There we were, together on the old deck. The stillness of the water below us seemed so flawless. I looked around at the trees. Their branches were covered with dark red leaves. The autumn breeze glided through the air, cool and pleasant. The moment felt perfect.
She was sitting next to me on the old wooden deck, the cool, clear water of the lake barely tickling her toes, while I sat with my knees up.
“It’s beautiful, huh?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said, but I wasn’t talking about the lake like she was. My mind lingered on her.
She smiled, resting her head into my neck. “Do you think my hair will ever grow back, Cade?” she inquired.
“I don’t know,” I said. “But I’ll keep shaving mine off until it does—even if that means never.”
“You didn’t have to do that, you know.”
“I know.”
“Then why did you?” she asked, turning to face me, her blue eyes almost wrestling the truth out of me.
“Because I…” I began, but then I caught myself before I could finish. “Just call it a friendly gesture.”
“Oh,” she sighed, almost as if she wanted me to say that I loved her. “I loved your hair though, you know. But thanks anyway.”
“Don’t mention it.”
What the doctor had said weighed heavy on my heart. I only had a week with her. A week to pour out the seven years of emotions I had kept inside of me. It was such a short time.
Being there together, we both enjoyed the time that we were having together, just by ourselves. Most of the things we did, we did with her grandparents or parents, so it was nice to be alone at last.
“Rose! Cade! It’s time for dinner!” called her grandma.
Her family was staying the weekend at their grandparents’ house near the lake, and had invited me as well.
“Coming, Gran!” she called back, running to the door.
I followed her, walking instead of running. The sadness that I carried was heavier than a boulder, and twice as hard to carry.
She waited at the door for me until I arrived.
“You shouldn’t run like that, Rose,” I scolded. “You’re not exactly at the top of your game. I’d hate to see you hurt yourself.
“Come on,” she ignored my warning, taking my hand. “Gran made chicken pot pie. She knows it’s your favorite.”
We sat down at the table. Rose sat right next to me.
“Would someone like to say Grace?” Mrs. Duffy looked around, and when she saw no one was volunteering, she posed, “Gramp, how about you say the prayer?”
“Why, I sure will,” he answered. “Lord Jesus, thank you for providing my wife to prepare this food, and of course, some fixin’s to make it. Thank you for this time, and in Jesus’s name, Amen.”
I looked around the old, rustic cabin and smiled. Nothing had changed. The old rust-colored curtains were the same, and they still owned the old blue couch that didn’t match anything in their house.
“Here you go, Cade,” said Roses grandma, putting a hefty piece of pot pie on the table. “Ya’ll enjoy!”
My pot pie was sizzling hot and pouring out with its fillings, just the way I liked it. I picked up a fork and ate it, amazed at how much I missed this good taste.
The first few moments of dinner were somewhat awkward. All six of us ate our pot pie, but none of us really started talking for a while.
Rose’s grandma broke the silence, “So how have you been, Cade?” she asked. “You’re lookin’ well lately. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you!”
“I’m doing well. Thanks.”
“Well that’s great!” she said. “How’s your pot pie? Did I make it right this time? I couldn’t remember if you liked it when I made it with tater soup, or celery soup, so I just added a little bit of both, ya’ll. I did! I hope it tastes okay, because I worked real hard on it.”
Rose’s grandma loved to talk. And it was obvious. Once she opened her mouth, you could expect not to talk for a while.
“It’s perfect,” I answered, smiling.
“Oh, good!”
Rose’s being sick was a huge elephant in the room. It always was at the Duffy’s house. It was almost like they were afraid, but I couldn’t tell.
“How’s everyone else’s pot pie?” asked her grandma, smiling so wide that you could see every single one of her fake teeth.
“Good,” everyone answered simultaneously.
“Thanks for working so hard, Gran,” said Mrs. Duffy, who was sitting right next to her, with a kiss.
I looked down at my empty plate, then at Rose’s, noticing that she was done, too. She looked at me, smiling.
“Did you want to go to the lake?” I whispered, and she nodded. “Thank you for dinner. Rose and I are going to go out by the lake. That is, if you don’t mind.”
“Go ahead!” said her grandpa. “Ya’ll enjoy yourselves! That’s what you’re here for, ain’t it?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Now, ya’ll don’t have to be so formal,” he stated firmly, waving his finger at me.
“Oh, Bill, you old goat!” Gran rebuked. “If the child wants to call you a sir, then let him. You just said they were here to have fun. It ain’t much fun if you go wavin’ your finger all around at ‘em.”
