven that had started after her almost five blocks before only three remained. The crowds had taken care of the other two, trapping them somewhere far behind her but Emric? Emric had grown up on the same streets she had, he knew the exact same tricks she did, hell, he was the reason she knew half the tricks she did.

No, neither the uneven streets or the crowds would be enough to deter him and as much as she was faster than he was there was no way she could keep it up much longer. Her only comfort was the fact that Emric wasn’t much of a runner either. But one mis step and he’d be on her and then, well. She’d seen enough people after Emric had his hands on them, she wasn’t prepared to be the next in the long long line.

Her only hope for survival lay in reaching the church building in the centre of the city where the invisible line that separated the city into north, south, east and west lay. As the leader of Damnation, a gang known for terrorising the south of the city, Emric couldn’t cross that line. Well, he shouldn’t. But then again as a member of the northern gang, the Razors, she wasn’t really supposed to cross that line either yet here they were, very much on south side territory.

Of course, it was different for him. There were far more issues if a gang leader was caught on the wrong side of the line than a low ranking member like her. It was a little more complicated than that but it had been one of the few reasons they’d elected to send her over to the southside to determine whether the whispers they’d been hearing were correct. The other reason being that the Razors leader, Torryn Belfer, didn’t really trust anyone else. He didn’t really trust her either but after thirteen years of knowing her he was far more willing to let her know this information than most of the others.

It had always worked to her advantage the fact that so few people could link her to the Razors by face alone, it had always been what made her so good at her job, it had been worth the relatively small risk of sending her across the line to find out whether what the were hearing was true. She’d went at a time she’d expected there to be little to no guards, when she’d least expect the leader of Damnation to be there. It was just her luck that one of the few people who could place her had happened to be on the docks at the same time she was.

Aidene cursed as the screams went up around her, the market goers finally having spotted the weapon in Emric’s hand. It was the last thing she needed, the sounds sent them scarpering out of their path which although it gave her a clear path straight out the market it gave him a much better one straight to her.

Just a little further, she just needed to get round the next corner and she was home free. He wouldn’t be able to cross the line and even if he did with the amount of fudd she’d made sure they kicked up along the way someone was bound to have seen her and reported back to the Razors.

She sprinted round the next corner, the bell tower of the church the first familiar thing she’d seen in hours. But she didn’t stop, ignoring the aching in her legs she flew over the line slowing her pace just enough to glance over her shoulder where she was sure she’d see Emric standing cursing her out for having made it.

She quickly realised her mistake when she found he wasn’t stood still at all. No, he was barrelling towards her intent on knocking her to the ground no matter whose territory they were on. Her slowing down had given him the very chance he needed to close that tight space between them. It was all she could do to plant her feet on the ground in a desperate attempt to keep her from falling, not that it helped much, he hit her with such force that she slammed into the ground sending an aching up her side.

The fall knocked the air completely from her. She lay gasping for air far longer than she could really afford before she forced herself onto her feet frantically trying to glee before he managed to recover too. She didn’t make it more than a step before the hand darted out wrapping round her ankle, sending her flailing back to the floor with a loud shout of surprise.

He was on her in seconds pinning her arms to her side with his weight, his knife still clutched in his right hand. He planted his knee in between her legs putting his entire force into keeping her in place as she struggled viciously under him. It was useless, she knew it was and from the smirk on his face the bastard knew it too. He knew she’d just tire herself out, far quicker than he would. He knew there was no way she could wriggle her way out of this one, he was far stronger than she was, he always had been. It was an all too familiar position of helplessness that she hated being stuck in once again.

Pinned down like she was she couldn’t help the utter panic that swept through her stopping every possible helpful thought from reaching her. It had her frantically searching the square around her for someone, anyone to help her. But no one was there. The few people in the square when they’d raced in had run off the moment they’d heard the screams, the people of the city knew better than to spend more time here than was strictly necessary. There was no one here, and there was no one coming to help her.

It was a sobering thought, one that had her realising that fighting right now was futile. If she wanted to survive she had to conserve whatever energy she had left. The fight left her completely as she finally dared to meet Emric’s gaze. The murderous look he seemed to reserve just for her was enough to send a shiver down her spine.

