Young Writers Society

I love how you turned a story into a poem of this form. It's really amazing how you were able to make a simple situation into this heartful but an intelligent poem. In the beginning, it was a little bit confusing for me because I didn't quite understand what was happening but it was nothing that you did. It just took my brain a couple of minutes to catch on. Anyway, I'm very pleased with this and hope you continue to write them, because this is a great example of the poems we need today

Hey there! Sofie here with a review

First off, I think you did a really great job on this! You've got a real knack for imagery. You really paint a vivid picture of what the character is doing/feeling/experiencing. I'm totally there, in the moment experiencing it as well!

Specifically, I really loved this line below ;

"Mind flashing

Mind harassing me

With the thought

Of keen sharp pain spurting"

For me, that's such vivid description of what it's like in a writer's mind, lol. Thoughts and Ideas constantly flashing and harassing us until we get them down on paper. Nice one!


"Legs numb with your pain"
Here's a good example of your great use of description! I can literally feel that legs numb, fight-or-flight feeling kick in.



Then the last three stanzas...Oh, man they really pulled on my heart strings.

"My eyes widen

And I gulp

And swallow with guilt

Though I did nothing"

I think this is so relatable. When somebody we care about gets hurt around us...even if it's not our fault in any way, we still feel a sense of responsibility somehow. As if we caused it. Or, if we didn't cause it we should, at the very least, know how to take the pain away. And it feels awful when we can't. Ugh.

"It didn't hurt. It was just cold."

OOF. Such a simple line, but packs a hard punch.


"But I wanted to cry, brother

You see, I love you

And I never want to see you hurt

And I'm always guilty of everything I don't do"

So simply put, but just very well said. Again, I think anybody...especially older siblings and parents...can very much relate to this sentiment. Great job! I can tell from this piece you're a very colorful and vivd writer. You really put the reader in the narrator's shoes and demand that they feel what they feel, see what they see and experience what they experience. That's not easy and you've got it down pat Can't wait to read more of your stuff!

- Sofie

Andrew here with a review! I am THE WORST at peorty, and I've never really reviewed it before... so I'll use on the review formats the figure things out, sorry if this feels a bit robotic
First impressions
There was a lot of cool imagery in here, I especially liked the lines:

All whirled and blotted down

Fingers chasing letters

As I type;

S c r e a m A t M i d d a y

I entitle

Scream at midday

When the Sun's rays are brightest

Scream at midday

When it burns like oblivion