I watch from the swaying shadows of the Great Oak as my beloved kneels in front of my grave, his long black hair falling into his eyes. There is the usual bouquet of ruby red roses in his hands.
He comes every year at this same time, you see. Valentine’s Day. At times it almost seems silly to me.
“Why risk your life just to cry for me here?” I always want to reach out and ask. I know what could happen in the Eternal Forest if he isn’t careful in his journey…
But I never do say that, because I am trapped. If only he were to notice me standing here… But he never does.
Like every year, he lays the roses down and weeps. His shoulders heave and shake with the force of his sobs. I am destined to hopelessly watch, unable to move forward or back. Something is different about this year, though. I sense it in how he seems more weary - depressed. I hope that his alcoholic past hasn’t resurfaced.
Just then I notice him pulling a picture out of his pocket. Of course. Our family photo: Miyako and I were tangled together in a passionate embrace while Jade, our precious daughter, squeezed herself in-between us, her face aglow with joy.
That was before the illness struck - before I learned I had the Devil’s own curse. The doctor’s words still ring precisely clear in my mind: “You have AIDS…”
By some miracle, I hadn’t spread it to my Fated One. But that firmly put an end to our late-night fun. There was nothing that could be done at that point.
He cries over the picture and it flutters to the ground with a burst of the wind. Suddenly, still barely just crying, his face bears an apathetic, determined gaze. He places a hand on the hilt of his sword. And in that moment I know what he is about to do. I understand the difference in his behavior.
I struggle against the confines of the Spirit World, but a voice from nowhere says, “It’s his life. He must make his own decisions.”
No! I cry back with my mind, for my voice does not work here. He can’t do this!
The sword is raised in his hand now, delicately balanced over his heart. “I love you, Hotaru…” he whispers, so soft it’s almost inaudible. This is the first time I’ve heard this in over five long, trapped years. And it sets me free.
I am floating towards him now, desperate to reach him before he completes the terrible deed. I reach out and grab a hold of his wrist - but it is too late. The sword has already plunged through his heart and blood is pouring out of the wound. His body slumps to the ground, but his spirit rises, standing on its feet for the first time.
And he is with me again - even if it is in death. We embrace and hold each other, promising to never let go ever again. He tugs at my flaming red hair the same way he used to as we kiss. And for the first time in several years I allow myself to cry; even though no one can see except him, my Fated One; my Everything; my Forever.
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139,382 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Hello!! : D
So first of all, I didn't really see too much that I didn't necessarily needed to nit-pick or anything. I liked this piece alot, very...haunting... For some reason (maybe the names you used for the characters, the sword he used and what not) I picture this in my head as a manga...hmmm... Anyway...
1. ""He comes every year at this same time, you see. Valentine’s Day. It almost seems to me that this is quite silly. “Why risk your life just to cry for me here?” I always want to reach out and ask. I know what could happen in the Eternal Forest if he isn’t careful in his journey…""
The bit that you put into quotations, I'm a bit confused as to whether or not it's actual speech or an unspoken thought, which if it was the thought I believe it should be put into italics... Also I think it would read better/easier if you did this:
""He comes every year at this same time, you see. Valentine’s Day. It almost seems to me that this is quite silly.
“Why risk your life just to cry for me here?”
I always want to reach out and ask. I know what could happen in the Eternal Forest if he isn’t careful in his journey…""
^to me, it just looks cleaner. Same thing below V
""That was before the illness struck - before I learned I had the Devil’s own curse. The doctor’s words still ring precisely clear in my mind: “You have AIDS…”
By some miracle, I hadn’t spread it to my Fated One. But that firmly put an end to our late-night fun. There was nothing that could be done at that point.""
2. ""I struggle against my confines of the spirit world, but a voice from nowhere says, “It’s his life. He must make his own decisions.”""
Here I just think that 'spirit world' should be capitalized, just to magnify the significance of that place.
""I struggle against my confines of the Spirit World, but a voice from nowhere says, “It’s his life. He must make his own decisions.”""
3. ""And he is with me again - even if it is within death.""
"within death" sounds a bit weird... Maybe 'even if it is in death'?
Okay so that's all I noticed that caught my attention and really very small issues so you can ignore if you so choose.
I guess that's pretty much all I got for you, I hope I helped and I hope I wasn't too harsh.
Again, this is a very good piece, very meaningful and very intriguing. I liked it alot.
And trust me, you're not the only one who falls in love your characters. It's hard not to : D
Rock on,
Belle
\m/>.<\m/
Hi! Teardrop here! ( Decided to review all the entries, so here it goes. ) Also, it wasn't late. XD Thank you so much for entering, I enjoyed this a lot. ( And almost cried myself hehe )
I didn't find any nitpicks, I'm not sure if I'm blind but... yeah. Anyway, I thought it was different ( Not nessesarily in a bad way ) how he used a sword. Since people now usually don't carry or take swords around with them. But, I just found that interesting. Hehe.
I thought you could have elaborated more on the five senses. Imagine yourself actually there, what do you hear, feel, and all that.
I also found it hard to imagine what each of them looked like. Maybe explain some of their appearances so it really paints a picture in the readers mind.
Overall, I thought this was very sad. I felt bad for Jade, since I'm guessing is now an orphan. : O Anyway, I thought this was really cool. Thanks for entering!
~Teardrop