He wasn’t exactly what anyone expected of a gang leader, especially not the Damnation’s gang leader. The first thought anyone had in relation to the damnations was bulky, ugly men that took what they wanted. Whilst he certainly took what he wanted and was more on the bulky side than most of the people she knew Emric Altin had never been described as ugly. The sandy blonde hair she’d always known to be caked in dirt as kids practically shone in the early evening light, and his green eyes settled into a face of sharp features would have been enough to set any girl at ease if it wasn’t for the fact they gave everything he felt away, at that moment it was exactly what he intended to do to her. The gangs had all said he was far too pretty to ever been taken seriously, Emric had taken that as a personal insult and slaughtered anyone who dared to suggest such a thing, clawing his way to the top of the food chain before he was eighteen and that was where he’d stayed for the last five years, far longer than his predecessors had.

“You really are a little witch you know that” He snarled at her, his grip on her shoulders tightening as he slammed her back against the cobblestones, her head hitting the stone so hard she could have sworn she saw stars. “Always exactly where you shouldn’t be”

“Speak for yourself” She replied sharply with far more confidence in her voice than she actually had. “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. You? Not so much. If Torryn catches you here you’re done for”

“Oh I’ll be long gone before Torryn finds out” Emric smirked at her, a cruel little smirk that had haunted her dreams for years when they were kids. “He might be a little upset when his pet turns up dead but what proof will he have that it was me?”

“Please, Torryn knows exactly who to look for if I turn up dead” She snarled trying to muster up a glare that was as terrifying as his.

“Maybe, but he’s not exactly going to go around accusing other leaders of murder for the life of a spy is he” Emric taunted her as he moved in so close she could feel his breath on her cheek. “You always thought you were so clever, but you’re not so smart now are you?”

He was laughing at her as he placed the top of his blade against her temple dragging it slowly down the side of her face, down, down, down until he reached her throat where he applied just enough pressure that she felt the blood rise to the surface, just a drop dripping down her neck.

It was enough that she knew she had to get out of there quickly, one wrong move and he’d get bored of taunting her and his next swipe of the blade wouldn’t just draw a couple of drops of blood. It was enough that, the moment he shifted his weight just a little, she was able to bring her leg crashing upwards hitting him squarely between his own.

He let out a howl of pain dropping the knife as he curled up slightly, releasing her arms and his hold on her long enough for her to shove him away. She lashed out with her legs landing a kick squarely to his face as she scrambled back to her feet. She hesitated only long enough to grab the knife tossing it as far away from them as possible back in the direction they’d just come from before she took off again. It gave him only two options, retreat back to his own side, admittedly with his pride a bit dented, or chase after her without a weapon in an area she knew far better than he did. Apparently the insult to his pride was far more daunting than getting caught because only a moment later she heard the heavy footsteps as he bundled after her.

She’d really thought he’d give it up. She’d been counting on it really because she wasn’t so sure she could outrun him for long. Not when the fall had done far more damage than she could let herself think about at that moment, not when every part of her side ached with every step she took.

She glanced behind her far more scared than she cared to admit when she caught sight of exactly how close he was to her. She was out of plans, she coult try and lose him in the streets of the north but the chances of them making it far enough for that were slim. She could try banging on doors but he’d catch her before she reached more than a couple and the occupants were more likely to ignore her than to help her. The people of the city kept out of gang business at all costs. She was still secretly holding out hope that someone had gotten word to the Razors but even then all it would take was for Emric to drag her across lines into the East or the West or the south and there would be nothing they could do for her. They couldn’t risk word getting back that they’d set foot in other territories uninvited.

She was too busy worrying about the figure closing in behind her to notice the one closing in in front of her. In fact, it wasn’t until she collided with a hard chest arms instantly wrapping around her that she even realised anyone was there. By then it was far too late, but it didn’t stop her from lashing out at any part of them she could reach. If Emric thought she was just going to go down he had another thing coming.

“Calm it Aidene!” The familiar voice hissed in her ear. The fight left her instantly as she twisted her head just enough to see the familiar tanned features of Larken Belfer before she relaxed completely. He let her go the moment she quit fighting him.

