Published June 24, 2019
Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Faces press into my floating palms revering something old, something foreign as dirt. I spit their colors into the sink. They bleed together, creating a plethora of images- conjoined, their edges disintegrating.
My shoulders swell when your lips drain my cheekbones. All I really want is for you to touch me without flinching, for you to follow a string of promises all the way down my collarbone.
Would you say that the prettiest images are the ones you can't make out? That's how I felt at nighttime on the border of the mediterranean sea. The power of man ceases there, right by the water. We would rather project our heads into the sky than explore the depths beneath our feet.
It's futile to scream in a glass prison. Death is just a junk headspace with hills made of black sand. So, take my advice: don't be afraid for anyone but yourself. Your mind is like a poison...
What about you and me, in Vegas? We can get wicked drunk and have sex on a blackjack table. We can stuff poker chips in our underwear and wrestle with our tongues.
If you really loved me you would do it. You think I'm sweet, but my chest is packed with tar. Don't expect to get anywhere with your intellect because quite frankly, I'm already bored of it.
Call me three times a day and hang up twice. Mark your initials into my
forearm, bite the skin until it bleeds. I'll lead us to a man-made sinkhole and jump. We can fall together, remembering that we're nothing but rag dolls with retinas and a sense of smell.
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139,566 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
I wanted to critique this, but honestly I have no idea how to critique poetry. I think it's a way for one to express themselves that's completely unique to them. And this is exactly that- unique, gripping, intriguing, pulling me in wanting to understand every statement and simile and metaphor on a deeper level.
The images this poem conveys are so vivid. I especially love the last sentence in the sixth paragraph. This poem feels like conflict, and like you're not sure whether to keep fighting, or to let go, even though you dont want to.
Overall, I think you've captured something original with this piece, even if I'm not sure what it is exactly. I love your style, and your images. It's all very creative and interesting.
- Pom
Thank you!!! This was the result of me writing through free association, so there's not really any objective other than for me to put words down on the page. I was told by a great writer once that the only way to improve on writing to the point of publishing is to write every single day, no matter what comes out on the page. This is the result of that. Look out for the beginning chapters of my novel, which I'll be posting as soon as I have enough points. & Thanks again for the review
Wow. I mean, just wow. Just by reading the two first paragraphs, I really like the *they bleed together, creating a plethora of images- conjoined, their edges disintegrating* you have a great hold of imagery. Metaphors are random in your poem XD
My favorite line is probably the first line of your third stanza- and I absolutely love how you make your lines rhyme in bitwikt of their stanza. It really has this smooth appeal I absolutely lOvE. I also love how you’ve started with a hollow sense of hope, to downright depression, to pain- until you get to suicidal love. You have this clear evolution, and ending line which strokes our heartstrings. There just is one little thing. You pass from vaguer, more big picture feelings at the beginning- but you end detail oriented and more.. personal.. which is fine, but this is not our life, so some of us might find it hard to relate. Even impossible. But since you are so good at describing the evolution of mind and feelings, we get the big picture quite easily.
Thank you! I appreciate your honest review. I was just practicing some of my daily writing and had finally gathered up enough points to post something-- I'm sort of what you would call an alum on this site, probably a bit too old for it --and thought why not go for it. My latest projects are in the form of chapters, hope you'll check them out once I can afford to post something! And let me know if there's anything you would like a review on, I'm happy to check it out
Cheers
I%u2019ll review your stuff
btw, I really liked this