The moon was a silver dollar,
Leaves turned on themselves like a feverish wheel
A lonely tree stands,
Bleached and faded like an old photograph
The stream is fire,
Crackling and sparking in the moonlight
I was surrounded by a sea of no sound,
The shrubs the color of stones and ink
My eyes were helpless,
Hating the waiting silence of the field
The wind was a ghost,
It carried a sickly sweet scent as it flew away
Snow started falling in tons and avalanches,
Weighing against me
It sighed and squeaked under my shoes,
As my mind tried to find itself
My fingers burned as if touched by light,
The darkness screaming towards me
A flickering entity waving me forward,
Sharp teeth smirking as I trudged forward
It was then I noticed them,
Threads so thin my hand passed through
A tearing of mountains,
Darkness scattering like leaves before a storm
The threads—the rays of light,
The darkness torn
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
yea! you really have a style. great work.
Thank you very much. :3
This poem flows angelically.
I loved the language, the rhythm and it's somber nature. This is the best piece of writing I have read all day, so thank you.
You truly captured darkness exquisitely. You tampered with it on multiple levels, as if it has many different shades. It was brilliant how you suggested that there could be a kind of darkness associated with every human scent. E.g "my eyes were helpless". In doing this you efficiently highlighted the pain of darkness and how it can, as you say tear us apart.
Awesome job, you genius.
Thank you for your awesome review! It made my day.
I love how this flows! there are a few wording changes I would make just to help it flow even better. Maybe switch from past tense to present tense i think that would help it flow even better than it does now. This opinion I am torn on, for i feel its great as it is. But in some places i feel as though it would benefit from present tense.
Another part i feel could be reworded is the:
"My fingers burned as if touched by light,"
maybe change it to:
" My fingers burned as though touched by light,"
I also notice that you switch from past tense to present with the "A tearing of mountains,"
and try as I cannot think of another way to word this to keep the flow which I feel reinforces my thoughts of switching to present tense.
Thank you! I've always had problems with keeping the tense consistent...thank you for bringing the to light! :3
Though this poem didn't rhyme, it flowed very well in this piece, it surely did. The imagery of the nighttime is brilliant. I could see it right in front of me ask I read on the computer screen. If I do have one change to make, it's right below:
I would change "of no sound" to "without sound"
I can't wait to read more.
Thank you very much! I hope to publish again soon...