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12+

Make Me

by Moonglade


It’s not crying if you started first

It’s not falling if I’ve already hit the dirt

Glass doorways slide out my way, staring as I walk in pain, don’t be afraid

I’ll be there soon, I’ll join you like I always said

But for now the taste of my blood is so metallic in the breeze

***

Will you take me back to sundown shine

Prop our drinks upon the braai

Sizzling fires shine so bright

Shattered starlight sprinkles through my eyes

And maybe it’s all too much for now but I’ll lean in close and hope

***

Hope that maybe your love is stronger than mine ever was

***

Author’s Note: A braai is a traditional Afrikaans word that is known all and used all around South Africa. A braai could be compared to an American barbecue but the cooking style is much different. A braai is usually focused on meat although sometimes potjiekos (Almost like a stew that is cooked for hours over the fire, ingredients slowly added so as to make the meat fall off the bone tender.). Traditionally, we eat boerewors (Farmer’s sausage as a direct translation, it is a sausage made from the meat of a cow.), sosaties (Pieces of meat on a stick/variations including vegetables are also possible.), pork/lamb chops and a dessert such as Milk Tart (A delicious tart with a strong cinnamon taste.).


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Sun Jul 03, 2022 11:20 pm
lliyah wrote a review...



Hey! Here with some promised comments ~

There's something very nice I think about how you did the rhyme in this, and I also enjoy in the second half how you let us have a little more insight into South African culture with some of the more traditional terms, your explanation also was great for those to give extra context.

I'm feeling a little bit of a disconnect between the pain in the first stanza vs the party scene in the 2nd stanza and then not quite knowing where the final line comes in, I think you could connect these a tad more -you've got a great start, some great imagery elements, now just pulling the whole narrative together would bring the poem to the next level.

Another small critique - it felt a little bit repetitive to have the word "hope" twice in a row in the final two lines. Just like it's awkward when "that that" gets put together in a sentence, even if necessary for the structure, it creates a feeling of redundancy or confusion. I'd try to see if you can switch up one of those last two lines a bit so that "hope" isn't right next to "hope" when it's read aloud - those little sound things might not make much of a difference in prose, but for poetry stand out a little more I think.

The phrase "will you take me back to sundown shine" doesn't at first read as "grammatically correct" but I actually really like that phrase, it feels playful and persistent and also gives more of a sense of the speaker I think.

Good use of sound devices in a few places here like "braai / bright" and "sizzling, fire[b]s[/s] shine [b]s[/s]o bright" etc.

Thanks for sharing, looking forward to reading more of your poetry! <3

alliyah




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Fri Jun 24, 2022 6:31 pm
YourFriendQuirks08 wrote a review...



Heyyy,
Rubes here with a review! I really enjoyed the piece and think it was extremely well written. In my reviews I like to pick a few quotes and analyse them, so that you can see an interpretation and compare it to the purpose that you wrote it for (if that makes sense). I feel like this helps the writers to see mistakes in their techniques and change it to be more suitable for them and the poem/novel/chapter etc.
Anyways, let’s get into it!

It’s not falling if I’ve already hit the dirt


Well that was a harsh start. I do like the honesty in the poem though for definite. It’s so relatable, knowing that sometimes things just really can’t get much worse when you’ve hit a rock bottom moment in your life. I wouldn’t particularly use ‘It’s’ though: I find it flowing better better if you replace it with I’m or your (just some constructive criticism)

Will you take me back to sundown shine
Prop our drinks upon the braai
Sizzling fires shine so bright


The nostalgia omd! Its so clear and the imagery is gorgeous. I do like the semantic field of the words bright, shine and sizzling, which brings it all together also! I feel like adding some sort of onomatopoeia to the start to further enhance the imagery and help the flow of the poem would be my only feedback! For example: “Pop our drinks amongst the braai”. This is only my opinion and it sounds good your way as well though!




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Sat Jun 11, 2022 12:25 am
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Seirre says...



Hi Moonglade! You've got so much beautiful imagery in this poem, gosh. I'm noticing some more metaphorical images than in your last poem I read - "the taste of my blood is so metallic in the breeze", "shattered starlight sprinkles through my eyes" - and I really love that! I think it helps to make the poem feel vivid and engaging to the reader. The shorter length, too, makes it quite snappy. And so many sounds devices/sound words, as well: there are some subtle slant rhymes with "first / dirt", "afraid / said", and a lot of really lovely repeated vowel sounds as well. I think this would sound really lovely if read aloud! If you ever decide to record yourself performing it, let me know; I'd love to hear that. I'd be interested to hear exactly what tone of voice you'd use, as well - whether you choose desperation, or resentment, or heartbreak, or surrender, would change the mood quite a bit. Thanks for sharing the poem! I really enjoyed it.




Moonglade says...


Thank you so much for the review, Seirre!

I'm really happy to hear that you like the poem and the imagery. I'd also love to read it aloud but I don't know how comfortable I am at this point in regard to posting it online. But surely I'll feel a little more comfortable after a few years. I think I'd definitely pick a tone that treads the lines of heartbreak and desperation, because right now for me at least the poem has a different tone in the second stanza - which I should probably fix.

Thank you so much again
Moonglade



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Fri Jun 10, 2022 10:39 am
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hey friend, Morri here for a review!

Congrats on making it to the front page. I'm an old lady, just visiting some old internet haunts; since your poem is on the front page, it caught my eye and my interest.

