Published December 21, 2004
Across the room, his eyes met hers - the joining of two lost souls, searching for someone to find them. It wasn’t a moment that stopped time around them. It wasn’t a moment that had resounding orchestral accompaniment. There were no fireworks. There was no parade.
That didn’t mean it couldn’t change his world.
In a spontaneous act of tremendous will and utter sacrilege, he broke away and glanced at the floor. It was too late - they had both seen what had been there, but only he was scared of what it meant. He had thought it was all long over; maybe she was right when she said that some flames never die - they just smolder.
He had no idea that such a small act could revive dying feelings, breathing into them a new life he'd almost forgotten. The scary part was knowing it would die again. It would never be a question of if, or maybe, but when. For some people, he'd seen an eternal bond that could never break. For them, the bond was more like a thin piece of paper, and time dropped grains of sand onto it with every passing day. They could replace the paper forever, but it would always break.
He watched helplessly as she got out of her seat and walked toward him. Each light step she took shook the floor. Each strand of hair she brushed out of her face caused a gale to blow by. She was shining like the moon and no one could see it.
No one but him.
She came and sat. And nothing more. In silence, they spoke more than any trifling words could ever say.
The roar inside him was deafening. It was the sound of all his broken pieces reforming into something new and then shattering once more into thousands of smaller shards. He knew she'd taken some of those pieces. He would never see them again, and that was all right - as right as it could be, anyway.
After a few years passed with the two sitting there, he saw her look at him, out of the corner of his eye. Even though he'd been filled with new life, somewhere inside, he felt a part of him die. He couldn’t turn to meet her lonely stare.
Instead, he got up and walked out of the room. He paced himself down the hallway. He made his way to the front door, stopping only long enough to resist the temptation to look back. And then, quietly, he left.
But the life - the fire - never did.
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Author's notes: I'm putting these notes at the end as not to influence a reader who hasn't seen this piece yet. I almost put it in Romance, but upon a second glance I realized that I didn't want it boxed up like that. And it's not much of a Romance anyway.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,471 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that's quite a powerful start there. When the title happens to be the fire this is really not the sort of thing that you expect to see, but what you've got here is just about as powerful as most fires could be. I think you've done a great job of things on this one. This really manages to come across with a very clear message there and I think this opening certainly works wonders to get your attention too, so very solid start here.
Oooh well this is clearly hinting at potentially some sort of history here. Something about the way this is structured at the moment just does not read like your typical just first time meeting and that's a great thing, its always good to get a sense that these characters have really been thought out. Let's see where this takes us.
Okay...that took a slight turn. Its clearly something of a metaphor here or these two sort of dancing around each other not quite making a move but then also there's just enough in this that its ambiguous to the point it all also seems to be the one conversation. That's a very interesting touch there and given the power of the opening, this happens to be quite the twist too. I'm curious to see how it ends.
Okay.... well clearly by this point its almost certainly a metaphor. You can't really assume that people would sit there for years... so well, this is a much sort of sadder experience than where I thought this was going, its got an interesting sort of sadness to it and a weight that you can't quite normally see. At any rate its a strong piece and it really leaves you with quite a bit to think about. I think that makes it pretty powerful.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
cool...
we need some critiqueing! (if I spelt that right!)
Ahh, yeh.. instead of saying "it felt like forever" I wrote about years passing. It sounded less cliche. ^^:;;; Sorry if it was a little confusing. I might take a look at that.
(I'm a very busy person. It could take a w hile. >.>;;; ) But I WILL get to it. Definitely.
I appreciate all the critiques. You guys rock. I need to get busy on reading your stuff.
Morran you're really good...
I didn't find any mistakes or anything. It's just kind of wierd how they sat there for years and years...it's hard to tell if you're being sarcastic or not. That's my only crit...
Flash fiction. This was more of an exercise in... something... but I forgot what. Anyway, I liked how it turned out, and so I kept it. I need to write more flash fiction, but what I start never seems to turn out as well as this particular piece did. So, no. Nothing more and not much more of a point, either.
The world in general needs more flash fiction, except for fear of it becoming like poetry.
Edit: And thank you for the review.
I liked that. Very good. An example of a small, but well-written piece. I don't have many suggestions, unless there was a significant purpose to this piece you are not sure you accomplished.
Just for curiousity's sake, is this going anywhere?
Or was it just flash fiction?
cool - very good. I enjoyed it. I think it was a good idea to not have put it in romance. It would be unfair to just put it in a 'closet' it didn't belong in. And, as well, not all people enjoy romance so you're more likely to have people read it if it's in this forum. Good job! mim x