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Lucky 13

by Morrigan

i'm sorry that my heartbeat sounds like pennies echoing into a well.

fists are the only things that fill my pockets--
i had to call my mother to ask for money today
after apologizing that i forgot her birthday;

i'm wretched. my mystic friend tells me
that seeing 13.13.13 is an omen of wishes coming true. i saw it yesterday,
but i've been rolling snake eyes for as long as i remember.

but change comes. you're morning sun outside casino doors,
dancing past the roulette wheels and settling in my chest. i suppose
there's no reason now to spend my coins on slot machines,
on artificial lights, when you linger for me there;

i have nothing to give you but a heart full of pocket change;
you could pick it up off the ground, but you pierce through clouds
to shine on me-- in the shadows you cast there's a lucky 13.

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49 Reviews

Points: 155
Reviews: 49

Mon Jun 17, 2019 6:52 pm
Pernicus wrote a review...

hello, reviewing this.
thematically, this poem resonates with me. i find the tone it builds to be very cathartic. it starts off how many of my favourite poems do, apologetic and confessional. it ends with a nice metaphor for hope, or redemption. the sun, the light at the end of the tunnel, piercing the clouds.

it manages to paint a grim picture, but turns that into hope for change. despite a kind of resignation to the defeats of today, it aspires to hope for tomorrow. the use of “you” towards the end is a nice touch, and carries forward the confessional thread from the beginning. second person always draws the reader in a bit more, and implying them in the work helps to create that emotional involvement and builds the immersion. plus it gives the poem a kind of romantic or affectionate sense when the hope is personified. this also ties in with the references to mystics and omens, as love often feels prophetic or like destiny.

the imagery of coins on the grotty floor of a casino, versus rays of light needling through the clouds, is a powerful visual juxtaposition. in general the use of a casino is a good metaphor for the addictive, deceptive, and self destructive cycles we are all prone to getting caught up in. and as always the light of the sky remains a poignant image.

while the first 4-5 lines do seem slightly disconnected from the rest of the poem at first, i think you essentially do a good enough job of making them tonally consistent with the narrative. we go from the claustrophobic darkness of wells, pockets, and casinos to the open brightness of the sky.

a few small things slightly took me out of the poem, firstly the use of today and birthday as the ending of lines three and four. the rhyme of day with day is a little harsh on the reading, and also brings up some small inconsistencies in the atmosphere of it all. the other images in the beginning all bring to mind darkness, so perhaps “today” could be changed to “tonight”. this would both get rid of the rhyme issue and give more power to the symbolic appearance of light later on, which could even be more directly be referenced as sunrise. this would also bring a sense of time progressing from night to day, which would strengthen the narrative in my opinion.

“but i've been rolling snake eyes for as long as i remember.
but change comes. you're morning sun outside casino doors,”

for these two lines, my only quibble is that the use of “but” to start two lines in a row is disruptive or maybe even a little redundant in my opinion. I feel if either one were removed, it would make the poem slightly stronger. overall, i really like this poem and will try to read and review more.

Morrigan says...

Hey Pernicus, thank you so much for this insightful and helpful review! I appreciate your thoughts!

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109 Reviews

Points: 11267
Reviews: 109

Mon Jun 10, 2019 12:02 pm
silvermoon17 wrote a review...

