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16+ Language Violence Mature Content

A Wantasy Adventure ~ CHP. 2 (Editing #1)

by MotherVirgo


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Chapter Two

As the capsule races, deeper into the crust of Wantasy, the area begins to change gradually. A visible energy, bright, golden, and shimmery, twirls and twinkles upon the rocky walls, and it appears as though nothing this far down is wet or damp. The only sound that can be heard is the sound of the capsule’s purring, the screaming of the flares, and system whirring. Somehow, there is a linear line straight down, and not one creature has appeared. It still has an ominous darkness down this far, but the only thing eerier than the darkness itself is the silence behind it. The energy has a sweet smell, uncommon, and is not seen any higher than where it is now.

Thoresis remained sleep within the capsule. The gases inside of it are created and manipulated to not only induce illusions, but they are also known to slow down age, and even teach. These same gases have the ability to also construct and enhance Thoresis’s cells to strengthen her body and to build muscle for when she awakens. Seven days after the capsule had left Elizabeth and Deltis, another explosion even more frightening than the one before bounces throughout the cave, causing the rocky walls to concuss around the capsule. This capsule has the ability to maneuver itself, and use magic to an extent.

As the speedy capsule continues to rush deeper into the crust of Wantasy, rock and dirt from the roof and walls of the cave begin to collapse behind it, chasing the capsule attempting to engulf it. The capsule is fast, but this sudden barrage behind the capsule is too. The earlier explosion still can be heard, and it seems to be expanding fairly quickly as if it’s growing. The capsule absorbs energy as it moves, to keep its fuel at a maximum level.

Thoresis’s body is protected by latches wrapping over her so that if the capsule makes a sharp jerk, she will not get thrown around like a ragdoll. The capsule digs its way further into the cave, by abruptly making a sharp vertical turn down into the ground. Thanks to a tenacious magical material, magic chemistry, and magic alchemy, the capsule is a lot stronger than some may actually ponder, thus allowing itself to cut through rock like butter with a hot knife. The barrage stops chasing the capsule a while after the sudden turn in direction, but the explosion appears to be closer to the capsule at every second.

“Alert, alert! Now performing emergency evacuation procedure!” In the blink of an eye, the capsule’s blood red flames fade and reappear as rainbow flare-like-flames causing the capsule to move at the speed of light. The capsule begins to glow, and it everything else appears dark as if nothing is there. It then breaks free from the clutches of this explosion and forces itself billions of kilometers deeper. Successfully, yet barely, the capsule manages to escape the explosion at the beginning of the mantle layer of Wantasy.

As soon as the capsule reaches this level, it slows itself down by coating itself in a motion manipulation magic energy field. Once it eventually slows down somewhere at the start of the second layer of the planet, it begins to scan the area for a place to rest. This specific capsule is programmed by a comrade of Elizabeth to be able to scan at a radius of one hundred Earths' to find a safe place on Wantasy’s crust to land. The crust in Wantasy almost appeared hollow, except for the various mountains of rock, streams of energy, and diverse amounts of material, uncommon in or on the crust.

It doesn’t have a smell down in this layer, and it seems as though the waterfall noises have come back. It is also a lot hotter down here. In this area, the capsule drones, shining its enchanted, pulsing lights in a 360-degree rotation, in case any creatures became curious of the capsule. This will prevent any dark entities from making any sudden moves. The capsule gently hovers over toward a smooth rocky surface and lands there, beginning its scanning process for a place safe upon the crust of Wantasy. Knowing the underground creatures that could be hiding, it guarantees futile for Thoresis to live long underground without any real survival skills.

For at least five W. years the capsule has scanned and searched for an area to locate and inhabit while being inside of the mantle. The capsule had terrible luck, but that changes, of course. With two beeps and a whirring noise, the capsule then spoke.

“Alert, alert! Safe haven scanning objective is complete! Capsule 1X00X has successfully located a safe haven within the Gaia forestress! Departure shall begin briefly!” About five minutes after 1X00X spoke, it begins to make droning noises and repetitive beeping.

