One Chance

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 One Chance

Hi my name is Leticia Ramirez and I have a unique family. My mom and dad are divorced and I think my mom boyfriend is going to move in with us. His name is Adrian and my moms name is Esperanza. It's the year 2014 and we live in the streets of Boyle Heights. So my parent really didn't like me. I would always overhear them talking about me and saying why can they just leave her somewhere and to take care of her own. So then the day came where I did something wrong and that my parents didn't like it so it was the first time where both my mother and soon to be stepfather, are going to hit me. I felt a hit then another, one after the other and I just took them. It was like I knew it was coming. It just never stopped, It felt like it was the longest hitting I have ever felt. Then it stopped I got up and they were gone. After that day I felt like I chose the wrong decision. I wanted to run away, but then I met you Alice.

Alice says "what happened what did you do to deserve that."

I said "I was mopping and I dropped the bucket full of water and out of nowhere my dad and mom came in."

"But why that is your mom and why would she do something like that" Alice says.

''I don't know it's just something has been happening for a while now and I don't think that my mom wants to hurt me but something seems bad about Adrian. I don't think I can talk more about this" I said.

"So where should we talk about this" Alice says.

"I don't know maybe at your place later after school where no one can hear us." I said.

Alice then said, "Okay we'll go to my house."

As we walked in the dark to Alice’s house, it was silent. Alice gave deep breaths and we can see the light of car flashing in our eyes as they passed by. Not one of us spoke and we didn't even talk about anything at all. So as we were getting to her house we saw a busy road and that we had to go around the whole street, but instead decided to walk through it.

" It is ok, we will walk home together we both walk through this street" Alice smiled.

"I don't think it is a good idea to walk together today my mom wants me home really early" Leticia said.

" Yesterday a bucket full of water fell and my mom blamed me and started hitting me" Leticia whispered.

“ Every time she hit me it would leave a really painful sting for a couple of seconds" I said.

"Wow I didn't know your parent did that to you, am sorry" Alice whispered.

"It's ok, it is not your fault, that my parents hit me like this" Me with a sad tone.

" You have to leave now my parent see us" I yelled.

" Where I can not see them" Alice confused.

"They're in the dark blue truck, the one that's going really fast" Leticia yelled.

"Alice watch out" Leticia yelled as she grabbed her and pulled her out of the way while the dark blue truck barely skinned her.

Both Of us fell to the floor as the truck tried to make a U-turn.

" Over there in the dark alley they will never find us there" Leticia yelled as we ran to the alley.

" There behind the trash cans" Alice yelled as she ran over to them and laid down on the floor that was covered in trash and dirt.

I didn't want to but I had to there was no choice and laid down next to her just as the truck entered the alley

." Be really quiet they know we are in here" Leticia whispered.

The truck passed very slowly

“Do you see them" Adrian said

. " I can't see them yet, oh over there at the end of the alley" Esperanza screamed as the truck took off full speed to the end of the alley.

Meanwhile We got up and started running.

” Let's go to my house" Alice yelled.

"Good idea " Leticia replied quickly..

As we finish crossing the road she asked me "want to come in or stay on the step”

I said "just on the steps."

We talked for a long time and that's when it all started. I started to talk about what I wanted to do and all of our argument, were out and we were fighting.

"Alice am scared after what they almost did to you imagine what they might do to me after they found out that we went to your house to spend the night" I nervously screamed.

"This is what i'm trying to say" Alice yelled out.

"You would be way happier living with your real father" Alice with a happier tone.

"What if he doesn't want me back." I whisper

" Why wouldn't he want you back" Alice replied quickly.

" When my parents got divorced they let me choose who to live with that was most comfortable for me to live in so I chose mom, and after that day I haven't seen my real dad, but still me and my mom were happy" Leticia said with a smile.

" Then that's when Adrian showed up and changed our whole life" Me with a disgusted face.

"After he started living with us, my mom started to change a lot, she started becoming more aggressive towards me" Me scared looking too the street.

"First it started with the yelling then the hitting then ,Adrian started doing it too." Leticia cried out.

" how long have you been living like this." Alice said trying to hold back the tears in her eyes.