I’m not sure why 13 is seen as a bad omen. I mean, sure; it’s a bad number if you’re a Christian/Jew/.. (sorry if I missed any.. you guys are so so complicated) but it’s not like it’s the number of the devil or anything; I mean, even 666 is a Christian/Jew/.. belief, even for Satanists, 666 is just a random number. Some say it’s because Jesus died because the 13th of his fellows betrayed him, but.. let me tell you something.. nearly a decade passed before that *fact* was redacted. There’s no proof on that. For all we know, every religion might’ve just been a tale spun from lies and possession. Same for reversed pentagrams. The only real Satanist symbol is the Leviathan Cross, alright. Now, for the pacing of the poem; I think you’ve clearly not taken account on the pacing. You can’t write a paragraph of three lines, and hope it’ll sound good with one sentence. No. If you write a sentence, count the beat if you can’t do it; the next sentence should have the same number of beats. That’s why
“We grow with dreams as dreams fly by,
Because as all things do, they grow then die,”
Sounds better than
“Growing with dreams as they twist and turn in the furnace that is my mind, binding me, killing me, destroying me and all and all as they fly and fly and fly until I can’t see them anymore,
Shameful, to shine in the thirteenth core”
Clearly, in these two verses; you see a clear difference. Well, the pacing is not that important if you put rhymes; and I’d strongly advice that you put rhymes on the last sentences. It always strike someone harder when it rhymes; that’s a rule I’ve always followed.
Sorry to say, but the pacing and lack of rhymes pulled me out of the poem; until the words were but words thrown in all direction, with no designing in this poem. It felt more like reading a paragraph then a poem. At the end, I realized nothing of what I read had stricken me hard enough; and that I remembered nothing. Not a sentence, not a word. Except the 13 since it’s appearance brought revulsion.

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52 Reviews

Points: 30
Reviews: 52

Sat Jun 08, 2019 11:57 pm
ToxicAnglerFish wrote a review...

I find this to be an interesting poem and I do think it should be improved a little bit. The Poem has an odd flow to it like it doesn't rhyme but then does? It is sort of jarring to read without re-reading it again. Plus I don't understand the idea of it, is it supposed to be that its ironic cause 13 is an unlucky number so they don't spend their money? The idea isn't clear to me.

Morrigan says...

Heyo! Where are you seeing the rhyme? I didn't intend it to at all, so I'm a little lost!

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562 Reviews

Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Sat Jun 01, 2019 10:18 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a quick review for you on this lovely night, and to help get your work out the green room for you.

Okay let's start with the review.

So out of the whole poem, I only saw one very small thing that could easily be fixed.

but i've been rolling snake eyes for as long as i remember.

So there is nothing wring with what you have said here, but I think this will flow better if you put a can between I and remember.

Other than that this poem was really well written, and it has a lot of emotion in it, and I'm sure lot's of people can relate you it. To me this poem was about the hardships in my life, and about the way you deal with it. That was what came across for me. But to other people it could be different.

Another thing I really liked about this poem, was the story you were telling us, it had a beginning and an end, making it feel a lot more meaningful, and the emotion just made it a lot better.
I also think your punctuation was perfect. It was all in the right place, giving the poem the right flow, making it a lot more enjoyable to read.

I'm really glad I had the chance to come and read and review your work, your a very skilled writer, and I really look forward to seeing more of your works, and seeing what you will come up with next. So don't ever stop writing. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
Reviewing with a fiery passion.

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37 Reviews

Points: 300
Reviews: 37

Sat Jun 01, 2019 12:54 am
demoncat wrote a review...

I was kinda confused in the middle but like at the end it cleared up the rest. I do see that with alot of poems. I really enjoyed this poem though. Especially the ending. The whole poem was a happy sad. when it ends it leaves you with this happy feeling. But then you sit and think about it and it makes you sad. I'd say it's one of the better poems I have seen in my lifetime. It sure is alot better than anything I've ever written. Although my main topic is Gore... And horror. So it's hard to compare. But I do really love this poem it is really refreshing.

Morrigan says...

What made you confused about the middle? Asking so I can improve the piece!

demoncat says...

Well it was more of the middle end. I didn't exactly%u200B understand who the narrator was referring to. But it also left me thinking about it which any good work should do in my book. Also the fact that I don't know much about casino's might have contributed to my confusion. But I did really like this poem. Like other than that little part I have no other negative comments. Though I would hardly call this one negative. It was hard to review because I didn't have anything bad to say

Morrigan says...

I appreciate that. Thank you for clarifying, and thank you for your praise!

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
— Albus Dumbledore