“Warning! Anything in the way of this departure shall and will be injured, or terminated. You have been advised to remove yourself from said vicinity of this capsule! Departure will begin in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…” Almost instantly after, 1X00X’s exhaust nozzle began to flicker.

“Alert, alert! Now beginning hyper underground departure sequence!” The rainbow flames from five years ago surge out almost like a stream of water and roars, causing the capsule to withdraw itself almost immediately from the mantle vertically.

“Now transitioning into hyper-primitive departure exhaust”, 1X00X spews as it rushes through the crust. The flames that were once rainbow colors are now clear, but sparkling somehow, and the capsule seems to be covered in wind. Within ten seconds 1X00X erupts from the crust and appears into the air millions of feet high. Thoresis can survive this speed thanks to capsule taking most of the motion change’s damage. Within one sharp turn horizontally, 1X00X flew in the western direction, aiming to find a forest by the name of Gaia. After about two hours, it begins to get dark, and 1X00X begins to lag.

“Error, error! 1…1X00X..errr. Error! Fuel is low! I repeat errr…fuel is low! 1X00X will soon shut down!”

MEANWHILE…

Two creatures somewhere in the Gaia Forestress converse from a distance.

“It’s really been five W. years since the two-hundredth Wantasy war has happened; can you believe we’re still alive”, says an Elven female enthusiastically.

“Right? I mean, I didn’t get to see that mega blue explosion, but I felt it for sure!”, reports a Púca, genuinely.

“Wait, you didn’t see it, it was huge!” “Well, so is our planet…” “But…. well…touché.”

The female Elf and a genderless [1]Púca are conversing in Gaiasa, as a Treant named Break walks past them, slowly. When they stop at “Touché”, they notice him and wave. He waves back, however, his face appears loss of guidance. Break wanders in Selbi, a small marketplace, and a library, in search of four Hashi seeds. He has been sent here by the grand guardian of Gaia; Medongra. Break has never heard of or has ever seen Hashi seeds until he has met Medongra. A Hashi seed is an abnormally large seed that resembles a giant egg. It has unique features and materials that are used constantly for upgrading and improvement.

The Gaia Forestress is about the size of earth, and yet it only appears to look like a tall, giant, forest. It is called the Forestress because it is a very protected, ancient forest. This forest doesn’t have a large outer disturbance and continues to fight to keep it that way. It doesn’t always appear to look any different than a typical forest, but the creatures and plant life in Gaia aren’t very common.

“Hashi seeds…they should be close by”, Break mumbles to himself in Gaiasa, his native tongue. Break wanders for a few hours, walking in circles. He isn’t lost but rather confused. Break doesn’t appear to look like an actual tree, but more humanoid. His eyes are like glowing ember, and they fade into various colors based on his emotions. He is confused, so they, of course, are yellow. Break stands at about eight feet tall, as mossy vine like branches upon his body intertwine with the wood-like skin. As Break continues onto the path out of Selbi, he comes across a twenty-meter-high, and twenty-meter-wide tree hollow called Opium, by Elven scientists, due to its sweet, addictive, trance-inducing fragrance.

This tree is used like a small storage, so Break, out of curiosity decides to scout the storage in case he may find a Hashi seed or more. Small to them, is huge to us, so Opium would have the similarities of a maze, but with bookshelves. “Hm…” When he walks into Opium, he discovers rubble not much further from the entrance. When he sees the rubble, he gazes above himself to detect a giant hole in the roof of the tree. The rubble appears to be illuminated dirt, leaves, and wood coated with embers and ash. With a snap of his fingers, a gush of air blew the debris away, leaving something unusual behind. “…A…A capsule”, he mumbles to himself in shock.

meantime…

Thoresis has been inside of her own head for five W. years and twenty-one W. months being educated by an illusion, created from the gases in 1X00X for what must felt like a couple thousand years. The name of this illusion is [2]Oberghuim.

