Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
By: Kaylie Yount,As I lay in bed I hear the clock in the hallway next to the bedroom door while waiting for Jake - my crush - to get home from his job at Walmart. I started living with Jack after my house burnt down - we have known each other since we both were five. Tomorrow is the full moon and to people like Jake, - humans - the full moon is just another phase of the moon but to me, it’s life-changing. Literally. After a while, the mayor told the wolfbloods to come out of hiding. Some did, but others like me didn't. Ever since I started living with Jake I’ve been lying about what I am. I was lost in thought when I heard the front door open and knew it was Jake coming home. I could hear his voice as he came down the hall. I hid in my closet and when he finally entered my room I pounced on top of him and we both fell. He rolled on top of me and pinned me down
“I win once again. Now help me make dinner Rose.” I nodded and he got off me, heading for the kitchen and turned on the stove as I began washing the dishes. He started humming - which was his tell that he was about to ask a question.
“So Rose what are you up to tomorrow tonight. Besides cutting your self again.” Jake said as he turned around to face me while grabbing some tomatoes to wash. I tried to think up a believable excuse when we heard a knock at the front door. Normally we wouldn't think anything of it, but there have been some kidnappings in the area recently so Jake had me run to my room and hide in my closet. So I did, telling him to be careful as I left the room. as he told me.
****
Making sure Rose was hiding, I heard the knocking again so I answered it, knowing she was safely hidden. I went to see who was at the door When I opened the door it turned out to be the alpha of my pack. His name was Maximilian Johnson, but everyone just called him Max. He was tall and had a kind of build to him with short silky black hair and ocean blue eyes. But frankly, I was wondering why he was here. Max never comes to my home because he is well known in town but his wife comes over every other Wednesday for tea. She always complains about how being married to the alpha is hard and annoying. Anyway, I decided I should ask why he was here, even though it was against my authority to question him.
“Hey Max if you don't mind me asking but why are you here?” he stayed quiet for a bit so I asked him again,
“Hey, Max why are you here?” He still wouldn’t answer so I tried again but, I heard glass shattering and it sounded like it came from Rose’s room so I tried to go check to make sure everything was okay but Max stopped me and finally told me what he was doing at my house.
“Oh right, I thought I would come over and talk to you about my wife,” he said this all sheepishly so I figured his wife told him what we talked about every other Wednesday but I wanted to go check on Rose to make sure she was okay so I lied to Max so I could go check on her.
“Yeah well Max I would love to chat but I have food cooking and I should really get back to it. Too bad. Maybe we can talk later about it.” I could tell by the look on his face that he wasn't buying it. I wanted him to leave but I knew that was going to be a long shot. I tried to close the door instead but before I knew it Max started to push against the front door as soon as I realized this I pushed back on the door even harder. Although he was the alpha I was somehow stronger him, so I managed to close the door. With the door closed, I went into Rose's bedroom to find the window broken. Quickly I looked in the closet to double check if Rose was safe. When I opened the door I was hit in the face with a baseball bat. Seconds later, I blacked out.
When I woke up the sun had already risen. The next thing I noticed was someone softly singing a slow tune. I could tell that it was Rose. 'She must be baking cookies or maybe even cupcakes' I thought. I went into the kitchen and I found her standing over the oven. She was wearing that pink rose apron I got for her 16 birthday. That same day she moved in with me. She looked over she saw me leaning against the wall painted with sunflowers and wolves with my arms crossed gently. Rose loved wolves. She walked over and gave me a big hug and said she was sorry for hitting me in the face with her bat and all I did was laugh and then I said,
“Rose have you considered playing baseball or softball? You have a good arm.” All she did was giggle like a sweet little girl who's been told she looks like a princess but that was Rose and I wouldn't have her any other way.
