Published October 8, 2008
"Yuki, sweetie open your present from us," she spoke smooth as always.
"Okay," I yawned and saw something dark, like a shadow with no one to claim it. I slowly put my arms down as my father handed me a present. It was cubed wrapped in a Gothic wrapping. The black bats danced upon the wrapping.
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That's what I remember from it I'll write more once my teacher gives me back my notebook.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
There's not much to say. I will be looking for this when you've re-written it. Tell your teacher to zip up the man-pants and hurry up!
I would CHANGE THE TITLE. "Vampires Are Not Scary" is really weak, cause they are, hate to bust your bubble. So I would change it to fit your storyline.
Dude, this is a VERY short piece of work and doesn't exactly give me much to review or critique at all. It is, as the others before me have all pointed out, only five lines long and shows nothing of the plot. You're wasting your points here. I mean, it takes 150 points to make a post of any length (usually) so you might as well make it longer!
make sure you do reviews before you post!!!
2 Reviews per story/pic post
Enjoy YWS
Hey In_the_Moonlight we seem to be following each other
Oh that was a burn.......geeze thats gotta hurt the ego. Anyway I thought the five lines you gave were fine. I'm gonna have to go with the first person that commented, though. I really can't go on anything to review with. Oh well, it sounds like it might be something nice.....
You should make it longer. Edit it. You are 15 years old you shouldn't be that lazy. I mean, I am 13 and I am writeing more then 10 page story. This is only a little introduction.
Well...I can't really give you any feedback on this because it is only 5 sentences. Maybe you should have waited for your teacher to give you your notebook back before you posted it, but that is just my opinion.
If you'd like, I will critique the rest when you post it. PM me when the rest is posted.
-Venom