Published April 15, 2012
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,491 Literary Works • 673,250 Reviews
Hi, MrAwesomeSauce! Isha popping in for a review. :3
But, on the other hand, there were places where it was stronger than others.
), and I THINK it was because of your rhyme scheme (it's my personal opinion that poetry is always better when it doesn't rhyme, as it opens up many, many more possibilities and there's a smaller chance that the writer will turn to throwing in cliche, overused lines just for the sake of making one of those precious rhymes, but I'm not going to get too deep into that).
First and foremost, I'd like to talk to you about the emotion in the piece. This is something that struck me head-on in a few stanzas, especially the first stanza, and in places, it actually made me almost want to cringe inwardly. I almost feel sorry for whoever the narrator's talking to/about here.
A few of the lines here sounded just a little... amateur (however, not very many YWSers are professional poetry writers... well, none of us are, I guess, so don't take that to heart
The part that bothered me most was your stanza. Last stanzas (and first stanzas) are usually what I like to see as being the STRONGEST stanzas. Here, your first was excellent, and your last... well, your last was my very least favorite in the entire piece. It sounded more like a little kid telling off his or her first crush for not giving him a lollipop, or cutting in line or pushing him off a swing, than anything else. I'll show you why:
You see those words that I bolded? Well, it seems (to me) that you just got sick of writing the poem, and because of this, you wanted a quick way out. You chose the easiest-to-rhyme words you could that fit (and granted, they do fit, they're just not all that great a choice) with the theme of the poem and plunked them down. This last stanza is what stood out to me most when I said that some of it just sounds childish. In poetry, a last stanza is supposed to be as strong as you can make it. It ties up the entire poem, and it should have the ability to reach out and grab the reader by the throat and say, "HEY! I'm a really fantastic last line!" This... didn't do that for me. At all. It sounds, as I said before, amateur.
It's just something I'd look at revising, if you ever want to go through and edit the poem.
Overall, though, decent work. :3 I still LOVE the first line, and if you can make the last line as strong as that, as well as tweak a few more weak rhymes and rhythm flunks throughout the poem, you've got yourself a dandy.
Peace out and keep writing!
~~Ish
This is cool! What inspired you? Well, it's nice my negative comments is not so negative, just some of the lines are... out of place but everything is good. It looks like it's truly from the heart so yeah, this is nice. :3