“Ober; Ober”, Thoresis yells running through a vast emerald green, grass field, surrounded by kaleidoscopic woodland, toward a wide body of cerulean water with tremendous allurement. Oberghuim relaxes cross-legged on the green sumptuous grassland next to the lake and meditates. Thoresis, as she runs, appears as a beautiful woman near the age of twenty, wearing a full amber bodysuit. Her radiant blonde hair with Lucent white highlights dances behind her. Her eyes still hold their shimmer.

“Ober, why aren’t you answering my question? What do you mean our time is almost up”, says Thoresis as she runs towards him. Her voice holds an exasperated tone, and her eyes show discomfort. Oberghuim did not answer her. When she catches up to him, she tackles him to the floor.

“Oof”, came from Oberghuim. When Thoresis pushes herself up over him, she sighs.

“Tell me! What does that mean?” He continues to meditate as if she weren’t there. She bares her teeth and glares into his closed eyes.

“I want an answer!” He fades away once she blinks, and reappears behind her elevated. “You mustn’t force an answer from your allies”, Oberghuim utters with an echo, his eyes still closed, and his hands covered by his connected sleeves. When Thoresis leaps off of the grass and spins around, Oberghuim appears to be standing at the very tip, upon the thinnest tree branch within the tallest trees surrounding him.

“Thoresis, I declare our time is almost up, as in you will eventually awaken from your slumber, and I will cease to exist.” Oberghuim appears as a figure hidden in the darkness of a huge, but decent Auburn traveler’s cloak. His voice holds a wisdom behind it, which made him seem intelligent and mysterious. The whole time Thoresis has been in this dream-like-land she has never seen Oberghuim outside of that cloak.

Thoresis sighs. She knows that Oberghuim is an illusion created by the gases in the capsule she resides in, and she knows that she will have side-effects from the gases as well. These side effects include memory loss, sudden streams of knowledge, weakness, anxiety, shock, muscle memory reaction, and height and mind difference.

“So…I’m where right now”, she asks him after a small pause. She now stands in front of the tree he hopped into, and sighs. “You will always exist to me...”, she kept to herself. He smiles. “The Gaia Forestress and a Treant has discovered 1X00X…” Her eyes widen. “W-What…?”

[1] Púca: (Phooka) An uncommon creature considered to be bringers of both good and bad fortune, they could either help or hinder rural and marine communities. The Púca can have dark or staunch white fur or hair and can shift shapes to further fit its environment. They are notably seen in forests and usually take a gremlin-like appearance if unbothered.

[2] Oberghuim: Oab-err-goo-him


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Sun Jul 30, 2017 8:53 am
LeutnantSchweinehund wrote a review...



I'll try to stick around for the whole novel and help you out, since I really think that if you fix the glaring issues, it might be something. I'm sorry about the review you're about to read. It's harsh, and damn harsh at that. But, remember, it's the harshest, most honest reviews which will lead you to success. Reviews of the "it was flawless, I loved it" sense are downright useless. Ignore them. There are many nitpicks, but I critiqued what I deemed most important.

You underestimate the attention span of your reader. You don't need to clarify that the capsule is inside the mantle three times. Just say it once, it's honestly enough. Believe me, readers are capable of remembering this information. This applies to any information.

You mention that a barricade stops chasing the capsule. You didn't seem to previously mention any barricade.

I'm not sure if you meant for this, but if you did, it's really cool and I commend you for it. You mention the capsule moving near the speed of light. Well, knowing the basic principle of special relativity, that slows down time for you. You legitimately age slower that way. So is that an explanation for the sudden time jump five years ahead? That'd actually be really interesting if so.

"shining its pulsing lights into any unwanted creatures’ area lurking this far underground."
I don't get this line. Do you mean "shining its pulsing lights into the lairs of any creatures which may be lurking this far underground." As in, the capsule scanned any area where deep-lurking creatures might live?

