CHAPTER 1
I woke up a little earlier than usual that day, the day that changed everything . You see it was the day of the choosing . this big ceremony where 1 child ages 10-18 gets chosen from each village,town ,and city . Also every hundred years the gods add a twist and the children who compete get magic , the children all battle it out to be one of the 5 victors. This year is the three thousandth anniversary .The winners get the powers of the gods.
I got out of bed and snuck around the house to get to my brother's room .My brother Alduin is three years older than me . He always tells me never to wake him at this hour but it's too important to not to.”Al wake up ,come on get up its the choosing today wake up”. “Ria are you doing up at this hour the moon’s not even
out of the sky yet ``.Ria was the nickname our parents gave me when I was little because I was like the little ria, a small but nimble monster that lurked near our village. No one has even killed or seen one in our village. “Just get out of bed, it's time to do our chores so we have all the time to trai- I mean get ready for the choosing .”He rolled his eyes and laid back down . “Whyyy the pigs aren’t even awake at this hour”. I grabbed his arm and flung him out of bed.”Ow, seriously did you have to do that ?” He rolled his eyes ,”oh no my little sister has tried to tickle me to death“. “Did you just ,you urgh , Al you know im stronger than you and all the boys in the village !” We both bursted out laughing ,”Ria you know you aren’t weak at all.” “I know ,I know well , get dressed and fast because we have to start on our chores or else .”I ran
back to my room to start getting ready.I grabbed an old pair of overalls , a pair of busted up boots .I found an old brush and tried to brush through my hair . My hair was different from my brother's hair which was brunette ,unlike mine which was scarlet red , rare ,and was as long as my back and super wavy .
When i was younger my parents used to tell me my hair was gorgeous and the most beautiful thing they have ever seen but not everyone believed that . The village elders always said that my hair was a sign from the gods that evil was going to awaken ,or that I was the daughter of Alaria, the evil goddess of death and the veil. But even after all of what they said they never really cared about my brother and I even after our parents died . When i was five my parents brother and i
were going to bed after a long days work ,than a large flash of lightning struck a tree near by even though it was not storming .
A Smoke serpent appeared and took me from my parents . My parents fought to save me , so instead of my life being lost theirs was.The village chief declared it was an accident, a random monster attack , but the elders said it was my fault all the doing of the evil child . My brother never blamed me for their deaths but what if it was really my fault .
I finished getting ready and I ran outside to help my brother do the chores. The animals and the moon welcomed me .
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140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
I hope you like my story
Hop here with a review! Please excuse my yapping and why this review is so long is mainly that. But let's get into the review! ~~~~
Okay so first off this chapter is bananas in the best way. It’s giving fantasy, mystery, sibling chaos, and a whole lot of emotional weight. I love how it starts with this quiet moment. waking up early, sneaking around the house and then boom, we find out it’s the day of the choosing. That’s a huge deal and you drop it so casually like “oh yeah, today’s the day kids get magic and battle for god powers.” I was immediately hooked.
The sibling dynamic between Ria and Alduin is adorable. It’s chaotic and playful and feels super real. The way she flings him out of bed and they start bickering and laughing? That’s exactly how siblings act when they’re close. It’s warm and funny and gives the story a nice balance before things get heavy.
And then we get to Ria’s hair. The scarlet red, the rare waves, the way people think it’s a sign of evil. that’s such a strong visual and it sets up the tension between her and the village. I like how her hair becomes this symbol, both beautiful and feared. It’s bananas how much meaning you packed into that one detail.
The backstory hits hard. The lightning strike, the smoke serpent, her parents dying to save her... that’s tragic and intense. And the way the village elders blame her for it? That’s messed up. You can feel the guilt she carries, even though her brother never blamed her. That part really got me. It adds depth to her character and makes me want to protect her.
Also, the little detail about the animals and the moon welcoming her? That’s poetic. It’s soft and kind of magical and it makes me feel like nature is on her side even if the village isn’t.
Overall, this chapter is a strong start. It sets up the world, the stakes, the emotional baggage, and the sibling bond all in one go. It’s got heart, it’s got mystery, and it’s got that bananas twist of magic and gods and ancient ceremonies. I’m already invested and I want to know what happens next. Keep going. This is good! It really is! (Actually this review wasn't that long lol)
Keep writing! Stay amazing! Happy Review Month!!!!!!!!