" I have been living this way since we were about 8" Leticia replied quickly.

" Sometimes my feelings make me think that the world could use one less person" struggling to say.

"What are you trying to say" Alice said confused.

" The best option is to just not live anymore" I said with a big sigh.

"Don't do this there are better options than this " Alice yelled.

"What options do I have" I yelled back.

"Leticia, one option, going back and living with your father"Alice said with a smile.

"No no no, This is not possible to achieve, he won't care, what if he doesn't want me back" said rapidly.

"Leticia calm down, don't worry everything is going to be ok We will just settle this in the morning."

"Leticia, wake up my mom just finish making breakfast, is everything all right?" Alice asked. "No I spent the whole night think about leaving this place to go live with my father that is if he lets me live with him" Leticia said with a frown.

"Well did you make up your mind on living with him or not" Alice asked.

“I did make up my mind last night, and finally made the decision, am going to try to go back and live with my father"Leticia said with a smile.

" How did you make up your mind " Alice asked curiously?

" You were the one to help make a decision. Tried to ignore it but going back to live with my father does sound like a good idea. The best option is to go back and live with my father" Leticia said.

"I know what to do now, where is your phone? Hello is this Raymundo we need to talk it's your daughter."

After three months Leticia and Alice had a conversation about how they're doing. Alice told Leticia,

"Hi Leticia how are you?" she said with excitement and joy. Leticia replied,

"I've been doing good myself and you ?" With a bright smile she has never revealed to anybody. Alice said,

"I'm doing good too as well like always, I'm just glad to see you are relief and finally free from everything that has happened to you back then". Leticia glanced away long as if something interesting had caught her attention. She finally turned to look at Alice and replied,

"You know.......Everything that happened to me was maybe for a reason. I was trapped in a house where there was no love or care, only judgment and cruelty." She looked down at the colorful green grass she was sitting on, remembering the cruel abuses she went through. Alice responded,

"what you went through never had to be reason to happen, you so sweet and a lovely person, no one like you should ever have to be treated like that." Leticia looked back slowly smiling, and she continued,

"maybe all this was to make me stronger, realize how the real word is and to see if I would get through it, which I did. All of this wouldn't have happened if it weren't for you Alice." Leticia was smiling at Alice with her dear eyes looking straight through her. Alice told Leticia,

".....you're my friend Leticia, my best friend, I wouldn't like to see like how you were with your mom. I would have feeling deep down that would just break and start worrying about you. That feeling was always there, thinking about how they're treating you, what they might be doing to you or how you'll get through it. That's why did what I did because I care about you, and I know you would do the same for me". Both of them looked at each other with a smile that showed their real happy side.

"Of course I would do the same for you Alice, you're like a sister to me, the other half of me, without you I'm nothing. You showed me the good from bad and stood by my side through thick and thin, and I thank you for it. I really do." Leticia told Alice.

"I prefer seeing you like this Leticia, doing no drugs, no self-harming and doing better in your academics in school." Alice said to Leticia. Leticia responded,

"And so do I Alice, I love who I have become now, and I love the person I live with now. My actual dad Raymond takes care of me, gives me the attention I need, loves me, cares about me and gives me compliments. He makes me feel like a princess, and I love that feeling. I don't have to worry about anyone trying to hurt me, I feel protected around my dad everytime he's around me." Alice responded,

"And that's how it should've been from the beginning, someone to love and care for you, and I'm glad it's happening." Leticia said back,

"There's not a day where my dad doesn't appreciate me or tells me how much I mean to him and loves me." with a big bright smile. She continued,

"How about we stop talking about the dark past and go get something delicious to eat?" she said with a laugh. Alice responded with a smile,

"yea, that's a better idea, let's go eat." They made their way to Carl's Jr where they were delighted with the food they served. The smell of the beef, barbecue, fries and burgers made their stomachs growl. Both Leticia and Alice ordered the same meal, a double bacon cheese burger with large fries and a medium drink. While eating they talked more about how they been and what they plan on doing in the future. Alice tells Leticia,

"I was planning to take AP English and Science next year for my sophomore year". Leticia responded, "That's great Alice, you're up for the challenge and I know you can handle it". Alice asked Leticia, "What about you Leti? what are your plans for school or anything that you are interested in?".