“Oh, alright, you stubborn…mule,” he hollered back. Gran and Gramp had a funny way of expressing that they loved each other, but they did. “Go ahead. Don’t let us stop you.”
“Sure, Gramp,” I joked.
“Now that’s more like it!” he yelled as we were walking out.
We went back to where we were and sat down. She let her feet touch the water again, and this time, I did the same.
“It’s gonna suck,” she said, sighing.
“What’s gonna suck?” I asked, confused.
“Dying.”
“What do you mean?”
“I guess I hadn’t thought about dying much until this past week,” she said. “I just wish that I could live out my dreams to get married and start a family. And I know it’s stupid, but I’ve always wanted to write a book about coming out of this alive. I wanted to be like…like a hero, I suppose, but I guess that won’t happen.”
I sighed. I wanted to say how much I loved her, and that I would marry her if she came out of this, but I couldn’t.
“You already are a hero.”
“Thanks,” she murmured. “Another thing that sucks is that I miss my hair.”
“I think you’re beautiful just the way you are,” I said quietly, “even if you don’t have hair.”
“I, uh, I want you to know that I—” Before she could finish, she started to cough. The coughing grew progressively worse. She was leaning over, and before I knew it, she fell in the water.
“Rose!”
I jumped in after her, trying to grab her before she fell underneath. I wrapped her arms around my neck and swam to shore.
“Mr. Duffy!” I called for her father while pushing on her chest. I was trying to get her to breathe. Finally, she sputtered and opened her eyes, unable to say anything. “Mr. Duffy!” Her parents came running out, both of them with panicked expressions.
“Is she breathing?” I nodded “Rose! Rose, honey! Hang on! We’ll get you to a doctor.” said her mother frantically. “Dave, get her in the car. We have to go to the doctor.”
“Let me carry her,” I said, picking her up. I couldn’t tell if I could lift her because she was rail thin and very light, or if adrenaline was causing me to have a bit of super strength, but it didn’t matter. I ran to the car as fast as I could and set her in the backseat.
I got in the backseat with her and grabbed her hand. I could see her falling in and out of consciousness. Every time she would faint, my heart would almost stop beating out of fear. It was the worst car ride of my life, even though it was less than a half hour.
We arrived. Everything after that was a blur of people in scrubs and white coats rushing around. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital room.
I stood up, walked to her bed, and found her lying there, tubes running through her everything. She opened her eyes.
“I’ll leave you two alone,” said Mrs. Duffy. “Thank you so much, Cade. You are so sweet.”
Rose smiled. “Hey,” she said softly.
“Hey.”
“You fell asleep,” she said, smiling. “You wouldn’t leave. It was quite charming.” She chuckled.
“It was nothing.”
“This stupid tube is annoying,” she said, motioning toward the tube that was running through her nose.
“I’ll bet.”
“Come a little closer,” she said, reaching for my hand. I walked closer to her and grasped her tiny hand tightly. “I don’t have long. You and I both know that.”
Tears streamed down both of our faces.
I stammered, but managed to get out a few quiet words. “I just want you to know that I love you,” she said. “I love you more than you know. And I’m sorry I didn’t say sooner.”
I kissed her forehead and she whispered, “I love you, too.”
That was enough.
Please review! Still taking reviews and suggestions about the title!
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey Munch,
I'm Tanya, here for a review. Well, wow. This was a beautiful piece. I thought it was sweet how Cade shaved off his hair. It doesn't make sense, though, that she'll wonder if her hair will grow back if she only has one week to live.
The other thing that bothered me was the fact that they both refused to say I love you. I mean, she has one week to live, wouldn't they want to live it to the fullest? Together, in love?
That being said, I found I loved all your characters. The grand-parents had very distinctive voices and I found that Rose and Cade did too. You could really expand on the description of the surroundings, and also on them a little but it was a very moving piece either way.
I strongly suggest you submit this to a short story competition. Check out the writer's digest website, they often have contests.
Also, one more thing; please keep your points for this review. It was a honour to read this story. *bows to a master*
Tanya
Hi there, Munchkinzizzles! I feel really bad about all the delay on getting this done—there really isn’t a whole lot of excuse. XD Sorry!
