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Young Writers Society



The magic I didn't chose- chap 1: The beginning was an accident.

by MoonIris


Prologue:

We used to be five, but now I’m the only one alive.

I’m going to tell you a story about truth. The truth is ugly and bad. It’s sad and disappointing. Sometimes people can’t say the truth. Sometimes the truth is too bad and sad to be heard by other people. Not because they are cowards, but because the truth is so terrifying. It will make others sad. And those people whose truth is all about don’t want that to happen. Sometimes the truth is a person crying until he falls asleep. Sometimes a lie is happiness. But the person who keeps the truth for himself is underestimating his own qualities. Sometimes this person wants to scream. Sometimes the emotions are trapped, ready to explode. And if he is afraid to say it out loud, he puts it on paper. Sometimes people pour down their soul on it. Sometimes, if this person pays you a compliment or helps you, it's because they secretly wish someone would do that for them. Sometimes people think that they are out of tears, but when words hit them, there are still some tears left. Humans think they know each other but they’re not even close. The truth is ugly and bad. The truth is death, and life is a lie. In the end, which one do you prefer? I told you it’s a story about truth, but I lied. It’s a story about death. And sometimes, the paper is the testament.

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When you stepped out of Saint Angel’s Orphanage you could smell the beautiful flowers and the green grass that had been freshly cut. The windows reflected the sun in such a way you would think they were diamonds. The bell that was hanging over the wood door rang as a girl ran out.

“I’m faster than you!”, said a boy with a rather odd style that started chasing her. She walked on the dirt path all the way to the black metal gate. Then the girl with emerald eyes ran down the stoned street. She wasn’t looking back, she had only one target, winning this race. She took a turn on a street that was between two old buildings. It was so small and dark that you couldn’t make the difference between the walls and her black hair. She was grinning like a Cheshire cat. That’s when she saw him. The odd boy running on top of the buildings. His green cape was flapping behind him. The hood of his cape was covering his face. The smile of her face quickly disappeared and you could see her taking rather mysterious alleys that not a lot of people would go through.

The race was so tight you had no idea who would win. But Riona had a few tricks. As they were arriving to the market, the stoned path stopped and there was only dirt. The boy with the hood had to come down from the roofs as he had got to the end of them. He was about to jump in an empty dray, but Riona slid under it, kicked a barrel full of water and, as she was getting up, the other racer slipped on the mud and fell.

She took a path that was only shadows until she arrived on the main street. From there, it took just a couple of minutes to arrive in front of a white temple. She took the marble stairs that were at the front to finally arrive under the pavilion and leaned against a column.

“You-you…”, started the boy but stopped to breathe for a second. His body became very heavy and he sat on one of the stairs.

“Joke on you! I won again.”, she smiled at him as others were coming their way.

“Riona, Vidar, wasn’t I clear enough when I told not to race? Very well, the two of you will do chores for the rest of the day. That should teach you not to disobey.”

“Sorry, Miss Noncorde”, said the two of them at the same time.

Miss Noncorde was a strict woman. She was tall and thin. Her face would impose respect. She grabbed her black dress, as you couldn’t see her wearing anything else but that color, and climbed the stairs, walked through the beautiful double doors with mosaic instead of glass. A bell rang from the dome and the others hurried inside.

Vidar got up and his pants, which were already brown, were now full of mud from the fall. Three other children who were about their age followed them.

“Told you you will get into trouble”, said a girl with a brown ponytail coming down one of her shoulders, at the end of which there was a feather and a little metallic wolf.

“Please, Asena. You’re saying that only because you would’ve lost.”

“I would gladly prove you wrong if I didn’t have to wait for my lazy brother who wasn’t ready on time.”

“That’s not nice”, replied a boy with messy brown hair.

“Well…you could’ve gotten ready earlier.” It wasn’t his sister who replied, but a beautiful girl with a messy bun. Her white top was put in evidence by her dark skin. She crossed her arms as she approaching Asena.

“See, Amara agrees with me.”

“I-“started Lorcan so he could defend himself, but Riona stopped him.

“We need to get inside if we don’t want to spend the whole week doing chores.”.

Asena entered, followed by Amara, Lorcan, Riona and Vidar. They sat in one of the back rows although the other children from the orphanage were sitting in the first one. A man started singing a beautiful song about one of their beloved heroes. It was Riona’s favorite. The last hero was a man that had a pure heart. He was chosen by a magical diamond called Stymas and was given magical abilities. He protected everybody, both good and bad. It didn’t matter if these people were from the other three nations. He was kind and brave. And to think that this magical object that had chosen this brave man was in the same room with them, in the very same temple. As the melodic story continued, Riona smiled and attentively listened to the legend she adored.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Two big gates could be seen at the entrance to her town. A cattus approached the gates carrying a rather unpleasant surprise - its rider. This cattus was in fact a cat, a giant cat, with big horns and dark purple eyes. As her black paws elegantly drew closer to the gates of the city, you could hear the rider humming. It was a song that didn’t seem to have any life, it was feeble, but you could hear it. The song was so much alike the singer. Two guards that were standing at the gate seemed quite suspicious about the atmosphere that this new traveler had brought about. Luckily, that morning they had received orders not to let anybody inside the city. It was a very special day. They were celebrating 200 years since the last hero and the magical Stymas was going to be out for the public. The guards jumped to their feet:

“I’m sorry, nobody is allowed to go inside.”