****
I decided to ask Jake who the person was at the door and but not tell him about the people who broke into my room. He told me it was a salesperson, but I could smell wolf on him. Then again, Jake always smells like a wolf some reason. I had gotten lost in thought without realizing it luckily Jack noticed and snapped me back to reality. Jack said he had to go back to work at Walmart. Before I could tell him that I called ahead a told them that Jake was sick and couldn't come in, he walked out the door. I decided this would actually be a good chance to find out who attacked me last night. As I was going to my room to find the scent I heard a knock at the front I figured Jack forgot his again like last week so I didn't think much of it when I answered the door expecting it to be Jack but it was someone I never met but he smelled familiar he was kind of tall with blue eyes. he also had a deep voice like the voice I heard when Jack answered the door last night so I grabbed the bat that was by the front door we had bats in every room just in case and I asked him what I could help him with he answered in a deep voice “ well I was wondering if Jack was here I need to talk to him about the wolves across the river do you know where I might find him?” I looked at him thinking about who this man was and why he wanted to talk to Jack and why on the night of the full moon so I found an excuse “I don't know where he would be but I can tell him that you stopped by just tell me your name” he looked at for a few minutes before I felt a sharp pain in my back before I knew what had happened I was on the floor and everything went dark. I woke up in a place I've never been before I looked around and saw a clock it read 6:30 P.M. Jack would be home in 10 minutes I tried to call out for help but I couldn't that's when I realized I was tied to a chair with duct tape over my mouth. I tried to figure out what happened I was thinking about for almost 20 minutes before I heard someone coming down the hallway I looked over again at the clock which now read 6:50 i then remembered that tonight was the full moon and I would be turning at midnight I suddenly heard a door open and a person coming towards me I tried to turn around to see who it was but I fell out of the chair instead then I suddenly felt strong hands wrap around me and pick me up I try to squirm free from their grasp but it was no use he was too strong even for me he then put me back in the chair I decided I would look at the clock really fast it now read 7:35 I finally decided to see who grabbed me it was the man from earlier I glared at him he just looked at me like my alpha from the red wolves that lived next to a river across the river were the shadow wolves. he kind of looked like he was waiting for something or someone and as if cued his cell phone rang even if it wasn't on speaker I could right away that it was jack on the other end of the call “Max, I know you have her where is she” he sounded so worried like a big brother or a boyfriend “Well Jack nice to talk to you, and about your little friend she’s safe for now would you like to talk to her” he says stuff like that so slyly but he took the tape off and put me on the phone with Jack “Jack is that you in scared whats going on?” he quickly responded “don't worry everything is going to be ok, just stay calm ok” the man called max put the tape back over my mouth and started to talk to jack again I could only hear part of what they were saying and now only one half because max had walked away “......Yes just …….. NO ……. no harm will come” but that's as much as I could tell.
****
I sighed after hanging up the phone with Max he promised no harm would come to Roes as long as I come back and stay with pack but I can never do that so he’s giving me three days to figure out what to do but what he doesn't realize is that there is only one thing that scares Roes and that tells me where he’s keeping her she's only scared of hard metal floors and being on the ocean but that's not good enough so maybe I can track her sent from one of her shirts and I'll be able to find her. “It's 8:30 i think if i go now i can save roes and be back before midnight and not half to stay with the pack” so making up my mind i went after him and roes i packed a couple of things like water and a change of cloths in my backpack and sent off i got in my truck and followed her scent but then it went cold around a fish factory so i decided i would go in as i got to the door i realized i had forgotten my bag but then i thought i would just grab her and go so i entered the door and the next thing i knew i was in a cage it was a trap then i smelled tears of both joy and fear i could tell roes was happy but she was also scared i quickly analyzed the situation and got an idea as long as these weren’t silver i could easily just slide my hands through the bars and pick the lock so as i slide my arms through the bars i hit one of them and felt a stinging sensation go through my arm and i jumped back in pain “of he would put silver what was i thinking” i then heard a chuckle coming from my left and looked over and saw Max he was chuckling like a mad man then i heard him say something “you really gullible now i see why she likes you that your scent seemed to have calmed her down quite a bit” wait my scent Rose could smell me she like 5 ft away no one should be able to smell a wolf unless, unless i hit myself in the head as a way to say “you stupid idiot” she always knew how to find me no matter what she would even say
“you smell like the… nevermind”.