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t manhandle my people Altin” The cool voice of Torryn Belfer reached her a second after she turned to find Emric scowling at the three people gathered in front of him. “Especially on my territory”

“The little bitch was on mine” Emric snarled back at Torryn, a sound that had Torryn smiling tightly back at him. “I have every right to her, hand her over and I’ll be on my way”

“If you’d caught her before crossing then yes, she’d have been yours to do with as you wanted” Torryn reminded him far too calm for someone who was telling her that if she’d been caught on the wrong side he’d have left her to them. “As it is you’re on my territory, uninvited I might add. If I bring this up at the next gathering you know exactly the ruling we’ll give”

From his lack of a response and the sour expression that took up residence on his face Emric was perfectly aware of what would happen if he didn’t give Torryn what he wanted, whatever it was Torryn wanted.

“I’ll tell you what, if you leave now I won’t bring it up. We’re close enough to the border it could have just been a simple mis step” Torryn offered pleasantly. A simple mis step her ass, but she knew better than to say anything. She was already in enough trouble as it was. “And I’ll make sure Aidene is thoroughly punished for crossing the border, how does that sound?”

“Fine” Emric snapped, he seemed to stop for a moment just long enough to glare at Torryn, before his gaze darted to where she still stood beside Larken. “Watch your back Vesper”

Without another word he stalked back across the square, the three of them watching him as he retrieved his knife from where she’d hazardously thrown it earlier. They watched in silence when he glanced back at them as if to make sure they were still there, it wasn’t until he was long gone did Torryn turn towards with a look that was just as terrifying as anything Emric could ever throw her way.

Torryn was as handsome as Emric was pretty and every bit as deadly. He was far leaner than Emric but she had no doubt he was just as capable of handling himself in a fight. She’d seen him do it a fair few times before. If Emric was the sun with his tanned skin and charming smile Torryn, with his dark almost black hair and pale skin, was the moon. He was exactly the sort of person people expected to run a gang in the middle of the city. But even with the dark colouring of his eyes giving him an almost cold look she knew exactly which one she’d rather meet in a dark alley at night.

“I could have sworn I told you not to get caught” Torryn’s stated coldly. Oh he was mad, far angrier than she’d anticipated him being and even then her first thoughts had been that he’d kill her for getting caught. She wasn’t quite sure what this level of anger meant for her survival.

“Yeah well, I could have sworn I told you it was a bad idea” Came her abrupt reply. It was stupid, she knew it was stupid, but he was the entire reason she’d been put in the situation in the first place and she’d told him sending her into Damnation territory was a terrible idea. But from the way Larken tensed up beside her she knew she really should have kept her mouth shut.

“What happened?” Torryn asked choosing to ignore her comment. He really was mad if he was at a stage he’d rather just ignore her.

“I’m not sure this is the place for this conversation” A third voice cut in before she could say anything else. She glanced behind Torryn in time to see his third, Hale, a dark skinned man in his early twenties jog around the corner from the path she knew led to the market place, he must have been following Emric. “Emric isn’t too far away and I don’t think any of us want a fight on our hands today”

He wasn’t exactly wrong, but that was the thing with Hale. He told it like he saw it. He’d never been one to mince words in all the time she’d known him. In fact, the first thing she remembered him ever saying to Torryn was that bringing her into the gang was going to hurt them far more than it would help them. Four years later she was pretty sure he was wishing he’d listened to his advice.

At least he took it now, giving a slight nod of acknowledgment in Hale’s direction. He didn’t say a word to them before he turned walking back in the direction of the Razors house. 

Comments & reviews · 4
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review Review · May 8, 2021

Hi MusicalCat,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Let's start right away, what struck me while reading:

She just hadn't quite expected it to happen at the ripe old age of barely twenty at the hands of someone she'd known since she was six but as she raced down the streets of Castilencia she knew her chances of getting out of her current situation were more than a little on the low side.


You wrote a very exciting introduction to encourage the reader to read on. But you run out of steam when you realise that the introduction consists of only two sentences. You could split this sentence into several parts, as it takes away the tension you created with the first sentence. Especially after the "...she was six" I would put a full stop.

It didn't need to be said that she wasn't about to listen to what the screaming red faced man behind her was saying, especially not when she risked a glance over her shoulder to see how far he was, she caught sight of the rather large knife clutched in his right hand.


