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Young Writers Society



Future street kid

by Moriko



I want to try writing a poem
But how am I supposed to do it?
Rhyme it in the end?
Silly!

Now let me just talk
There's a girl who is doomed
But she doesn't know it yet
 She thinks everything around her is perfect

And here comes the only constant thing in this world
Change
Suddenly everything change
And she is left alone with promises that she knows will never happen

Then starts to realize she is doomed
What will happen to her?
Maybe sleep in the streets
Beg for food
Or sale her body

Then she slowly walks outside under the dark sky
She thinks of what will happen to her
And then she smiles
"Who cares?Life is such a beauty..sleeping in the street is cute anyway".


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Sun May 06, 2012 7:31 pm
Rob wrote a review...



Let's just start off with the nitpicks. ^^
Suddenly everything change (changes).
Or sale her body (sell)

I kind of like it. The theme of it is a very teenager contemporary one, I guess. Having to deal with popularity then waking up to the huge change when it ends. Or with the mirage of perfection around said person, but life always catches up.

Unfortunately you just weren't able to get the feelings through to me. Probably because of the difference of lenght of the verses. Long small long small, this difference makes it hard to get any fluence and therefore passing the feelings.

But don't stop. Keep on going. Near-perfection comes with time and effort.

Rob out.




Moriko says...


Thanks!
I really suck when it comes to grammar, and I think I know where I went wrong there. I'll try to avoid such mistakes next time.

Hehe I sort of wrote that for 20 minutes without the any concept in my mind so it's a chaotic (the content I mean). As for the verses, I thought sticking to the usual is a bit cliche so I decided to put it that way, however, do you really think it not effective at all?

Again, thanks a lot for your comment :)




You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?
— Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid