Published January 8, 2016
I often wonder if it was something I did, perhaps I said something displeasing to my family,but whatever it was it must have been pretty bad. But why? out of all punishments, would they give me the silent treatment? My mom and dad even somehow gotten my little sister Emily to play along as well. It’s odd when I think about it, everything was okay yesterday. Yesterday was just like everyday at least I think, to be honest I don’t remember much. I remember waking up early, Emily came in to wake me up, screaming about some trip. Where we were going, I don’t remember. I also remember riding it my mom's van, we only ride in it when we take long trips, then I woke up in my bed. The only conclusion I could come to was that I blacked out, it seemed to make sense, I often do when i’m really angry.
I stared across the table at my sister, she wasn't her happy self like normal, her head hung low and she ate her meal with little enthusiasm. Her eyes were watery and pusy and every so often she would let out quiet sobs, probably gotten herself in trouble I thought. But that suddenly disappeared when I looked up at my parents, there faces were the same as Emily's. My heart sank in my chest did something happen yesterday? worry and fear suddenly took over my body, I felt blood rush to my ears. I looked down at the table, there was not plate and as I realized this I realized I had been standing, the fourth chair was gone. I was pissed off now the silent treatment was one thing but to remove me from the family was another. I turned to my mother, who didn't seem to notice me standing there.
“Hey what gives?” I yelled. No answer, I yelled again.
“Hello?” still no answer.
I bald my fist and slammed them against the table, I didn't even get a reaction, it wasn't until the doorbell rang before any of them moved. My mother looked up at me startled then quickly moved from the table to the door, Emily followed her. She slowly opened it, there in the doorway stood my best friend James, I was happy to see him, he was the only one who could tell me what was going on.
“Hello is Marshall here?”
I ran to greet him then stopped dead in my tracks, my mother bursted into tears, her voice cracked as she tried to speak. I looked at Emily, who was now in the floor in the same state as my mother, clutching the welcome rug tightly. My mother looked at James with pure grief,
“Marshall is dead.”
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140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
I liked the story from the beginning. I was curious to know where this story was heading, that means you were able to maintain the curiosity of the reader to the end.
Anyway, I think you could add a bit more detail into the story like,
*Did she sense any difference in her?
*Appearance of her parents and their mood (You did a good job with explaining about her sister though)
And Adding a bit more dialogue between her family, at least a few words would've been interesting, but still I think this is a really good story with minimum errors in using commas and all.
Anyway, Good job!
Hi MrsxCreepypasta! I'm here for a quick review~
I really liked this story. You did a good job describing the frustration and confusion of the silent treatment the character is given, and used good suspense as well! Here's a few things I noticed:
-The first sentence kind of confused me, I think it might flow better if you replace the first comma with a semicolon, as both parts of this sentence can stand alone. Also, add a comma after "was", as there should be a pause there.
-You need a space between ",but" (first sentence)
-Capitalize "out" in the third sentence
-Maybe rephrase the fourth sentence to "Somehow, my mom and dad even got my sister to play along as well" ("even somehow gotten" sounds a little strange).
-Add comma after "yesterday was just like every day" and begin a new sentence with "to be honest"
-Add semicolon after "I remember waking up early" or split the sentence into two.
-The word "it" is confusing in the next sentence, specify what they are/replace with the noun.
-Add a period instead of a comma after "was that I blacked out", then capitalize "it" and the rest can be your last sentence for paragraph one.
-End sentence of second paragraph after "sister", and make the rest into the second sentence
-Replace "pusy" with "puffy," (with comma) there might have been some word confusion there
-rephrase "probably gotten herself in trouble I thought" to "I thought she had probably gotten herself in trouble" (although try to use a different word than 'gotten')
-Replace "there" with "their" in the next sentence
-Split the next sentence into two after "chest"
-Capitalize "worry"
-The next sentence is very confusing, I would replace it with "I looked down at the table and realized there was not a plate and that I had been standing, the fourth chair was gone
-Add comma or period after "pissed off" and a comma after "one thing" in the next sentence.
-Add comma after "Hey"
-change "bald" to "balled" and change "them" to "it" in the same sentence (or make "fist" into "fists" and keep "them"
-I would add a "but" after "against the table," and end the sentence after "reaction"
-Add commas before and after "startled"
-Add an "and" after "she slowly opened it" and end the sentence after "James"
-Maybe add "as" after "I was happy to see him" (it might help the flow of the sentence, but this one is still good as it is)
-Add comma: "Hello, is Marshall here?"
-Add comma after "I ran to greet him" and end sentence after "tracks"
-Replace the comma after grief with a period.
Wow, sorry, that was a lot! But I think these will help the flow of the story and not confuse the reader, and it was mainly just grammar that I needed to fix. I would maybe work on using active voice more and less "be" verbs. The story itself is very intriguing and I hope you continue it so I can find out who Marshall is! Good job :3
This is missing another piece.
"Yesterday was just like any other day, COMMA at least I think it was. PERIOD. To be honest I don't remember much but I remember waking up early. I remember Emily waking me up about some trip. Where we were going to, I don't remember."
I feel like in his position he couldn't make conclusions. Most likely he could guess at something but not conclude what did happen. Just something to think about.
1/2 of the review. Will give the second half later.
Sorry mate but i saw that coming. I think you made it obvious by the way you wrote it.
EverWinter here, to give you a review.
I did not see that coming. Honestly I was like "Oh great, teenage anger and stuff like that." But nope. I really wonder... How did he die? Will you be writing that as a separate story? If not, I would suggest putting it in this, just a short little tale, in italics. It would add to the story and appease my brain, because I'm dying to know what happened!
I would just say the same as maverymadams and tell you to watch your grammar a bit. Also, James would have known when it happened in the story. He's Marshall's best friend. I think someone would call me if my bestie died. I haven't really gone through that, but I assume someone would tell me...
Also, James is a teenager, and if he was Marshall's best friend, he wouldn't have been so formal. He probably would have said "Hey, Mrs. G, is Marshall around?" or something along those lines.
I really liked this story. It took an unexpected turn that really pulled it all together.
Great Job!
Ever
This story has a lot of potential. You have some small errors, like capitalization and some wording doesn't make sense.
'out of all punishments' Out should be captialized.
'I remember waking up early, Emily came in to wake me up, screaming about some trip. Where we were going, I don’t remember. I also remember riding it my mom's van, we only ride in it when we take long trips, then I woke up in my bed.' This sentence doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I would write it as maybe,
I remember my sister Emily waking me up early about some trip. I don't remember where we were going exactly though. What I do recall is riding in my mother's van, and we only take the van when we are going on long trips.
Also who is Marshall? You might want to explain who that is before you said, "Is Marshall here?" Like if it's a friend, say I was looking around for one of my friends, or if it's an animal, I was looking around for our pet. Also work on where commas need to go. You have a lot of run-on sentences that can be easily fixed.
I really enjoyed it though. It was very gripping and I would love to read more and learn more about what is going on and why she can't remember anything. Keep on writing!
Marshall is the boy telling the story