Well, I have to say that I really do like the characters and how they interact in this story so far. I actually think the scenes of interaction between Cade and the others characters were one of the best things about this story—they were all very well written, especially the dialogue. I really liked the scene where Cade eats dinner with Rose and her grandparents, and all of them struggle to avoid the matter of her illness and how she doesn’t have much longer. It was a great scene that really showed how disturbed and frightened all of them are, how they keep trying to hold on and try to keep things normal despite how much they are all going to lose.
I also liked the second scene on the dock between Cade and Rose—her simple statement that “dying is going to suck” was so matter-of-fact that it was kind of shocking and at the same time very painful to read, and I think that really highlighted something about her character. From that one line, I could really feel how hard she is trying to be strong and nonchalant about this horrifying situation, and how much it’s taking out of her to try to stay calm and rational in the face of something as terrifying as an early death. You’ve really got an ear for dialogue, and you’re great at developing characters with it.
The only complaint I have is that I feel like it’s a little hard to attach to either of your characters. Although both of them are likable, I have to say that I honestly had a little trouble feeling real fear for what was going to happen to Rose or for what the narrator was going to have to face. I think the main culprit in this might just be the fact that it’s a really short story—there just isn’t a whole lot of room for us to get close to Rose or Cade.
It’s hard for me to give you advice on how you can help us get close to them, because I’m really not used to the format of short stories, and I have a lot more grasp on how to do character development in the long-term than in the short term. I do agree with the advice other reviewers have given you about trying a little bit to expand the story and give them a little more development. I also think that octocoffee might have a good point about perhaps showing a little more internal dialogue, to help us really see what Cade is feeling, and how he’s struggling with his desperation to not lose Rose. I’d also like to see a little development on Rose’s feelings, as well—she’s got a lot to struggle over, considering that it’s her death that’s coming, not Cade’s; and I feel like the story only dealt a little with how she feels about it. (Although what it did show was excellently written).
Just a couple quick nitpicks:
I think the repetition of “together” here comes off as a tiny bit redundant.
Oops, forgot to close quotation marks.
Overall, though, I think there’s a lot of potential here, and the more you develop these characters and allow them to grow, the more interesting and powerful the story will be. This is an excellent start, and I really enjoyed reading it—especially your well-written dialogue and character interactions.
I hope this helped you out a little bit, and if you choose to edit, I’ll be glad to read it again! Thank you. ^_^
Yuriiko:
I'm actually sort of proud of myself! 
I'm actually planning on expanding it now, so maybe that will help readers really connect with the characters. I'm not really used to short stories, so this was somewhat of a challenge for me.
Anything green is me.
#80FF00 ">I would have liked to have seen more emotion. But other then that, good job!
Hello there, Munch!
Here to review as requested.
First off, I'm going to say that I like this. It's bittersweet, as what Octo has stated. This is sweet and a bit sad at the ending part.
I'm going to say some things:
I don't really like how you manage to narrate like this:
and this one too...
If you know about the "Show don't tell" thing, then I suggest that you imply that. I find the piece pretty comprehensible because it's all direct. But won't the story be nice if you add a little descriptions and more emotions? It'll be good to read this if you do. Like, show us more of their feelings, the vibes and everything, though too much of it is bad also, right? So, how about balance everything out?
How you used the words such as 'said', 'asked' are too much of repetitions. For myself, it weakens your story. So, like I've suggested before, try to experiment on words and befriends with a dictionary, 'kay? But don't worry though, you're not alone. I too admit that I'm not good at using words.
I actually find most of the characters realistic and that's really a good thing. but what concerns me is that, how the pace is a bit fast, seems to decrease a percent of their realistic characterization. I'm just really curious as to how and why they've become friends or even more than that. Adding flashback will make a difference in your story so the readers can relate well with your characters.
Overall: I really like this. But maybe if you just lessen how you do the 'telling' part then voila'! This will really turn into perfection. PM me for questions.
Hope I helped.
P.S. Personally, I think you can attract more readers to read your story if you just delete the "*Please read*" thing-y.
*likes*
Keep writing!
Peace out!
~yuri
I. Nitpicks
Usually, with these sorts of dialogue tags, there’s a comma rather than a period after ‘Oh’.
Doesn’t look like he’s asking there. You might want a different tag.
Otherwise, I don’t have much to say with little grammar/spelling errors. Nice work there!