"Well, first of all I still have to catch up on my credits, then from there I'm planning to to take AP math as well, and in addition to that, I'm also planning to join leadership".

"That's great Leticia, I'm overwhelmed of how much your habits have changed and your attitude as well".

"With the therapy I've been going to, I have been changing into a better person and I'm so proud of myself", Leticia stated. Alice then said,

"What about the drugs? Have you been going to therapy for that as well?".

"Of course I have been going to therapy for that. I go every week to go get checked from my doctor to see if i have done any type of drugs such as weed or pills".

"I love how things are going for you Leticia and I hope you keep it up!".

After Carl’s Jr., I called dad and told him that both of us were going home are coming back home.

"Hey dad we're finished eating, Can you come pick us up from Arctic Carl’s Jr please?"

He asked to wait outside and both of us saw dad coming, and got on. We're driving back home and there was a big car crash. The news was here because the drivers crashed into a building and the building fell. Then that's when it started, Mother was watching the news and she saw us there. When we got home the phone started ringing and picked it up. It was a Private Number, so didn't know who it was. She said something, but didn't understand and they hung up. Then waited more time and they called again.They asked to meet them in a place, but I said no. Hung up and I thought that she was some prank callers.

"Then what happen Letitia, say more" Alice demanded.

Then they called back and I told them who are yo and she said that she was my mother and she said that she was going to find me and bring me back home. I told her no that I want to stay with my dad and that I would never go back with her. Mom then somehow found me and brought the cops and they told yours truly that they were taking me away and that they were going to take me to my mother because Mom had lied that my dad had kidnapped yours truly and wouldn't give myself back. So that is why mother told them that dad kidnapped just to take myself, and that when it started. Mom said to not resist and nothing would happen. Also that the cops would do nothing towards my Father.Then I explained to the cops in my saddest vocie ever what had happened. Then saw their faces looked like they were full of sadness. Then I looked at my mom it looked like she wanted to kill me. It just looked like she was so mad to the point that I actually thought she was was going to come running at me to hit me. then the cops told us “ This has to go into court then we will see what the judge would say.”

Then I looked over at my dad his face looked so hopeful that it even made me smile. Then I looked at my mom and she gave me the look again that one mean look. Then a few days later passed and then the day came the day of the trail. Then the trail went on then it finally came to an end. This was moment we were all waiting my heart was beating so hard i was starting to feel really scared. Then the judge finally said” The young lady Leticia Ramirez will now live with her father raymundo”

At that moment I got so happy that I started acting like a little girl jumping up and down. Then my dad looked at me and said “ Let go home to your new safe home”

Then I told him “thanks dad let's go”

However those words he told me i knew that would never forget them because they were just the nicest thing i had ever heard. So we finally got home and my dad told me “Welcome to your new home”

I gave Alice a call right after we got home I told her “ Guess what we won.”

Then she screamed “ That is awesome, now you're finally safe no more getting hit”

Then I told Alice “Thank you, for always staying by my side and never letting me go. Also for always seeing the good in me and for me you are truly a friend”

After that wonderful day passed me and alice got even closer. I myself became a happier person and more positive one also. I noticed I became one because I would alway be helping Alice and other people that needed help.

Comments & reviews · 7
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User avatar
MJthesongbird
Review

Hi, mjthesongbird here!

Before I begin criticizing, here are a few positives.

1. This was a good story with a good ending.

2. I loved the friendship between the girls and how one of them helped the girl escape her abusive parent.

Now, the dreaded negatives.

1. There are times when I'm confused about the point of view the story is told in. Is it in one person or third person? I think you should have wrote it in third person.

2. Show, not tell. Don't have your character say, "Hi, my name is ( ) I love books and I'm very shy." We don't need the profile of your character. Maybe do something like this:

Elizabeth sighed as she walked into her basement. The walls were covered with posters of sheet music by Mozart and Chopin. She sat down on a desk covered with lined paper covered with random notes and chewed up pens and pencils.

