Today was cloudy....again. I was starting to get used to the warm weather when this cluster of gloomy days found it's way into town; it was a real bummer. Tommy, my very cool, and short statured friend didn't seem to mind much, though. He wanted to adventure through rain or shine. I admired his enthusiasm, but I couldn't keep up as well as I used to.
"The other kids from down the street asked me to go play with them again, X." Tommy muttered, fiddling with a doll- oh, excuse me, "action figure" that was ridden with teeth marks and years of abuse. The topic always seemed to sweep him into total distress and it wasn't for a logical reason; he wasn't scared to play with new kids, in fact, he was thrilled.
"Well let's go play with them, dude. " I breathed with ease through a smile, plopping onto his creaky bed, which failed to admit any noise for me.
"But they always ignore you."
This was always the problem. He seemed to catch it more and more lately, though with him turning twelve next month it was inevitable. I knew I would have to go eventually, I could only be a good thing for him for so long. With love comes sacrifice and all of that jazz, right?
"Look, Tommy-ado. You remember how I told you only cool people can see me? Those kids are chumps to someone like me. But they want to hang with you, maybe you can up their cool levels." I offered and tussled the mop of brown atop his head. "Go play with them. I'll hang back, alright."
I could see the hesitation in those green eyes of his. He never wanted to do anything without me, which was proving to be more of a problem than I thought it would be. I gave him a nudge and turned on my stomach. "Go on, dude. I'll just snooze till you get back, okay?"
He nodded, "Okay...but you better not touch those puddings I stashed! Mom almost caught me last night."
"Yeah, yeah. I swear." I threw my hands up in defeat, pulling my lips upward into a lopsided grin. "All of your snackpacks will be safely packed when you come home. Now go."
I watched him tug on his jacket and dash out of the room. It wasn't until five minutes later that I heard the door click, which meant I was in the clear. He'd probably only be gone for an hour or two. Not that it mattered; I only needed a minute to do what I needed to. It was clearly my time to hit the road, what with him going into middle school next year. It just sucks, you know? I got the sour end of the deal. He gets to move on without me and I get to...well, you know. Anyways, better sooner than later.
Even though I told myself that. I found myself stuck in place, staring at the cluttered mess that went from nursery, to racecar-themed toddler hell, to current pre-teen disaster shelter. He'd probably figure out how to use a dresser correctly by high school, I hope.
Before I knew it, I heard his foot steps echoing up the stairs. I took a deep breath, held my poor half-parent-half-friend self together and said my goodbyes.
He pushed the door open with a grin so bright it probably would have blinded the sun. His shoulders high and cheeks pink, "X, you wouldn't believe-"
He stared into the empty space and nervously fingered his pockets, "X?"
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This was quite the piece here. It kept me on my toes for the majority of it, trying to piece together what it could possibly all mean once put together and just in general, I think you've done a pretty darn good job of creating this scene here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...this is off to an intriguing start here. It seems mildly cliche with the introduction there, but then it did move away from the cliche somewhat as we went on and on the whole I think there's more than enough here to get the attention of a reader here, so I'd say its a fairly solid start at the moment.
Okayy...well this is interesting, I am getting the feeling that perhaps this person whose doing all the persuading is either some kind of imaginary friend, either that or something more supernatural is going on here. At any rate, both options seem like they'd present equally intriguing situations so, this is off to a pretty neat start I think. We're certainly getting a few interesting questions already as readers from just these bits of dialogue.
OKayy..this is interesting, it looks like this personal isn't quite so magical after all, but rather a normal human one looking to make some form of escape, perhaps from a younger brother they don't want anything to do with. Either way, we are creating some pretty interesting situations at the moment.
Okayy....well this is quite something here...we're getting a clear sense of some sort of nostalgia and the whole half parent, half friend deal is also very interesting, but well it seems they go through with the running away plan anyway and it leaves us on a very interesting note, especially because it ends by showing that clearly this one did vanish..but also by telling us the name X...which is proving to be quite something here. On the whole, its the sort of ending that really does make you think quite a bit.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a solid story here. It is one of those stories that leave you with quite a bit to think about and one that leaves you wondering about what it could all mean here. On the whole, we've got a pretty solid piece here I think.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Grammatically, I saw a few errors. It's and its and a few unnecessary commas. I think you got the feelings of an imaginary friend who has to leave spot on. I also really liked the description of Tommy's room, I think it really captures 'pre-teen boy'.
One problem that I saw was in the second paragraph where it said, "The topic always seemed to sweep him into total distress and it wasn't for a logical reason; he wasn't scared to play with new kids, in fact, he was thrilled." I had to read it twice to really understand what you meant by that. I think it could have definitely been worded more clearly.
In terms of the overall story, I think it was pretty good. It didn't tug on my heartstrings, but not a lot does (unless a dog dies, then I'm bawling). I didn't find it littered with cliches and the use of first person was really a good choice. Overall I liked it and thought it was good.
Thank you!! Your notes are appreciated!! I stopped writing for a while so I have to get back into the whole proper grammar and sentence structure thing.
Hello!
.
This was a very emotion filled, realistic story.
There are many many stories about imaginary friends leaving, so as far as originality goes, I would give it an 7/10.
The unique piece of this story is that the imaginary friend decided to leave for himself.
Usually in "imaginary friend" stories, it's the kid who decides it's time for his/her friend to leave. The real kid is usually the person who is like "Dude. I'm to old for you. You gotta go."
However, in your story, the imaginary friend, X, was the one who decided for himself, "It's my time. Sorry Tommy."
The last sentence broke my heart.
He stared into the empty space and nervously fingered his pockets, "X?".
I could picture in my mind Tommy's face just falling, in the sudden realization that his, probably closest friend, left him. It was a great sentence, and summarized how he must have felt.
I was confused on this line:
He'd probably figure out how to use a dresser correctly by high school, I hope.
What does this mean? Am I missing something? I probably am. Lol.
Anyways- thanks for writing this!
I feel like you found a way to take a commonly used premise and transform it to make it your own.
Keep writing! I hope there's a sequel.
XXX,
sapphireluna
Thank you!! I found this topic on Pinterest and decided to give it a whirl. The dresser thing was just X saying that Tommy was messy and couldn't seem to put his clothes away right lol
I really appreciate your kind remarks and encouragement:^)
OH that makes more sense!
Any time.
XXX,
sapphireluna