Hi there!
I'm not familiar with Homestuck so I am going to review this as if it was not a fanfiction. Not that it would've really been reviewed any different if I did know what Homestuck is, but I figured I'd at least point that out. Don't mind my ignorance of the characters and/or stroyline of Homestuck :3 Right, enough rambling from me.
Ooooh, a story written in second person?? I'm excited! That's not something you see very often. Can't wait to see what you make of it
Your name is Roxy Lalonde and you are spending the night next to your used to be best friend, Jane Crocker.
I feel like this would be a good place to introduce the setting. I'm apparently spending the night next to Jane. But where are we? In her house? My house? On the streets? Alright, that last one is a bit drastic, but you get my point. We could be anywhere. It's important for visualization for you to share with us the setting.
She invited you to spend the night after she found you in the outskirts of town, after dark, near her work place, you were disappointingly shit faced drunk and stumbling out of a local pub, the bar personnel were flanking your sides and roughly attempting to shove you with the best of their abilities into the cramped back of a taxi when she chimed in and took your hand, your alcohol hazed eyes staring dumbly at her before it registered to you who the person holding you was.
This is one big run-on sentence. Where is the punctuation? I know that there is a lot of places in this paragraph where you can start a new sentence. For example, one place to break this sentence is at "when she chimed in". The subject of the sentence has shifted from me to her. I'm shit faced drunk, then she saves me. See how that's two different ideas?
You take advantage and allow your legs to go limp, nearly knocking both of you down into the ice encrusted yard like you would always do when you used visit and she laughs almost as loudly as you despite her semiserious protests
Here's another run-on that can be split using the same idea.
Quick nitpick:
Shit not again.
This sentence will work a lot better with some sort of punctuation in it. Whether it be a semi-colon or a comma. Just something that will separate the exclamation, "shit", from the "not again". The sentence as it is now just runs together too quickly.
Overall this is a good story. It's a sweet story about a woman that the reader is supposed to have missed and fall in love with. There are some times when I really felt the emotion and other times when it just fell a bit flat. I think that because you wrote this story in second person, you've lost a lot. Let me explain:
Second person is very hard to pull off in the first place. In order to really write it well, you have to enforce emotion onto the readers and really get them to feel something. That can work well when the main character can be either male or female. However, here it seems weird that I, a female, is reading about how I'm supposed to be falling in love with another female. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against anything like that by any means, but it just didn't hit me the right way. I wasn't buying into the story because it's not how I am. Expecting me too feel these feelings towards someone I'd never share these feelings with just didn't work for me.
Because of that, I feel like this story would work a lot better as a first or third person POV. My main concern is that only a select few people will actually be able to relate to this. I was trying to imagine Jane as a guy, but it was hard to do. So those feelings just weren't there for me. Funny enough, I had this huge crush on this boy named Jake back when I was in high school so I perked up when I saw that name :3 Also, with it being written in third or first, you can really dive into the MC's mind and explore their thoughts and feelings. Second person is a very limited view. You can't really explain our thoughts and feelings to a certain extent because you don't know exactly how we'd act or feel in that certain situation. However, you do know how your MC would react.
I do have to praise you on the way you wrote this, however. There's a nice balance here between feelings and the actual story. It's like every time "my" thoughts focus on a memory or something other than Jane, I realize something and my attention turns back to her. I really like that. It shows that the entire story, and my entire life at this moment, revolves around her. She may be a friend that I've lost since going away to college, but she's one I never forgot. I can really see this in your story.
Your descriptions are pretty good as well. I could really envision what was going on around the characters in the story. That's one thing that really makes second person POV work. You have to convince the reader that they are truly in the story based on what's around them; the setting. If I can't envision myself being at that exact spot, how do you expect me to buy into the entire story?
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
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