Love,
Hop
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the spooky S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Wisteria-or Ria, I should say-lives with her brother, Alduin, who is three years older than her. They used to have parents, but when the smoke serpent came and tried to take her, their parents fought for her life and thus, died protecting her. Some people blame Ria for their deaths, but Alduin knows better than that. Still, there’s always the question of “What if?”.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I mean, I think some of the periods could be closer to the sentences, but that’s one small thing.
Chocolate Bar - I like the little detail of Wisteria’s nickname being based off of a monster, it adds a little more mystique to the world. I also like how she has red wavy hair, this makes for a cool character design and I feel like there is a deeper reason for her having red wavy hair. The relationship between Ria and Alduin is described through their dialogue, I can tell that they are close siblings from what they say to each other. It’s nice to know that Alduin doesn’t think of his sibling as evil, he knows her well.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fantastic first chapter to this story! I’m going to check for more updates on this to keep track of Ria and her adventures, to find out the deeper truth that is lurking behind the old, weathered rocks and twisted roses. Ria is more than what she seems and so, with that note…
I wish you a marvelous day/night! ^v^
Hello, My Friend!
Hi there!! I hope you are having a lovely day/night thus far. My name is Raven, and I would like to give a quick review for your chapter here. Hope you don't mind!
To start, wow, we're off to a great start for the story! You gave us an introduction to our MC Ria, presumably the titular "Wisteria," as well as her brother. We get a feel for what her daily life is like, her role in the place she lives, and learn a bit of her surprisingly tragic backstory! All great for a first chapter!
I definitely have a ton of highlights and reactions i would love to share, but first, let's start with some friendly recommendations, for what I think could be improved (and remember; this is just my opinion! Take only what you like from it and consider the rest just the mad rambling of an internet corvid! <3).
So the main thing that stood out is very minor and there is no writer on Earth, even in pro spaces, that is immune from this. But I do think this chapter could use a bit of a grammar touchup. Particularly focusing on capitalizing letters at the start of sentences, and removing the spaces between the periods and the prior letter. For example, let's look at this paragraph here...
The only other big thing that stood out was the way your dialogue is written. It's great dialogue! For example, let's take this moment:
So traditionally, when you're writing a conversation between two (or more) characters, a new line gets started whenever another person starts speaking. I will not lie, this has been a hot topic of debate in the writing sphere, but again—pulling from my personal opinion—I think it would really help the general pacing if these lines were a little less clumped, plus it would look much neater. For example...
But again, this is purely my opinion, and you can just as well ignore all of this lol.
Now then! Moving on to highlights and reactions—what stood out to me as I read, drew me into the story, and struck me as a moment of good storytelling. Let's start with...
I love this lore you gave us about "The Choosing," and you gave us a little hint as to what the magic system in this world will be like! One of my favorite parts of any fantasy or fiction-charged story is anything to do with magic and any lore surrounding it, and in my experience writing fantasy, I know I'm not alone in that! Very nice!
Ooo, I also like that you're giving us some clues about the kinds of monsters in this world. Likewise, 'Ria' is such a cute name/nickname!
LOVE this—it's always so cool when a certain physical trait in a character, be it their hair, eyes, a scar, etcetera carries significance, and the way you tie this vibrant hue of red to bad omens and this lore of the evil goddess is so cool!
Aw, poor Ria. It's bad enough that she lost her parents, but this rejection from the village definitely makes it feel worse. Not only did this drive empathy and interest in her character, but it made me curious about the mystery surrounding it. A serpent of smoke sounds like a very mysterious entity (and what a cool design for a monster!), but indeed, was it a random attack or coordinated? Hm...Perhaps this is some foreshadowing? Ooo...
Overall, while there were some early-draft nitpicks, I do truly think you have a talent for storytelling, and this already has the makings of a great story! I would love to see you expand on this in the future, if you have the drive! Nicely done with this chapter, and happy reading/writing/reviewing!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Thank you for the comment, I'm working on my grammar in general with this story.
You're very welcome!