Published July 24, 2010
Her life blood flowing into the current...
A wound so grievous we can only watch...
...and wait
We swore we wouldn't go this far
We swore to keep ourselves under control
We swore to always remember her gift to us
Well...
We didn't!
We've tried to suture the breach
-it continues to flow
-tried to alert the others
But the more corrupt among us
Wish to sweep this under the rug
What is she thinking right now? Watching us watching her die....
The wickedest among us actually smiling as she dies,
Can her unconditional love triumph over the vast black wrath she feels?
As she lapses out of this reality will she forgive us?
Or with the last ounce of her strength rise,
And sweep us away with her viscous flow
Gaia, forgive us
--CT10--L2SWIM
Critique, discussion, welcome. Not my best work, but it helps remind me whats going on right now...
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140,607 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hey Mortivore,
Biggest criticism I've got for you here is format. It's just all over the place. there seems to have been little thought for how you might structure this so the reader knows what's going on.
I'm not sure why lots of people seem to think repetition of lines in poetry is a good idea, but I've seen it a lot, and it rarely works. The "We swore" bit is tiresome and preachy.
This sort of oscillates half-way between a poetry attempt and an enviromental fact-sheet and gets caught in limbo. It's not sure what it wants to be. The bullet points are the most outrageous bit.
Nonetheless it's a challenging subject and I'm glad you tried to take it on. Next time, though, try and come across less vague, less messy, and less fact-file, and try and bring something fresh to the table.
Thank you all for the constructive criticism, I tried to stray from my normal style and I can see that it needs work
Side Note: I'm not anywhere close to an environmentalist and I do think that anyone who thinks we are capable of destroying this planet grossly overestimates our effect on this world.
Hey Mortivore!
What do you mean "not my best work"? I thought this was fantastic! I really loved this poem. I must say that this is one of my most favourite poems that I've read and it is an honor to review it especially as it is Reviewing Day! The good thing about this poem is that it had a different idea/storyline to it than other poems I have written/read. I like originality! Moving on from that, it flowed quite well with excellent choice of words (I see that you have great knowledge with words or that you know how to use a thesaurus which is always good to see).
If I had to offer any type of criticism, it would be about how some words/sentences I didn't quite understand because some words, I felt, were a bit to sophisticated for this poem. Maybe changing some words here and there could fix this issue. Other than that, excellent piece! HAPPY REVIEWING DAY!
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
Hey Mortivore.
I found this poem pretty cliche, to be honest, and with little in the way of interesting imagery or original message.
From the very start, "Her life blood" turned me off. It's such a common phrase, and doesn't grab at my attention the way a first line should. The ellipses at the end of each line in the first stanza do not help either; they give it a very rough, unfinished look. If you have something to say, say it. If you don't, then don't. Don't leave us hanging and trailing off for no reason.
The mixing of metaphors at "We've tried to suture the breach" also threw me off. "Suture" is a word usually used for flesh wounds, while "breach" makes me think of a gap, a hole in the ground: you fill a breach, you don't suture it shut.
Reads very, very awkwardly. Try to rework it so it comes out smoother.
Those are the main problems, but I also think flow and punctuation could be reworked. There are several places where the reading doesn't come easily, or where the rhythm is off, which detracts from the reading experience.
Lots of work to do if you want to salvage this. It's doable, but I'd suggest just starting over. Try giving a unique spin/view on things, instead of a worn exhortation that has little to no effects on anyone anymore.
Hope this helps.
So, first of all, good way to get your feelings across. Interesting topic. But I think your piece is a bit melodramatic. The earth will survive, we are just killing ourselves. But hey, that's just my first impression
Now for the writing.
Now, I think I understand what you are trying to do with this, but I think it goes a bit too far. I think you get get rid of the "Well..."
"We didn't!"
The first two parts I would just modify a bit to...make it less dramatic.
The next half is better, it flows more. I still just thing its being a bit overly dramatic.
"Can her unconditional love triumph over the vast black wrath she feels?"
Good start, hope I wasn't too harsh. Keep it up.
-Isaac