I really like your use of imagery throughout the poem. You keep the reader's interest by allowing us to see through the narrator's eyes. You start the images in the first line with "cry," and it continues until the second to last line of the poem. Which brings me to my first piece of criticism— The last line of the poem drags the whole thing down. You already make explicit in the poem that this love is doomed, and the last line is a nail in the coffin. The problem here is that we want to see the wreckage of this love, or at least assume that it's there as opposed to you, the poet, telling us that there's a shipwreck. Trust your reader! You could take out that last line and the poem would survive. It could survive better with a few tweaks, but that last line left a sour taste in my mouth because it's too explicit— you're TELLING the reader what's going on instead of SHOWING, which is what you've been doing successfully for the rest of the piece.

Incorporate that last line with the previous line. Lean in close and hope. That's all you need to say— though I would suggest bringing the tone of the first stanza into the second. You have this lovely "on the edge" feeling to the first stanza, but it quickly fades to pure love poem in the second. Keep the tone going! If you don't want to rewrite too much in the second stanza, maybe try rearranging where the lines go? You can change up the rhyme scheme and it would still work. Instead of an AABBCCDD type of rhyme scheme, why not ABAB or even ACABDCDB or something like that? Experiment with moving your lines around.

The last (but not least) item that I will offer advice for on your poem is that your poem is wordy. While you have a good meter, your poem is filled with "so" and "maybe" and words that weaken your message.

But for now the taste of my blood is so metallic in the breeze
Here is the first occurrence of "so." "So" is really a throwaway word. Instead of that, why don't you strengthen your verb? Your verb here is "is." Not very descriptive or colorful. In fact, it's the most basic verb; it's a conjugation of the verb "to be." Use a more descriptive verb. The first one that comes to mind for me is "stains." "the tate of my blood stains the breeze." Maybe not the meter you're going for, but doesn't it give you a more vivid image? Try looking through your poem to remove unneeded words like "so" and "maybe," and also look for verbs that could use some spicing up! It will really make a difference in your writing.

I'm really excited that you used some Afrikaans in your writing, even if it's only a word. It's awesome that you bring your own culture to your writing as naturally as you do. Thank you for providing an author's note to explain! Not only did it educate me, it made me really hungry!

I hope that this review proves useful to you! Have a great night, and keep writing!




Moonglade says...


Thank you so much for the review, Morri!

It%u2019s great you%u2019ve stopped off at YWS. This poem is unedited, I write poetry but at this point am not the best at seeing mistakes etc.

I think that your first criticism actually really makes sense and something I am considering.

Hahaha. I didn%u2019t even notice I had a rhyme scheme. I really liked the meter of the second stanza so I%u2019m trying to get the poem in that meter with more of that foreboding tone from the first stanza.

Thank you for that advice. I find it very valuable that someone has taken attention to something so minor. I find that as a person I%u2019m very bad at explaining so my speech patterns have slightly butted in on my style. I%u2019d love to find some nice words that don%u2019t really seem too long or filling, if you know what I mean?

I%u2019m so happy you mentioned that because for me Afrikaans is so special. It%u2019s an indigenous language and sadly dying out. With the amount of people moving the population has really reduced and maybe if you%u2019ll remember what a braai is and how delicious it is then maybe you%u2019ll be able to keep alive a fragment of the language, small as it is.

Thank you so much for the review!

Have a great day/night
Moonglade



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Thu Jun 09, 2022 9:08 pm
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WishIHadASword wrote a review...



Hey! I don't even know if I have any legitimate critiques, so this review is going to be mostly me gushing about how talented you are! I don't know if it's because I don't read too much poetry or if it's because I royally suck when it comes to writing it, but you have such a way with words and write it so beautifully! Every thought is deep and touching, and none of the sentences are irrelevant. The last line obviously hits very hard, but you have so many other amazing lines too! I'm particularly fond of the line "Shattered starlight sprinkles through my eyes," which just sounds so lovely but almost bittersweet. In my opinion, it takes an intelligent and wise mind to write a poem so sweet, and I think you should definitely write much more so you can share your talent and make something out of it. I hope you have an awesome day/night/whatever, and keep being fantastic!




Moonglade says...


Thank you so much Wish!

I%u2019m really delighted to hear that you enjoyed reading it! I%u2019m really excited you like my line about shattered starlight line as it is an alliteration (Shattered shards of starlight sprinkle serenity through the sky.) I%u2019ve been working with and a line I really like. I love that you caught on the bittersweet feeling because the poem could be said to have two different voices. Broken and wishing. Loving and trying. Thank you so much for the compliment! I usually actually do write longer poems but sometimes I get a little carried away so for this poem I was experimenting with something short and sweet. Oh thank you! It%u2019s a dream to be able to publish something.

Have a terrific day/night
Moonglade





I hope that someday you get to share this with the rest of the world, you definitely have what it takes ;)



Moonglade says...


Wow! Thank you!



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Thu Jun 09, 2022 5:43 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Whatever happened to their love? What tragic twist crept towards them? How could this be? That is for us readers to interpret.I think that this makes sense.It’s about wanting to do something for your love.It’s so powerful that it almost consumes.You can’t stop dreaming about this love.It is everywhere.All around.In the air.I hope that you have a nice day/night.




Moonglade says...


Thank you so much for the review, Vampricorne!

Interestingingly, enough your interpretation is an interpretation I have seen quite often when it comes to reviews regarding my other poems. Ironically I%u2019ve never actually been in such a situation.





Huh.

Well you%u2019re welcome!




It's all a matter of perspective. Everyone is the hero of their own story, and the villain of another's.
— James