prologue
She was running, running into the depths of the forest to never be heard or seen about again. her heart pumping the thud drum drum skip beat sigh. Tears were splashing down her face and she whispered "this is why I love the rain, no-one can tell I've been crying, no-one can tell I'm hurt." She slumps down next to a tree and is waiting, waiting for what you would say.... waiting on everything
Chapter 1
It all started with the first day of a new year, a new school, new teachers, and most importantly it started high school. Amy had never been one to talk to guys but when she saw Derick something in her being shook and she knew she had to meet him. Everyone would classify Amy as a girl you did want to hang out with unless you wanted your reputation to be permanently scarred. Everyone would say Deric was the guy to know, the bad boy of the town, he could get any girl he wanted except the one he truly wanted was a social disaster.
Every day would start off the same, Derick and Amy walking to class, Derick not wanting to get caught flirting with her. Amy wanting more than the world to be with him. One day Derick dropped by her house put roses on her door and ran of leaving Amy to wonder who in the world would do that? She never knew it was him, she wanted it to be him but something in her mind told her she wasn't good enough for him. How could they ever be together?
A few days later on a Monday Derick came up to her and said Amy I really do like you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is cute, just moving a little too fast.
It seems like an interesting idea, but I want to see how they met, how they got to the point that he was telling her he liked her. That is the best part, after all. I don't want to see the relationship, I want to see how they got to the relationship.
I would just work on slowing this down. The only thing we know about the characters is that she is 'popular' and he is 'the bad boy.' It is cliche, but I don't care about that stuff. A cliche is fine if you are doing it the right way!
Keep writing.
Questions/comments, PM me.
Classy
Hey, I'm Amie and I'll be your reviewer today
Ok, so first off I can see where you're going with this and it has plenty of potential.
I'd watch out for general grammatical mistakes because there are a few in this extract. Also don't forget capitalization after a full stop and dialogue should be on the following line and indented.
"her heart pumping the thud drum drum skip beat sigh." This bit doesn't make sense much, i can see what you're trying to say, but you're not exactly doing it.
"A few days later on a Monday Derick came up to her and said Amy I really do like you." - I think this has come in too early. You need to develop the characters more, show us their relationship. Show us that they both like each other but neither can say it because they're from different cliques.
Remember the main rule in writing. Show don't tell!
Hope this helps