"It guarantees futile," now I'm really confused. Futile = pointless/lost. "The effort is futile," or "the effort is pointless." So it guarantees futile what? It's an adjective, and you don't mention what it guarantees to be futile.

I don't get why the exhausts are hyper-primitive. They seem pretty advanced to me. Then you mention the sharp turn in the upper atmosphere. Poor Thoresis is gonna get her bones crushed by immense G-forces from such a sudden deceleration, but it's fantasy, so it doesn't matter.

You have a bad habit of disconnecting the reader from your story. With plain, inorganic exposition, the reader can't really be immersed. I will say that exposition in this chapter is far better than it was in the last, but it's still woefully lacking. I recommend you read and analyze some good literary works. Look at how the titans write, follow their methods. It speeds up learning.

If I were you, I'd stop with the "W. years" thing. I mean, look, would anyone living on Wantasy say "Wantasy years?" Why would they? They know no other type of year. We don't call our years "Earth Years." It's another thing which just breaks immersion. It's more of a nitpick, but all these small things add up.

The dialogue isn't actually that bad, but it is disorganized. Make line breaks with dialogue. Makes it nicer to read. Also, the history of treants really is unnecessary. I'd cut it out and describe them on the go. What you wrote is, again, plain exposition. In most cases, you want to avoid it.

And now we come to something I'm really, really not a fan of. You can't take a character from another story and add it to your own unless it's specifically a GotG fanfic. If this is the same Groot, the treant from Guardians of the Galaxy, I don't think he should be here. It's like having an elf scholar named "Elrond" in your story.

A point on apostrophes. "Scientists'" is possessive form. Something that belongs to the scientists. Scientists is plural of scientist. Same with most other nouns. Dog, dogs (plural), dog's (possessive), dogs' (possessive plural).

Thoresis appears as a 20-year-old, yes? But isn't she like, six years old? Why does she look older?

You describe the wrong things far too much, and fail to explain far more important things. World building is difficult, but you can't do it cheaply with plain exposition. If you look at Lord of the Rings, for instance, you'll notice that much of the information comes gradually. The reader is organically eased into the story.

I know you'll likely ignore most of the advice I've given. It's alright, I get that it's disappointing to get mostly poor reviews, but it's the path to success! You can't brute force it. Skill comes with time, and with poor reviews.

Good luck, my friend. I'll be here to review chapter 3. If you need consulting, I may be of some assistance.




MotherVirgo says...


- I deleted the two other Mantel things, and will edit it.

- I did mention the barricade; it was the walls that began to concuss around the capsule once the final explosion sounded.

- Actually, you are right! Time has slowed down, especially for Thoresis. Her body would have grown at an exponential rate if it weren't for the speed of the capsule, however, it was created to slow that exact problem. It slowed down time for her, and even five years time on itself.

- I'll edit the light/creature thing. I meant for it to come off as if the capsule was shining a light into the darkness around itself to make sure no creatures lurked nearby.

- I did state what gauruntees futile: "Knowing the underground creatures that could be hiding, it guarantees futile for Thoresis to live long underground without any real survival skills." This literally explains that.

- Thoresis's body was enhanced by the gases, to prevent the capsules jerks and turns to do ANYTHING, however, we don't even know if she's even human. Honestly, with what she's been given...we're not sure whether she'd be damaged for long, IF it DID damage her. I can see why you'd nitpick this, but certain nitpicks like this are simply because of the unknown.

- Ok, BUT I have no idea what you're talking about as far as my exposition. Please further explain.

-Actually, humans on Wantasy refer to years on Wantasy as earth years, BUT for the sake of the nitpickers, I'll revise that part in the story.

- Help me; what is this "disorganized" you speak of? I'm not sure how I'd "Organize" it.