II. Characterization
Alright, I’ll be honest. I liked the grandparents a lot. I liked the way you gave them a distinctive way of talking. It really enhanced their kind and open personalities! So great work with them
As for our two main characters… I’d like to know more about them! You wrote a lovely piece, but my suggestion is to expand! I have no idea how Cade and Rose look, besides the fact that they’re bald and Rose has blue eyes. I don’t know any quirks they might have, or any inside jokes they share, or why they’re in love with each other! While you did a great job exploring the love they’ve got at that moment, I’d love to know reasons and backstory. Are they old friends? When did they meet? Did Cade fall in love with her because of her beauty? Or her personality? Her ability to beat everyone in a sport? How old are they anyway?
Those kinds of details really make a story grow, and make the audience love your characters. So try exploring Cade and Rose, and see what works and fits into the story.
III. Plot
Here’s where I’ve got a few things to point out. You’ve got a few holes that you might want to patch up.
What does this have to do with the story? So Cade and Rose are alone, at last, is what I’m getting. Well, who else is there? From the story, I get the impression that it’s the two of them along with the adult family members. Does Rose have siblings? Are they friends who are staying in other cabins near the lake?
How sick is Rose exactly? Later on, she’s sick enough to fall into the lake. At this point, she seems to run fine without any repercussions. If I was Cade, I’d be worried for her. Maybe a good way to solve this, if you want to keep the running, is to have Cade mention something about her health, and she can brush it off, saying the distance isn’t anything that would be harmful. Perhaps that’s what leads up to her coughing episode later.
What exactly was he doing the first time? You might want to include that in the beginning.
You know, I think someone should check that she’s breathing first. Of course she’s sick and a doctor is definitely needed, but she just fell into a lake! Before her sickness, they’ve got to check that she hasn’t drowned, eh?
Alright, Cade must be really strong, Rose might be really light, or this is a little unrealistic. Right now I’m leaning towards the last choice. If her father and grandfather are there with him, I think it would make more sense if one of them helped Cade out. I know Cade’s the hero here, but he already swam her to shore! He has to be a little tired by now, at least. Why don’t you be nice to him and give him a little help, eh?
Um, so, did he pass out? If so, I’m sure he’d be in a hospital bed himself.
A few minutes, really? If they’re out by a lake, I’m a little surprised a hospital or a doctor’s office is so close. But if it is, that’s awesome. It’d be nice to see some tenseness on Cade’s side though. Even if it were three minutes, I’m sure he would view it as forever. The love of his life is on the verge of death!
IV. Style
So, as a general look, I think you’re very straightforward in your storytelling. Which is great. It makes it easy for the reader to understand and get the point. However, you also lose some detail in such conciseness. I think that, by adding some more depth to things, you’d really make this a lovely piece.
For example, the setting. I know they’re at a lake. From what I know, lakes are beautiful! Describe the water, the trees, the air, the sky! When they’re inside the cabin, what does it look like? Modern, or rustic? Is it an old lake house their family has owned for years?
Or at the dinner. The dialogue, while polite, doesn't imply as much as it could. I get the feeling Cade is trying to soldier on. He's obviously in pain because he's going to lose Rose, so it seems like he's the type to just pretend none of it is happening. It's kind of hard to tell at this point if that's how he is though. Add some internal dialogue! It'll give us more insight into his character.
Some more examples, immediately pertaining to the story:
That second part, right there, could definitely be worded more naturally. ‘Making me want to tell the truth’ seems so awkward. Perhaps something like ‘and I felt as if her blue eyes were wrestling the truth out of me’ or even simpler, ‘her blue eyes demanding the truth I wanted to tell’.
What sort of a sigh is this? Is it a casual sigh, where she’s brushing the matter off? Is it a crestfallen sigh, because she wanted him to tell her he loved her? A pained sigh, because she takes his 'friendly gesture' as pity? It's up to interpretation since Cade is the narrator, so what does it look like to him?
The description at the hospital is certainly well-done. Use that as a model for the rest of the story. Add things like 'tubes running everywhere' to other parts of the story. It'll flesh it out nicely, I'm sure.
V. Pacing
For the most part, this was fine. I think there should be more lead-up to her fall, since that's the climax and all. Maybe they should have a little more conversation before her coughing fit. He could ask how she feels. She could pine over the dreams she'll never get to even try to reach. Things like that, to show some more about the characters, you know?
VI. Overall
You've got a knack for storytelling. This was bittersweet, in a really pleasant way. I know that, if you just elaborate on details a little more, you'll have something really special in your hands. Great work. Remember that these are only suggestions, and you have final say on where you want your story to go. If you've got any questions, just let me know! I'm always happy to clarify. Thanks for sharing this story, I certainly enjoyed it!
Best of luck,
octo