Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
A single baby lay crying in her crib, a small boy walked in the old bedroom. This boy was not an ordinary boy, he was a magician. His name was Merlin, yes that's right he was Merlin. But this legend is not about Merlin it's about his sister Morgan Le Fay, Now where was I. Ah, yes. As Merlin picked Morgan up she stopped crying "Morgan, my baby sister it is time. You have nowhere else to go, I shall take you to my master there he shall train you and me to become great magicians" Merlin wrapped his sister in a small, blue, silk blanket and set of. "Merlin, have you gotten your sister" came the voice of a girl his age, it was Naomi Merlin's fellow magician. She had been running from something, he could tell. "Yes, Naomi are the sorcerers here" "Not yet but they could be here any moment, we must hurry back" they sorcerers wanted Morgan to, after all she was the sibling of Merlin, which meant she would have the magical jean as well. Merlin and Naomi scattered blue powder around them and chanted together "Take Us Home". With that they went up in a blur of blue smoke.
Okay well besides having heard the name before I'm not the most familiar with this particular legend so I have no idea how different things are here, but this is an intriguing start, albeit a tiny bit infodumpy. It sort of teetering on the edge here because its not got that much information and most of it appears to be things we do kind of need to know anyway, but there's just a bit of a grey area there and I think trimming that up is a good idea. Otherwise, this is a decent opening here, it does get your attention pretty well.
They came to a large golden gate that seperated them from the humans world "State your business" came the heavy vioce of a griff, a griff was one of the few magical creature trusted by magicains. "It is Merlin and Naomi comming with Morgan Le Fay" the large golden doors opened revealing the magical world of Surden. Merlin and Naomi ran as fast as they could to the castle of Surden, as they came through the stone hallways their master was in the trophy room "Master Trojem, I have found my sister it was to late for my parents" "You have found your sister, excelent now let me see your bay sister" Master Trojem took the small bundle in his arms, Morgan was asleep but she awoke as Master Trojem examened her, Morgan had big purple eyes, black hair like her brothers, and a mark on her neck. All magicians were born with a mark and Morgan's mark was the mark of ice.
"We shall honor this baby, because she will save us all"
Cool, well it seems we have the more traditional sort of prophecy ish based start going on here and for the most part I am liking where this appears to be headed in here. It does certainly work, and this paragraph does in fact have a bit of an improved ratio of information to actual story as well. Its a bit on the more cliche side of things, but I think as a whole this first chapter is pretty effective and it has done enough to make me want to read on and find out more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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