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for dead musicians

by Morrigan


all your friends are dead, eddie vedder.
heroin sun has come and gone;
track marks on a cloudless sky,
a shot to the arm and to the head.

all your friends are dead, eddie vedder.
was all that time spent wasted
consumed too fast by grunge and shadow,
is the reaper standing over you, too?

you can only channel sadness for so long.
you can only channel sadness for so long.
you can only channel sadness for so long.

he's dancing forever in hollywood,
palm trees and ramones and mausoleums
the pools and swans make you stop and think too much.
all your friends are dead, eddie vedder. 


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Thu Jun 15, 2017 4:34 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

I can't believe that this is still in the Green Room. I mean, I kind of can because this is a lovely work and no one wants to review it because of that, though this deserves reviews! And that is why I'm here to review this. To answer your question earlier, I also thought it to be lyrical and that's how I took it for the most part. I know that Eddie Vedder is a member of Pearl Jam and this poem seems to based off the fact that most of his personal friends have died, which is a reasonable topic to base a poem off of. As a poem, I found this to be more...Cat in the Hat-esque is the best way I can put it right now.

I'm not saying that it's not a poem without a serious subject matter, that's just me trying to find the right metaphor for this poem. It's more lyrical--there. I especially enjoy the touch of the poem beginning and ending with the line 'all your friends are dead, eddie vedder' which only adds to this tone that you've already built. As Biscuits mentioned, I could definitely see this as a grunge song, so keep practicing on those guitar skills so you can make this happen!

What I'm not a large fan of is that the first line of the first stanza is repeated into the first line of the second stanza, and for me that ruins the symmetry that's going with the first and last lines, though that's more of a personal preference more than anything else. The main reason why I think people decided to put off reviewing this is because of the quality and/or they don't know how, honestly.

It's a poem that's a little hard to tackle without context which kind of goes along with attempting to review a fanfiction without having any context or knowledge upon some basic details. Just an example, though I thought this was wonderful! Generally, I think this could pass as lyrics though and that's what I enjoy more thinking of this as.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image




Morrigan says...


Thank you very much. You gave me good insight, and I will edit accordingly ^_^



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Sun Jun 11, 2017 2:33 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Well, ouch. Also, welcome to my attempt to review a poem that I read and like, which I'm normally too nervous to do. Let's see how this goes.

I am fairly proud of myself for remembering that Eddie Vedder was the guy from Pearl Jam, but I think it's pretty likely that not everyone would know that. I also had no idea of the connection between him and Chris Cornell, though I was able to deduce it from the poem pretty well. Still, it's worth considering slipping in a few words of context here and there. It seems that Vedder referred to Cornell as his 'Big brother'. That's just two words that would establish the relationship and make the pain clear to the reader.

Your subtle imagery and word choice is fantastic. "heroin sun" makes it sound like a heyday that has passed, while also slipping in what it was that took him. Sort of like the pun "glory daze". The subtlety here was very good, because it meant you could explain the context but be able to spend more time on how Vedder must be feeling.

Speaking of which, dear christ that hurt. I want to try and go into the specifics of that but I might just end up going gahhhh. The idea of the reaper was really helpful because it just gave a quick injection (I apologise profusely for that unintentional pun but it was the best way of describing it) of fear in the midst of the sorrow, which gives it really high impact because it's so sudden. This is reinforced well with "make you stop and think too much" to give a lasting reaction of a haunted man. Additionally, "mausoleums" in one word gives the impression that these people are extremely important, or alternatively that they're in the vault of a collective rock 'n' roll family, which is a really interesting idea to slip in.

I'm really sorry this has had so few ideas for changes, like I said, I read it and enjoyed it. I've just tried to point out what I think went well specifically so you can continue to apply this in the future.

The one other thing I can think of that could be different is that this could just straight up be a lyric, with information about what it sounds like. I'm hearing it very grunge-y at the moment, just thematically, with the "eddie vedder"s whispered, but would be interested to know what that would sound like in your head.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Tue May 30, 2017 9:47 pm
writtenanxiiety says...



Lovely wording, beautiful.





Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
— Voltaire