- Thoresis has lived a lot longer than one would know. She has 3000 years more knowledge us and a basic Wantasian, thus causing her to age at least mentally. Though I claim this, she would have aged way faster if it weren't for the capsule so...My point is she is older, but her physical body is not. (Should I add this into the story in a more simplified manner?)

-I couldn't read the Lord of the Rings. I guess you'd have to tell me what's worth talking about, cause I'm not quite sure.

- Thank you. I don't mind poor reviews because I am not taking this seriously. Again, I do not plan on becoming an Author. I am simply telling everyone a story.



MotherVirgo says...


-earth years, *Wantasy years~





Well, you managed to justify most of my nitpicks. All good there.

With the futile thing. Let me explain. "Futile" is an adjective. It's a trait of a noun. For example, "futile journey," meaning "pointless/hopeless journey." You say that the capsule guarantees futile, but what is it that is guaranteed to be futile?

As for exposition. Yes, that's a tough one. See, when you, as the narrator, plainly tell the story, background and world-building information, it can disillusion the reader and break immersion. Exposition through dialogue, like you did for a while, is actually a good thing. You tell of events that happened in the world via dialogue, or organically through your descriptions. If you just tell the reader outright, however, it can seem like reading a script, if you get what I mean.

You really should give LotR a read. Honestly, it's great for story writers. After all, Tolkien created one of the grandest, most well-known stories out there, so it's no wonder that he set a sort of norm. If you read and lightly analyze his work, I guarantee you'll be a better writer and storyteller instantly. You won't be great, but reading helps a great deal, believe me.

Author or not, it's still nice to have good quality stories. I won't publish a book either, it's just not worth the effort. I also write for the sake of it. Even then, it's good when you can feel confident in your abilities.

Good luck! I'll be here for another review when chapter 3 hits the Green Room!



MotherVirgo says...


Exposition; If I explain things the way I'd want to it would just go on the other side of the spectrum. >_<



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Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:39 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!

First of all, what is a Wantasy? I am super confused just by the title of this. I'm pretty sure you didn't mean 'Fantasy' either seeing as the first chapter is titled this as well. Oh well! Guess that doesn't matter much in the grand scheme of things. With that being said, let's delve right in by saying that I'm strongly against the dialogue.

I'm not usually turned off by this element in novels or at least, not to this length. This combines all the parts that I find distracting in dialogue--all caps to signify a particular emotion or anger, excessive ellipses and the usage of exclamation marks more than once or twice in a single chapter. I haven't explained why I dislike all of these, but I will.

These are all aesthetic-based and make the dialogue feel immature or unprofessional. I say this because usually when someone uses these, they're not capable of showing emotion through their own words. For example, instead of hitting the caps lock button when someone is being loud or even just excited, use words to show that they're excited. At least, that should come first if you're going to be doing that, though I'd prefer to see that left out. The caps are distracting to the reader.

Furthermore and to give another example, the same goes for exclamation points. You don't need to use that many. You're able to get your point across with two or three in a chapter, not ten or eleven. Use words to show emotion first. Grammar errors flood this as well. I suggest using a grammar checker and/or learning how to proofread. Both are useful and both can catch each other's mistakes. Just wanted to mention that. I'm not all that captivated by this chapter unfortunately.

Wantasy...is a planet? Not what I figured for Wantasy to mean. The pacing here shifts back and forth. The first chapter is rather fast-paced and attempts to punch the reader in the face with excitement and while this attempts to do the same, my interest isn't kept. I know too little about this world to care about what's going on. There's a lot of questions that I have regarding worldbuilding that haven't been answered yet. There's too much being introduced for me to even care. There's an info-dump on the war and a whole paragraph dedicated to what Treants are.

Readers are intelligent--not everything needs to be spelled out for them. At the same time, the information is still (seemingly) necessary to the story, so instead of info-dumping, spinkle this throughout and use context clues. We don't need more than Theorsis, Deltis, and Elizabeth. Take more time on developing them and their situation before cutting off into another perspective. This is rushed--grap the reader while slowing down to develop and flesh out this and your first chapter.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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MotherVirgo says...