****
i could tell that Jack was in danger and that Max was with him i tried to yell for help but remembered that i had duct tape over my mouth but then i remembered that Jack taught me how to get duct tape off i quickly started to move my mouth really fast up and down left to right until finally it came off i yelled as loud as i could that's when i heard a faint yell in reply i could it was Jack but it went silent like someone and put a gag over his mouth. i quickly looked over at the clock when i saw it i felt fear inside me because it read 11:50 ten more minutes and i would change my train of thought was suddenly interrupted when a big metal cage came down around me i was trapped like a wild animal then someone with a knife came into the room and wearing gloves he cut the ropes holding me at that moment i jumped up grab the knife and ran towards the man i reached the bars and grabbed them with hand i immediately jumped back in pain with a shout the bars were coated with silver. i looked over and saw the time it now read 11:55 that's when i noticed the cage started to rise into the air and moved to a viewing area at that moment a cloth fell over my cage but i could hear another cage being brought in it smelled like Jack i started to panic when i heard Jack’s voice “Roes is that you?” i thought i would answer but then what would he think i didn't know what time it was but i was able to guess it was midnight i could tell by the pain i was in i was starting to change i shouted to Jack “Jack you need run find a way out of here now!” i was hoping he listened but i could hear his breathing it was ragged and labored i then knew what Max was meaning when he came to the door asking to talk to Jack about the wolves across the river he was talking about. Me…. Max and Jack were the other wolves who we thought were nice a pack but now i see i was wrong but then why hasn’t Jack tried to kill me he had plenty of opportunities i live with him since i was 16 and i've known his science we were little. when i came out of though i realized i had finished changing into a red wolf. that's when the cloth around the cage was lifted off and across from me was a handsome shadow black silky wolf with green eyes. i knew it was jack just then my cage door opened and pushed me Jack’s did the same we were now face to face we both just looked at eachother while we were lost in eachother we both looked over to where we heard a door open it was another shadow wolf only this one was different it was bigger, longer, and looked like an alpha but the one thing that i recognized from the wolf was the ocean blue eyes. it was Max walking towards Jack. but he stopped halfway and turned towards me and started to walk towards me as he got closer i tried to back away but he was already right in front of me.
****
i saw Max standing in front of Roes half of me wanted to stand there like i should as a second in command but the other half the half that loves Rose wants to step in between them and help Rose luck for me that half of me was stronger so i defied my alpha and stepped in to help Rose “Jack get out of my way now or elsa” I could tell that Max was angry at me and would probably kick me out of the pack but i don't care as long as i protect Rose i don't care if i get kicked out of every pack on earth because i love Rose and thats that before i could do anything i notice movement behind me it was Rose she had walked over to my left and quickly put her head underneth my neck normally that would be cute if we werent about to fight my alpha because when a female wolf puts her head underneth a males neck its to protect them from ingerys but than the femals the one that usaully gets hurt so just simply pushed her back i wasnt going to have her get hurt for me no matter what. i love her to much i suddanly hear a faint chuckly coming from Max “this is adourable watching you two now how about we gets this over with” Max said this with a growl in his voice being his second in command i know all his moves then a door opened up and on the other side of it was one thing that terrified me and hunted my nightmares…… my older brother Aleks.
****
Once the doors were fully opened i could see a wolf of pure midnight with eyes as red blood and teeth as sharp as knives and clwas like razors. i had no idea who this was but he scared Jack which told me i should be scared too but for some reason he didnt scare me not like Max did. the new wolf started towards Jack i didnt want to disobay Jack but i could help but try and protect him so i stepped in frount of them both the new wolf seemed surpriesd by this i simpled just growled thats when he started to open his mouth to talk “well this something i wasnt expetcing i thought that Jack over there would man up for once to protect his girlfriend but i guess not” his voice was deep and had a sort of accsent that i couldnt make out but it was so full of sarcasum it was hard to keep a solid face that is if i wasnt a wolf but it was pretty to tell i was laughing becuase the new wolf stepped closer to me and growled like no wolf ive ever known he was no ordinary wolf but i didnt back down i wasnt scared of him “so this what you think of Max he doesnt scare me” i said this too much confendincs “well Mrs.Rose let me tell you my plan. step one kiddnape you, step two threten Jack to rejoin the pack, back up plan use Jacks older brother agenst him which dosent seem to be working because i though you would be scared not him but well this works” wait Jack has a brother as im trying to map everything out in my head i hear something but i was so lost in thought i didnt hear really but then i felt something hit me in the face and i fel to the ground thats when i figered out what they said ‘get me’ “Rose are you ok” i looked to my right there was Jack and i could he was angery becuse when i nodded barly awake he stod up on and walked towards his brother and then they started fighting thats when the world went black. i woke the next morning but