Here again is a very long sentence that could be split. As I read on, I notice more that there are several of these sentences that could be shortened a little without changing anything in the plot or meaning. At one point you did one sentence in one paragraph.

You've created a good structure that makes it easy to follow the story. You have a great tension on, and give a little bit of the necessary explanation about the different gangs. As a small tip, you could possibly reword this explanation so that it comes from Aidene's thoughts, so that you can start to understand a little bit why she is running there. Because it's written from the narrative perspective, which sounds a bit like a documentary here, where as a loose reader you can't really build anything up and you don't immediately understand why Aidene is running there.

You have a good way with the dialogue and there's a crackle in the voices that raises the tension immensely. Through your comments and descriptions, you also do a great job of portraying the whole scene and it seems like something out of a movie here. You do a fantastic portrayal of the drama and create a plot that is fascinating beyond the chapter. It is precisely the fact that the reader understands less at the moment that makes you wait excitedly for the next chapter.

What I would have liked to know more about, would be Aidene in this chapter. What does she feel in the moments of escape? What does she see exactly? What is she thinking? You unintentionally create the assumption here that she is a puppet after writing such a great introduction. Short interjections with her thoughts or exclamations of hope or fear would have made her seem more real.


Towards the end, in the dialogue, you manage not to make her look like a puppet for a few moments, but I think you need to develop that a bit more in places. Apart from the sometimes extremely long sentences (I sometimes write too long sentences :D) there was nothing else I could criticise. You create a certain dark atmosphere that draws the reader in.

Enjoy the writing!

Mailice.

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UniPacific Review
UniPacific wrote a review Review · Apr 2, 2021

God, this story sucks. Worst story I've ever read in my life. How can someone write this bs? Why and how? xD jk

Alright, like I've said before (or I think I have) that first sentence got me interested, hook, line and sinker. Little grammar issue, you need to put a comma somewhere in the second sentence. It is just too large and would be hard to read out loud in one go. To be honest, I think that is actually a consistent minor issue throughout this, huge sentences. If or when you have time, go through it again and read it out loud, and put commas or make new sentences where you almost die from the lack of oxygen to your brain, tiny and puny as it may be compared to mine.

I could not really pick anything else out that hasn't been said before at this moment, but if I find anything else during my sleepless nights, I will let you know


To anyone reading this and think I am being harsh or rude, I've known the author of this for years and we always tease each other. She'll probably be an asshole reviewing my stuff as pay back anyway.

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SageOctober
Review
SageOctober wrote a review Review · Mar 30, 2021

Hello! Sage here to write a quick review.

Right off, your chapter is very active and engaging, encouraging the reader to continue reading. And from there, you keep the action building, and I honestly was not sure if she'd make it or not. Great job on that!

I noticed that you often don't put any punctuation after your dialogue, like the sentence:

“You really are a little witch you know that” He snarled at her

Punctuated correctly, this sentence would be:

"You really are a little witch, you know that?" He snarled at her

Just make sure you're putting the appropriate comma, period, question mark or exclamation point at the end of your dialogue, and if you don't know which one to put, I recommend reading it aloud to see what feels best.

I can't wait to read more! Awesome first chapter!

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stygianmoon17
Review
stygianmoon17 wrote a review Review · Mar 29, 2021

Hey there ! stygianmoon17 here for a review :D

Aidene Vesper always knew she’d die young. She just hadn’t quite expected it to happen at the ripe old age of barely twenty at the hands of someone she’d known since she was six but as she raced down the streets of Castilencia she knew her chances of getting out of her current situation were more than a little on the low side.


well that's a hell of a way to start a novel xD
No but seriously, that little bit totally hooked me in and you just captivated me the second I read those lines.

“Speak for yourself” She replied sharply with far more confidence in her voice than she actually had. “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. You? Not so much. If Torryn catches you here you’re done for”

from that point, the main POV which was from Vesper's first person point of view at first, turns to third person. In itself, you can do this when writing, but that quote I put right there is kinda jarring. And to make such a transition maybe you should smooth it out a bit.

But yeah, that's pretty much it !
This was a really interesting short, with a really great style of writing, and I can't wait for the next chapters <3333



With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.
— Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus