Right. First thing you need to know about me: I hear voices.
I’ve heard them ever since I could remember. I was an odd child seemingly distracted by the smallest thing. At least that’s what everybody else saw, but from my perspective, the whole world around me was filled with voices. Not voices from people around me, however. These voices screamed, and shouted, and whispered, and hissed, and spoke in my ears. Carried by even the smallest of breezes. You would think I would be insane by now. But I’m not. I’ve heard these voices all my life. It has always been my ‘normal’.
Oh! I apologize, I just realized I have not introduced myself yet. My name is Kendra Ventus, and I am an Ancient.
What is an Ancient? The Ancients were the first Humans. Due to their deep and abiding connection to the four spirits of the Earth, the Ancients are gifted with a piece of one of the spirits at birth. These spirit pieces allow the Ancients to manipulate the spirit's element. Those of the eldest spirit could manipulate the earth and its plants and animals, those of the second eldest could control the air, those of the second youngest could control the water, and those of the youngest can manipulate fire. Along with these powers, the spirits gifted the Ancients with a familiar that acts as a friend and companion the entirety of their lives.
Many, many years after the Ancients mastered their powers, a new species appeared that was identical to the Ancients, except for one thing. These people don’t have powers gifted to them by the Spirits of the Earth. These people became known as the ‘humans.’
Now, Ancients have very few children born to each family, even three children in one family is rare. However, the humans have many children born to each family. Because of this, the Ancients were out populated by the humans very very quickly. Overtime, the Ancients simply faded into the background, blending into human culture perfectly until they faded into legend, then all word of them disappeared, except for with in the Ancients themselves.
Right. History lesson, is over! Sorry about that, by the way. I just destroyed several dozen millennia of what you believed to be history in three paragraphs. I think that’s a new record. Anyway, I’m getting side tracked. Let’s start when I have to run for my life, shall we?
I tear through the trees, branches tearing at my skin and clothes. One of my winds races up from behind me, bringing with it the sounds of the hounds tearing after me. I trip on a root, sending me tumbling through the foliage surrounding a clearing. The hounds burst into the clearing, the smell of their rotting flesh filled the air in a thick, pungent cloud that surrounded the entire clearing.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey there MultiverseGuardian. (Love the profile picture by the way.) It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
1. I found that your chapter was different in nature(no joke intended) to others of its class length. Usually short chapters are dreary flashbacks that don't say much. While you included the Flashback Mode the time still stayed the same and was not separated by a row of asterisks or some other symbol. I think that might be why I liked the explanation. On length your chapter is a little short, even if it was just an introduction.
2. The topic and explanation you chose are a little overused, but it may level out in the end. This plot could be built up in many different ways, but I would like to see another chapter of the story before I provide any of these ideas. Until I see the path you plan to go, I am afraid I will have to keep suspicions to myself.
-I did like how you left it on sort of a cliffhanger.
-Your style of humor also kept my attention longer than I thought it would.
3. The first line was very gripping and interesting, but I think my grammar and spelling analysis will have to start here.
i.
-You start out the line simply with the extremely short, one word sentence "Right." I know not if that it grammatically correct or not, I try and stick to the major mistakes or something that really bothered me.
-It was the next sentence's use of a colon that really bothered me. I thought colons were usually used when giving a list of examples. Like "things you need to know about me". I thought if it was just one you just used a comma, but I might be wrong.
ii. Besides that one spot I didn't see anything else except for this one sentence.
-You just need a comma in between the two very(s) where I put the red comma.
4. Just a couple of questions and then I should be able to wrap everything up.
i. Was this meant as a journal entry or she was retelling a story to someone?
ii. If it was a journal entry, what event prompted her to start writing a journal? Or have you not fully plotted out what happened in the past to cause these current events?
iii. I ask the previous questions because I am pretty sure some big, grand event is going to cause some adventure for the hero to go on. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
5. Well, that's about all I have for you. It looks like before you write another chapter you need to get out there and do some reviewing. The green room is pretty packed this month so why not start there. I hope to be reading your next chapter soon.
Best of luck to you.
-lizzy
Hey it's Ellesegar, giving you a review... So without further ado, let the reviewing begin.
First off, I love the first line. It's so captivating and it is super cool! It makes me want to keep reading. In the second sentence of the first paragraph, I would put a comma after child, to connect the phrases better.
Personally, I would take out the apology all together and just say, "My name is Kendra Ventus, and I am an Ancient." I would then goon to take out the next question and just continue with describing what an ancient is.
Speaking of that, I love how you use imagery to describe what an Ancient is. This part of your work is amazing. Absolutley amazing. I love it. It's absolutley amazing. So in recap, you are an amazing writer and great job!
~Ellesegar~