something was diffrent and the same i was on my bed in my bedroom at Jacks house but i was still in wolf form so i tried to get up but i was in to much pain thats when i heard Jack coming down hall way he had changed back to his humain form already he had food and water with him he must have known i was going to wake up soon. when he saw me awake he put the food on the stand next to my twin sized bed and embraced me so tight i couldn't really breath so, i had to tape his shoulder but he either didn't notice or he was to happy to let go but he finally did after about 5 minutes and he asked how i was feeling “well you just crushed every bone in my arms but otherwise a little sore” that's when i realised he couldn't understand wolf anymore so i tried to change but it hurt too much that Jack told me to stop or ill just hurt even more so, i did as told for the next few weeks Jack just took care of me just like when i lost my home so to me this felt nice like i was sick with the flu or something and i didn't want to get better but after the 3rd week Jack told to try and change out of my wolf form i had actually forgotten i was still in wolf form i liked the idea of being taken care of but i decided he was right and changed back i managed to turn human again but the minute i did i wished i hadn't i had also forgotten that my cloth got torn up when i changed into wolf but Jack didn't care instead he stood up got my nightgown i put in on and the next thing i know i felt the soft sweet touch of his lips brush against mine and i wish we could stay like forever but i heard a knock at the door and grabbed Jacks arm he held my hand and told me to hid but i told him i wasn't going to leave him this time i don't care what happens i wont i said all this all the way to door that when we finally got there Jack told me to go and hid i told him no then there came a voice from the other side “Jack let me in now or that girlfriend of yours pays” i recognized the voice it was Max, i could tell he was pissed off about something but i couldn't tell because if it was about the fight he should have rented when i was weak because now i could rip his throat I've been wanting payback.
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi, Morgana666.
I want to read this and leave you a review, but it's hard to read this story when the format makes part of your story cut off.
If you are able to fix the format, I will read this story and tell you what I think.
- Kanome
I hit writers blog im hoping for some ideas soon.
Hey! So I have to say that the story idea is full of potential and I think the characters are very compelling!
However, the format of this story makes it difficult to read and the number of grammar mistakes really takes the reader out of the story. Also, in the first paragraph you switched the names "Jake" and "Jack" and it negatively effected the tone.
Another thing is the infodumping. You don't need to start off by telling us within the first paragraph that her boyfriend works at Walmart and that her house burned down. You also don't need to make the reader's fully aware that she's a werewolf either, remember, show don't tell, show her being anxious for the moon, tapping her foot, getting jittery, leaving the house in order to protect her boyfriend, and also, if you want to portray the abusive/ toxic relationship between Rose and Jake, show the reasons why she would care about him and how he is abusive. Also, show how his abuse effects her, maybe instead of mocking her for cutting again you could have him catch her doing it as a way to release stress and him shaming her for that, physically or mentally.
All in all though, the story is interesting and, despite these problems I'm interested in reading more!
Best of Luck!
Thedumbbrunette
I'm a fast typer and new at this. It was a simple mistake you are ngitivly affecting my mood.
Morgana, I am sorry if my comment offended you in any way, that was not my intention...however it was marked as a review which means it contained constructive criticism and edits that I thought you should make. If you want to become a writer in real life, editing is part of the process that you must go through in order to get published and in real life editors will be much more blunt and harsh with their comments than I was in my review. If you do not like reviews or critiques of your work, I suggest you move to Wattpad or another writing forum that does not center around editing or criticism. In short, you mistake was minor, yes, but it negatively effected the mood of the story. When writing, it is important to go back and reread or else your work does not always make sense or translate well with the audience. I also see in the comments you are rude to alot of other reviewers and I feel it is my duty to tell you that that type of behavior is not acceptable. These people took the time out of their day to read your story and attempt to help you to perfect it so how dare you to mock them or simply state that you will refuse to make any changes to your story, this makes you sound childish as does your multiple grammar mistakes and mocking attitude. So Morgana, in conclusion, I don't know you or what you are going through but I do have some advice.
1) Have some respect for other human beings and their opinions
2) Grow up and learn how to handle constructive criticisms
3) If you find this platform to harsh and you do not want to grow as a writer, leave.
Young Writers Society is not a place for hostility nor is it a place for those to receive praise for work and be told there is no way to improve it. It is a place for learning and growing bonds with others who want to learn. If you have any more questions or comments please feel free to leave them on my wall!
Best of Luck
-thedumbbrunette00
Hey, Savannah here with a review!
First thing is first, grammar! You can never neglect to make sure to capitalize your proper nouns, put commas where they must be, and make sure that you don't have any run-on sentences.
