As her head rolled off of her shoulders and thudded against the hard ground, a figure clad all in black crept away from the body. Th police would arrive in several hours and find the bodies of five men and one women, all with their heads separated from their bodies. They would eventually move the file into a nondescript box, leaving it on a shelf for files that would never be solved.
But, back to the figure in black. His went by the name John, but no one knew his real name. John was a man that had very few friends, and most of those were people that he only kept in contact with as part of his job. He was a very sullen man, and he never seemed to have a smile on his face. He had one objective, and until he had achieved his goal, he would continue to travel the world and protect the people that did not even know that their lives were threatened.
For you see, John was a kind of hunter, but not your everyday hunter. He only hunted one...species of creature, but he managed to, over the years, perfect his technique of finding their nest and killing every last one of them. If society was able to understand the existence of this creature, they would consider it a monster. A slayer of men. And for the most part, they would be correct. But the trait that allows these creatures to survive and reproduce is that they look just like everyone else. No matter how hard you tried, you wold never be able to distinguish one of them from any other member of society.
They didn't exactly reproduce, but more so created a copy of another member of society. Every nest consisted of one female, known as the Queen. Whenever she was hungry, one of her "children" would go out into the world and collect one male for her to feast on. Once the Queen had consumed the body, she would lay an egg that would soon hatch into an exact replica of the person that she had consumed, but now, he existed only to do her bidding, bringing her food when she was hungry, and making her life and comfortable as possible. You may be asking how more nests are created, and that's a very good question. Once every three years, every Queen feasts upon one female, and hatches an exact replica of that female, just as the males. But, when a female is born, she has a direct link to the Mother.
The Mother was the creator of all of these creatures. She has her own entourage of servants that constantly move her around the world, protecting her from people like John. The Mother, unlike her children, would not blend into society. If you were to see her, it would seem like you were looking at a writhing mass of slime and puss, with piercing eyes that would seem to look right into your soul. Mother had a connection with all of her children, but she had a kind of telepathy with all of the separate Queens. She knew where they were at all times, and in fact, she determined which cities they would set up operation. She was the mastermind behind the immense operation that was the evolution and migration of their species.
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140,396 Literary Works • 673,154 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was quite a prologue here, I am definitely very interested with the premise here, it sounds like it certainly does promise to be a pretty cool story here with what appears to be going on in this world.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, this prologue gets off to a start and a half there, with heads being chopped off just one line into it, well, that most definitely gets your attention, especially this mysterious figure in black and how the police are apparently never going to actually solve what looks to be a bit of a mass murder here.
Okay...protection is not usually what you think of with regards to actual mass murdering but well..it is an interesting detail to throw in there. And this John being a person who appears to be someone that barely anyone knows certainly does add to the overall mystery of things here.
Ohhh...well our opinions of this guy has to take a properly rapid one eighty there...that much is clear...it appears that this one is actually fighting some kind of very advanced sounding parasitic species or something like that...it certainly seems like a kind of monster I haven't read about before and it sounds properly terrifying and quite difficult to spot there...well this gets my attention even better.
Okayyy...usually I would suggest against putting this much description in here but considering this is something very new, and the fact that you manage to blend it in relatively well to the rest of the story, this is actually quite helpful, you manage to dump just about enough information for us to get a better sense of how deadly these things are without completely drowning us in information. It also helps that all these details are pretty interesting.
Okay...well that one sounds extra scary there...now this thought is perhaps a bit too much of a tangent here...it takes away from the initial line of explanations that were going on, and while it certainly is scary and definitely ends the story on a lovely note that makes you want to know more...it perhaps is a bit too far away from where this began. Perhaps about John and how "people like John" operate would be a more suitable point to end on than this here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is off to a pretty good start, it certainly seems like the type of story that I would read here, its got a really cool premise here. There's just that one tiny thing that I felt like could be improved but besides that this is a pretty cool story here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This prologue appears to be the introduction to a very imaginative, interesting tale. It allows you to soak in what I suspect is the entire concept of the story, but it doesn't drown you with information at the same time. I also noticed that the words you used (Ex. consume, bidding, replica) seemed to magnify the writing somehow. I'm not sure that "magnify" is the right word, but it will suffice. Anyways, good job.
If you double-polish your writing, you'll notice that: in at least one case, a letter from a word is missing; there is misplaced or unnecessary punctuation; there are sentences that may not actually be run-ons, but often come across as overcrowded.
I did say that your work does not drown you in information; however, I think that it would be better if you saved some of the extra information for your actual story. For example, consider this sentence: "But, when a female is born, she has a direct link to the Mother." Is this something that the reader needs to know? Or is it something that will entice the reader to read the story?
As I said, any unnecessary information could be saved for the book. So don't forget that this is still just a prologue.
I couldn't help noticing that when you were explaining the situation, you focused mostly on the "Mother", and her "offspring". You didn't say anything about John other than putting a little insight into his personality.
So, overall, I think you did a good job. You put the dire situation across very well, just maybe a little too well for a prologue. Just polish the work up a little and maybe omit some of the information to save it for later.
Keep writing, and let me know when your put your first chapter up!
Cheers!
Hey MrJenius.
Let's start with the nitpicks. Legend mentioned two below but I have a couple more: "...bodies of five men and one women" shouldn't that be one woman? "But, back to the figure in black." You probably don't need the comma. There are a couple more but I trust you to be able to find them. Now to the good bit! I loved the story and I found it to be very interesting. I found the ending to be lacking but I hope to know more about the story so please continue.
Good job. Keep writing.
Hi legend here. I like the story it's really interesting. The first error that I saw was "His went by the name John". Shouldn't it be " He went by the name John" ? Also you made a mistake in" making her life and comfortable as possible". It should be as comfortable as possible. I would recommend ending in a more exciting way but I don't know because I did that once also. I hope I don't sound mean.
POSITIVES:
I love the description of the Mother.
" Piercing eyes that seemed to look right into your soul."
I am really interested in finding out the reason why John is determined to kill these creatures if there is a reason. I am also looking forward to knowing what type of creatures they are. Aliens,monsters? I hope you keep writing your story!