"Cruel reality, isn't it?" she asked herself as she picked up a chewed-up pen. "That I must live in a world where beauty is rare and never lasts long."

This shows us Elizabeth might be a composer of some sort. The posters of Mozart and Chopin shows us she's a fan of classical music. The chewed pens and pencils shows us she has the habit of chewing her pencils and pens. This is a good representation of show, not tell.

3. The grammer isn't, well... I can't really understand some of the sentences and you have a few missing words in a few places.

4. I've kind of seen this stuff in other stories. I'm not saying this isn't original, but I like stories that are new instead of hearing the same story told slightly different over and over again by others. Not saying that people should be original, but I prefer stories that have a unique sense to them like they're the only thing out there that is like it.

Besides that, I think with a bit of polishing here and there, this would be a good story dealing with child abuse.

I hope that you continue writing and improve as you grow up, writing better and better stories until they are perfect.

~mjthesongbird

[Insert greeting here], Holographic Ladybug here for a short review.
(I'm really sorry if I sound harsh. These are things I noticed that need work. If I offend, I apologize.)

You introduced your main character in the beginning; I do not recommend this. It is more telling than showing. Readers enjoy it when the past, character, situation, and characteristics are revealed to them, not told right on the spot.

You also seem to switch narrators without warning. One moment you're in first person, then you're in third all of the sudden. It gets very confusing. You REALLY need to do something about this.

Your dialogue needs work. The punctuation, too. Some things are where they aren't or are missing... If someone like me who is really picky about grammatical errors reads this, there is a chance that they'll stop reading or skim over a bunch of things. You want people to read and get interested your story, right? If you're not sure how to do this, I recommend you look it up or ask a teacher or something like that.

About your fluency... Sometimes it feels a bit like point-form. Read your story out loud and make sure it isn't choppy. Make sure your story flows well. I'm not sensing much flow here. If you're not sure how to fix this, ask someone you know to read it for you and give you well-structured advise.

That's it from me. I hope I didn't sound too harsh. Have a great whatever-time-of-day-it-is!
~Holographic Ladybug
(Fades away....)

User avatar
TaniyaShaji Comment

Hi there!
I like your story.
From whose perspective is this story written? In the beginning it is said "Hi my name is Leticia Ramirez.." and I said "I was mopping and I dropped.... But later on there appears these statements that says "Leticia said" like "... today my mom wants me home really early" Leticia said.
There are some grammar errors too.
Overall the story is great. There is friendship, fight and you showed how teens with divorced parents feel. Keep it up!

User avatar
TaniyaShaji Review

Hi there!
I like your story.
From whose perspective is this story written? In the beginning it is said "Hi my name is Leticia Ramirez.." and I said "I was mopping and I dropped.... But later on there appears these statements that says "Leticia said" like "... today my mom wants me home really early" Leticia said.
There are some grammar errors too.
Overall the story is great. There is friendship, fight and you showed how teens with divorced parents feel. Keep it up!

User avatar
TaniyaShaji Comment

Hi there!
I like your story.

Random avatar
ronaksh21
Review

Hello dear, i found your story quite intresting and i was really a fantastic story. You have good imagination power but the problem i found was your grammer and some words you omitted were necessary to make it better understandable. What i liked the most was that in the beginning you started with your character letica started telling about herself then after sometime she went back in a flashback and then again in present. Your the way of story narration was also cool i liked it.
You showed what really happens with such kids who goes through divorced parents . All in a word mind blowing.cool .

Thanks for your review. I appreciate that.

Random avatar
lilmoco Review
lilmoco wrote a review · Thu Dec 17, 2015 4:39 pm

I think this story is good overall, because I think it was thought out pretty good. It runs smooth, and doesn't feel like its dragging you along. It does seem that you didn't take much time into grammar and punctuation so you do need to do work on that. Another thing is that there is a lot of dialog, I wish we could know more of what Leticia, Alice, and the other characters are thinking throughout the story, that would make the story more interesting. But good job.

what made the mom and dad break up,but overall aokay



People ask if I ever experience writer's block and I just have to laugh... that's my default position.
— Aaron Sorkin