A lot of the time, as writers, we tend to just write without, sometimes, thinking about how it sounds. If you're unsure of something, try saying it out loud. If it's way too long of a sentence (and you find yourself having to take several breaths before the next period or comma) it is most definitely lacking one or more of those things. Capitalization and typing errors are often common, but if the system doesn't catch it because the typo is a legal word, then we can usually miss those things. Physically reciting what we wrote is a good way to catch those errors. For example:
"i saw Max standing in front of Roes half of me wanted to stand there like i should as a second in command but the other half the half that loves Rose wants to step in between them and help Rose luck for me that half of me was stronger so i defied my alpha and stepped in to help Rose “Jack get out of my way now or elsa” I could tell that Max..."
I had to stop, because the body of text was so large, but let's dissect this a little bit and see what about just this small segment could be improved!
To begin with, this entire piece is just one huge run-on sentence and would be far too daunting and exhausting to read. Generally, sentences are easy to construct and end. Statements are separated with periods, for example, "I wanted an apple pie. Good thing it hadn't gone bad yet."
In your piece that I pulled out, it should look something like this once periods were added to the end of each statement:
"i saw Max standing in front of Roes. half of me wanted to stand there like i should as a second in command but the other half the half that loves Rose wants to step in between them and help Rose. luck for me that half of me was stronger so i defied my alpha and stepped in to help Rose “Jack get out of my way now or elsa”. I could tell that Max..."
The second thing you have to look out for are commas. You've got a lot in there that are completely right, which is amazing! I'm going to quickly review some basic rules to make it easier to remember where, when and how you should use them, as there are a lot missing still.
These are tricky little buggers and can lead you to a world of trouble, but smaller statements within sentences are usually separated. They should be used after the words yes and no ("Yes, mom." "No, ma'am."), introducing names ("I'm Grenada, what about you?"), before dialogue (He looked up, "I need pie."), between descriptive statements ("The sky was pink and gold, thin clouds laced the air."), before the words but/though/however ("She was cold, but alive." "He wanted to go, though part of him said no." "The pit was deep, however he knew they would make it") , and between groups of adjectives ("The pies were cherry, pecan, and apple flavored.")
These are basic rules, and after being applied, should leave your text looking like this:
"i saw Max standing in front of Roes. half of me wanted to stand there like i should as a second in command, but the other half, the half that loves Rose, wants to step in between them and help Rose. luck for me that half of me was stronger, so i defied my alpha and stepped in to help Rose,“Jack get out of my way now, or elsa”. I could tell that Max..."
Third thing, capitalization! There's really only two things I think in here that need to be capitalized, and those are proper nouns (given names of people and places, for example "Young and Bold Cafe"). You've gotten names down it seems, which is really good! You're already a step in the right direction!
Once you have your sentences marked, however, they should start with a capital letter. Applying this leaves the excerpt of text looking like this:
"I saw Max standing in front of Roes. Half of me wanted to stand there like I should as a second in command, but the other half, the half that loves Rose, wants to step in between them and help Rose. Luck for me that half of me was stronger, so I defied my alpha and stepped in to help Rose,“Jack get out of my way now, or elsa”. I could tell that Max..."
By now, it should be reading quite well and looking great too. You're an amazing writer, so don't let these skills go to waste! As a couple of last things, definitely read over your paragraph and make sure that all of your words are as they should be. A couple of those typos that need to be changed are "Luck" to "Lucky", "elsa" to "else", and "Roes" to "Rose".
One more thing: don't bore the reader with repeating the same phrases or words over and over and over again. Starting 90% of your sentences with "I" leaves the story feeling heavily one sided and makes reading a chore. Divvy those words up! Shake things around a bit! Keep your readers happy, interested, and intrigued by substituting words and differing sentence length. Give them some crunchy words, some silky words, even some INCREDIBLE ones! Keep the reader, and yourself, invested and wanting to read more.
The last thing: your story is something that is entirely up in your head, something nobody else has seen before. Letting the reader know what's around the characters and what you see in this little world is key to keeping them there. Show them the characters, give them emotions, make it as real as it feels to you, otherwise, it's just going to fall flat. You can't have a bland apple pie, so spice it up! Use your words.
This world is so full of potential, and I would love to see you write more and continue to develop such an amazing skill. If you ever need help, I'm always here to chat, and we could set up a review session! I am only trying to help you become the most amazing writer you can be, so please don't take this as an attack.
Always sincerely,
Savannah
this is how i like my story to sound plus im new at this