Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
wow
you are so crazy
laughter fills the backseat
friends surround me
I smile
I laugh
I hide my tears because
friends surround me
monsters creep and scare
screams around me
but I just smile
friends surround me
just one
try it
it's okay
friends surround me
one is five
five is twenty
on the run
friends surround me
metallic jam
drip drip drop
snikt snikt snikt
friends surround me
cuffs and lights
Miranda's rights
but i smile
friends surround me
pretty pleases
and promises
but they wont free me
friends surround me
Don't listen.
She is crazy.
39 victims
friends surround me
So many heads.
All lined up.
Written on the wall.
"Friends surround me"
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141,698 Literary Works • 675,577 Reviews
Hey Moraca101! I'm here to do a review! I liked the poem - here's a few notes.
Based upon reading the rest of the poem, I would think the word "so" isn't needed in this line.
This is all great, but since the rest of your lines aren't starting with a caps, don't capitalize this either - even though it's an "I". If you've ever read any poems by Rupi Kaur, which if you haven't I strongly recommend, you'll notice not a single letter is capitalized.
While this line by itself is fine, it just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. I think it'd flow better if you removed this.
I only quote this because of my previous suggestion on lower-casing the "I".
Would lower-case "Miranda's". Again, I know it's a proper noun and that normally you would want to capitalize this by any means, but poetry seems to have its own rules. At least from what I've observed.
And I again quote this for the same reason in regards to the caps.
Alright, well so that wraps that up! I enjoyed this poem to be honest with you, even though I've never been big on horror work. This was well done!
I didn't know about the "don't capitalize I if you aren't going to do the rest" thing, so thank you. The last two stanzas have purposeful capitalization because it is someone else talking and she is hearing these snippets of conversation. Thank you for the review, and a big THANK YOU for teaching me something new!
A good poem, though there are some parts you could have left out, like "drip drip drop" and "snikt snikt snikt". I really like the hidden message, if I interpreted it correct (school massacre? Then again, the "I" person could be doing drugs? ). Keep writing! One tip: Try to make it more compact next time, it's a bit messy with all those lines with few words.
The "drip drip drop" and "snikt snikt snikt" is a clue as to what happened. I understand that it doesn't sound quite right. I've never been good at flowing poetry. And yes, it is messy. I did it on purpose. The "I" person is not right in the head and sees their own life in jittery flashes. Their mind blocks out the rest. They hear dripping, the sound of sharp metal pieces sliding against each other, and the taste of "metallic jam." The person remembers these sensory things, but not anything else.