Young Writers Society

Well Im Sorry and I did me tHou! Im just a Beginner! OK! Im Only 12!


Though who can't see me, can't lovith me anymore
Though who breaks my heart unexpectedly, will make me sore!
Though who can see me will makith me happy
Though who hates me I will kill or murder snappy
Though who loves me, I will love too
Though who scares me, I will scare too
Though who bullies me, I will hurt
Though who hurts me, I will burry in dirt

Hey, there

Welcome to the Young Writers Society, m'dear ^^

About your poem:

1. Take out the smiley faces, dear, they don't add to the poem at all. Poems are more beautiful without smiley faces randomply scattered through them.

2. Though at the beginning of the sentences makes little sense, to be honest. Was "thou" the word you searched? Change that, and it'll look better already.

3. If you use exclamation marks at the end of every line, you might as well use a full stop at the end of every line. Exclamation marks lose their sense of exclamation when they are used excessively.

4. "makith" and "lovith" don't appeal to me so much, and neither does "murder snappy".

I do think you've got something going here, MoonMagic, but it just needs a bit of work. Nobody's perfect, so don't worry too much about the not-too-positve comments.

There is a lot of room for improvement, and if you make some of the changes I suggested above ^ you will see that it looks better already. I do think it has potential; there's something about it that I like!

PM me for anything.

The best of luck with this poem, I'm sure it can turn into something good with a bit of work

XxxDo

First off welcome to YWS and stuff

To be honest I really didn't like this piece, it just didn't do it for me. And having those smiley faces in it takes away from the poem as well.

It just didn't really make sense...though at the beginning of the sentences didn't work...did you mean thou?

I don't know what to suggest really, read this over and think how you can improve it, it is hard for others to tell you as poetry can be very personal.

All the best,
Meevs