Thank you for your input. It felt more negative than positive, but that's life right? When life gives you lemons, squirt em in your wounds. Hey, thanks. I get that I am a terrible author. One day I'll go insane, and then I'll make a masterpiece. Much love~ ^^



Kaylaa says...


Sorry if the review came off harshly! Didn't intend for it to be that way. I forgot to mention this in my review--your cliffhangers are on-point! That's what I want to see more of from you because they show me you do have potential. They're well-placed and build tension, hooking the reader in. More of that tone and execution are what I'd like to see! c:

Thanks for responding!



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Sat Jul 29, 2017 11:03 am
RavenBlack wrote a review...



Hey raven black here!

I'll review this as I go xD

-This is probably because I haven't read the first chapter but I'm very confused to what this capsule is because it sounds like it can move itself: 'speedy capsule'.

- This is a bit picky but do you mean ' the capsule is a lot stronger than one *many* actually know'

-I think you should separate the dialogue from the rest of the paragraph, one it looks more appealing and two it doesn't confuses the reader to who saying what because I have no clue who's saying it.

-I like the description of the flames being 'blood red' it illustrates a sense of danger and fear.

- This confuses me:'In the blink of an eye, the capsule’s blood red flames grow and reappears as a rainbow flare-like-flame..' I can't envision this clear, i think the problem is that the description doesn't flow for me.

You describe the flames as blood red then as a rainbow like flame, it doesn't fit or keep the image you illustrated before, it has to be one or the other. Also the flame disappearing than reappearing also confused me as this wasn't explained properly.

- All this science is making me have flashbacks of my biology class (I hated biology T_T) By any chance have you heard the 'Layers of the Earth' song, my teacher played that countless times xD It's actually low key lit.

- Why is this line on its own? 'Thoresis to live long underground without any real survival skills.'

- This line 'WILL BE INJURED, OR EVEN KILLED.' doesn't fit the robotic nature of the capsule in my opinion, I think it should be edited as '..WILL BE TERMINATED' it sounds threatening to me.

- The dialogue after 'MEANWHILE..." is written wrong, the speech needs to be separated to show a new character speaking and there at least should be a description of how said person has spoken the dialogue.

- I feel like this isn't a story but a non fiction piece. Sorry to be harsh but most of the time your telling me things rather than describing the world around you or what people look like, or how they feel. And the speech is very confusing as I said previously. All of this makes it hard for me to engage in your chapter. i think if you worked on description more it'll be much better.

Keep Writing xD




MotherVirgo says...


Hi, I just have a few questions for your review. So, what I'd like to know is:

1. Do capsules usually move themselves? Probs not; This capsule, however, CAN move its self because it is programmed to do so. (Thanks for the clear up, but take you gut instinct.)

2. I was told that 'One' means many, but whose to say that 'many' actually knows? Whose to say that this capsule is not one of a kind?

3. Thank you for the compliment; so you earned a date! ;) (JK XD)

4. I will re-edit the chapter. Instead of blinking flame to flame, picture a fire that fades from a color into many. That's basically what's going to happen next.

5. Sorry, I wanted a tad bit of realism and understanding about Wantasy as far as the planet.

6. That line error was a mistake. Thx, I'll fix it asap.

7. How is one suppose to "Separate". I am not an author. I just made a story because I can't draw. One thing I can't do for something I wish I could do, ya know?

8. It's ok, I will probably not keep writing...oh wait, what's that? Another CHAPTER?! That's right; I have another chapter, and don't you worry, my dear. You haven't even gotten that far. The two chapters you read can be fit onto six pages. That's not even really a chapter in an actual book. Thus, this won't be the case sooner or later.

FINAL: Reread the chapter and please read chapter one; much love! ~ <3

(PS: Thanks for the view. ^///^ Seems you were interested~)




It's all a matter of perspective. Everyone is the hero of their own story, and the villain of another's.
— James