A small girl sat next to a rose.
How she got there, no one knows.
She took a boring, simple task,
and made it something which would last.
She took a daisy from afar
and brought it here to rest under the stars.
Then a dandelion from very near
took a new spot and grew right here.
A tiny lily came from the grass.
Now it's spread into the mass.
One by one, her garden grew,
little did she know that she did too.
And last, she brought a simple rose.
Where it came from, no one knows.
Now her creation, final at last,
is always beautiful and blooms very fast.
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139,843 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hey! Nice work on this.
You did awesome in the rhyming scheme of things. Clap clap, it's hard to do and you did it almost perfectly so good job.
For me, I find that emotive language tends to draw readers in far much more than just a narration.
I guess I'm kind of biased since I'm in love with Shakespeare etc.
But maybe one thing to work on could be using more complex ideas, an allegory maybe (?) to create much more depth.
Also a bigger vocab will always do you good.
I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your work! - Tiana
I dont really review poetry because to be honest it baffles me, kinda like shakespeare. However, I really like this it rolled of the tongue really easily and it was short but there was a story in it which was really cleverly done.
To be honest I'm not good at reviewing work but instead of babbling on I will sum it up in words.
Clever and interesting.
Oh wow!!! nice poem.
I liked your poem, it was cute and told a nice story. I have a few suggestions though.
So first off, I agree with ElvenJedi about your rhyming, even though I do enjoy rhyming quite a lot. However, I have to disagree with him in that not every line of a poem has to begin with a capital letter. That is not always true by any means and yours is fine the way it is.
To go with that however, I would suggest separating your verses into stanzas so that your poem flows better.
A few random suggestions that you don't have to listen to if you don't want to:
You could change a few words to make your verses flow better such as line two, changing "no one" to "nobody" and line four, "which" to "that".
I like verses five and six but they do not really sound well with the flow of syllables.
I could be overly critical about that with the whole poem but I'm sure you get what I mean and I know you don't want to read all that.
Over all I really like your poem and the concept of the story. Hope this helped.
Have a great day! ^-^
Thank you for your review, I'll keep those suggestions in mind!
HEELLO MoonLitTragedy,
A poem about life written in flowers. First off, this poem actually rhymes! I'm surprised not many people have written poems that actually rhyme. This is the first I've seen. Nice.
The poem is kind of confusing when you first read it. It'll take a while for the reader to get what you mean. Also, what's the true meaning of the poem? The line "little did she know that she did too" kind of hints that the poem has something to do with life. Is it with each flower she places in her garden, she grows a bit?
"is always beautiful and blooms very fast". Life goes by very fast. It's also ugly. You just have to find the beauty within the ugly.
Life goes by very fast,
Night Kaizer
Heya, this is Jedi, here for a review!
First off, I really enjoyed reading this poem. It is a very simple, innocent poem and I like that about it.
I found no grammatical mistakes(other than each line should begin with a capital letter, regardless of whether or not it begins a sentence), so great job on that =)
However, there were parts where the rhyming is clearly forced. Make sure that you don't write your poem around the rhymes, but write the rhymes around the poem. So here I'm just going to tear this to pieces, take it bit by bit.
I really like the beginning, but it could definitely use some expanding on the second line here. Why doesn't anyone know how she got there? What is she like? Is she a fairy? A sprite?
I don't like how the second line here is noticeably longer than the others. I would consider shortening it, perhaps by omitting "to rest". My thoughts on that.
I STRONGLY dislike the rhyme right here... seems very forced. Where's here? Sorry, I can't see where you're pointing at. "Here," is a word referring to an area that you are in or gesturing to, but we don't know where YOU are, and we certainly can't see where you're gesturing to. So consider changing that rhyme to something that makes more sense and doesn't sound forced.
I skipped ahead, to the end. This ending line totally destroys the rest of the poem. First I want to say that you cannot merely tell us what is beautiful. SHOW us that it's beautiful. Is it the colors? The morning dew reflecting the sunlight? This brings me to something else I want to say. There is an evident lack of imagery in this. Never in this piece of work do you DESCRIBE the plants and the garden. You simply say what was, but not how it was. Were there weeds before the girl came? Was the rose pink or red or white? Was the garden walled in by mossy bricks? I know that there are many poems that don't have imagery, and that that's a type of poem, but I have a feeling that adding imagery to this would make it something magically beautiful. There also was a lack of atmosphere and emotion, and good description would fix that if done right.
Also. there is nothing conclusive and final about the last line. OK so the garden now beautiful ALWAYS. Well, how is this different that before the girl came? There is a lack of contrast of how the garden was and is now. Mostly because you never told us what it used to be like.
OK so now the garden "blooms very fast." Instead of bringing up the subject of "blooming fast" just because fast rhymes with last, you should explain and expand on what happens to the girl now that she's done? And also you could expand on it being always beautiful, always alive, as the title says.
Well, hope I wasn't too harsh. Overall, this was a good poem (if you change the ending) and I would love to see the final outcome. Also, I understand that everyone has their own style, so I'm not telling you that you have to change anything, just that I think it would improve your work and that I think you should.
I look forward to reading more of your works! Hope this helped. ~Jedi
Thank you for your review. This poem was just something I wrote for one of the five minute free writes my teacher does just to put a participation grade in the grade book, so I wasn't focusing too much on imagery. You weren't too harsh, and your review actually gave me some ideas for edits I could make. If I do edit it, I'll be sure to post it again. Thanks again!
Glad I helped! And you should edit this; it has potential to be something awesome!