Published July 9, 2009
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"Yet the intent with which they were marching gave the notion that a worn path was not of the essence."
I would revise that sentence to make it more understandable, also 'of the essence' really does not fit so well in that context.
'“I can not see anything,” she complained'
Use cannot instead of can not.
Everything else has been mentioned above concerning word or grammatical revision. Just a quick hit and run pointer.
I'm baack!
You wanted me to point out where you were missing commas, so I'll do so.
Comma after "Fatima."
Comma after "Oran." ^^
Again, comma after "Oran."
Comma after "or so."
Comma after "intense."
You need one after "Barron," and probably a period after "doing." "Barron, you must trust me, I know what I am doing. Now go!"
Again, after "Oran."
Comma after "Tyriel" and "Fatima."
“No my friend, [/quote]
Should be "No, my friend".
I would suggest a comma between "attention" and "it," but since it's a longer pause, a semicolon would work better. "It wasn't her beauty that ha his attention; it was what she was holding."
This needs re-phrasing. "His words" is not a proper dialogue tag. I'd end the dialogue with a period. Also, you need a comma after "were." Thus:
(The tacked-on "however" is unessecary; cut it out).
Should be "The baby, however, showed little notice (. . .)"
Should be "Fatima, smiling lightly, looked into Oran's face and raised an eyebrow."
Should be "Inauible to everyone but the child, it turned out (. . .)"
I don't understand this; why in the world did she "shriek"?
Should be "answered Roselyn, looking into Fatima's eyes gingerly." But why the "gingerly?" I think it's a rather odd adjective for looking into someone's eyes.
"Once you have a child of your own, you will understand."
"An Oran, who hadn't spoken it quite some time, looked down at the bunle and then examined its father, who for the first time was showing weakness."
Are you starting to get it a little bit more? I'm sure you can look up comma rules online, or ask one of the instructors. I don't really feel qualified to explain them all to you. I'm still learning, too. ^^
I'll critique the next chapter if you like. Just drop me a line on PM.
Keep writing!
-Hawkie-
Welcome to YWS, Mrob! Here's your review.
I. Nit-picking:
The period feels out-of-place; I'd use a comma instead.
I think you mean "not to have."
This is a small thing, but ellipses (the dots) always need to be spaced out. ". . ."
This is a question, so use the proper punctuation. "Where are we going?"
Again, punctuation. This should be "Oran, was that -?" The dash shows that it's incomplete.
This made me giggle, I apologize, but it seems really out-of-place and over-dramatic. Maybe it's the caps?
Should be "This is our son, Oran," otherwise it looks like Oran is the son. ^^
"Fist" is redundant. How about "curling his hand into a powerful fist"?
A typo - "it" should be "is."
II. Spelling/grammar
I found little to no spelling mistakes, but some of the grammar was a bit shaky. A lot of your dialogue was missing important commas, especially before and after character names. Check over your dialogue and read it out loud. Does it flow well, or does it need more or less punctuation?
III. Plot
The plot was - confusing. It was hard to follow what was happening throughout. It's okay for a prologue to be somewhat vague, but not too vague, otherwise you'll lose the reader. Start on the outside and work inward, and don't assume that your reader knows everything you and your character do.
That aside, this plot certainly has potential. I like the whole deal with the angels. I can definitely see this going somewhere.
IV. Characters
Your characters were well-defined, congratulations. It was skillful how quickly you characterized them all in just one chapter. I particularly like Fatima and Tyriel. Fatima seems smart and capable, and Tyriel seems very strong and warriorlike. ^^
V. Dialogue
A lot of your dialogue seemed awkward. You used a lot of caps, and like I said earlier, that ruins a lot of the effect. Use italics if you must, or better yet, just use the "he/she yelled" tag. ^^
VI. Overall
This could use some clarification and some grammar-work, but there's nothing that I could potentially see cropping up to mess up future chapters. Nice job!
You can't do enough world/culture-building. Develop the angel culture! What do they eat? What art and music do they like? What's their history? Etc.
Good work, and keep writing!
-Hawkie-