“Oh…” She shook the red hair from her black eyes. She put one of her hands under her chin and leaned forward. With a big smile, she said:

“I’m sure you could make an exception.”

The guards chuckled.

“No, we can’t.”

“Oh well, that’s not a problem.” She had a big smile on her face. Then she raised her hand and a black cloud formed around it. She put it in front of her face and blew the cloud to the guards. It became so big that it wrapped around the guards without letting them see anything else. Seconds after that, they fell to their knees and started crying. They were seeing their worst nightmare become true. That was the power of the mandaxists or illusionists. Although it was not like this they were meant to use their powers. This red hair girl smiled as the men’s screams were music to her ears. It was yet another song added to her collection.

The giant cat opened the gates with a hit of her paw. People understood that she was trouble by the sounds of the guards who were begging to make it stop. Parents would drag their children away and all kinds of people were going out of her way.

“Please don’t be scared. I won’t hurt you if you give me what I want”, she said, with her smile still on her face. That smile was the most frightening one anybody had ever seen. She continued humming as she was sowing terror around her.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Let’s all pray that we will soon have a new hero who shall defend us all!”

“Let’s pray”, repeated all the people in the temple.

“Hey! Ri, hey!”, tried Asena to get Riona’s attention.

“What?”

“They are going to take it out. We will finally see the Stymas!”

“I know. Now shush, I’m listening.”

Four men carried a box covered in green velvet. They put it on a pedestal and opened the lid to reveal a diamond. The most beautiful and most powerful one of them all. As the leader of the ceremony was about to say something, the doors were opened by the Cattus and its rider Keres had eyes only for the powerful diamond.

“Guards! Take her!” screamed the leader. But as he spoke Keres was creating another cloud.

“Run! A Mandaxist!” Everybody started running, but the main door was blocked by the cat. Riona and her friends gathered all the small kids from the orphanage and took them outside through the window. Vidar went first, then took the kids outside one by one. Keres approached the stymas as she was uttering an incantation. A dark magic incantation. Her eyes turned completely black, a cloud and a thunder forming in her hand. She started levitating, and arrived almost in front of the diamond. Riona wasn’t scared, she was mad. Mad with all these people who were running instead of protecting this powerful weapon which was about to be used for evil purposes. She wasn’t even mad, she was disappointed. But as she wanted to leave through the window, she saw a little boy trembling just next to the pedestal. Keres was going to kill him, so Riona ran towards him and grabbed the kid seconds before Keres completed her spell. As she took the little boy into her arms, she protected his head. But then the accident that was going to change her life happened. She accidentally pushed the pedestal with her foot and she caught the Stymas just before it reached the ground.

You could sense electricity in the air. The diamond became liquid in her palm and infiltrated her skin. A protection sphere appeared around her as she started levitating.

“NO!”, screamed Keres in despair. The sound of the scream felt like physical pain. She tried every single spell that she knew to kill Riona, but without success.

Riona’s eyes turned completely white. Her hand was raised although it wasn’t her who controlled it anymore. It was the magic, the diamond. A sign appeared on her wrist, made from her own blood. It looked like a circle with parallel vertical lines in the middle. Then an eye appeared in between them and one angel wing on each exterior side of these lines. It was so painful. As she was touching the ground again, Keres tried another killing spell, but a powerful light came out from Riona’s wrist and stroke Keres. Riona was confused, tears dropping from her eyes. She wasn’t controlling herself.

As the light pushed her outside the temple, Keres got up with a bleeding nose and said:

“I will come and kill you. I will kill you for stealing MY POWER!”, she jumped on her cat and vanished.

Riona’s eyes came back to normal and she fell to her knees, one hand around her wrist and tears in her eyes. She looked at her friends, who were more than scared of what had happened to her, and said in a low, soft voice:

“Help me…” 


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456 Reviews


Points: 69427
Reviews: 456

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Wed Jun 24, 2020 10:14 pm
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hiya MoonIris!

Ooooh, what an intriguing little prologue. It makes me wonder whose perspective it's from. It's got a really negative tone to it, very ominous too. It works as a prologue because I don't see it as being absolutely necessary to read before reading chapter one, so it's nice!

I love stories with orphans, and I think you have a really nice set up here with Riona, who I'm assuming is our main character. She has friends--maybe ones less than friends (Asena is kinda rude!! haha I love the drama). I also think the ending where she's basically being taken over by the magic is really cool.

I have two main comments-
first, I'm wondering about the second person perspective. Mostly just curious at this point (is the “you” character someone in particular maybe? Or is there some purpose for the reader to feel as if they’re in the story?) because right now it feels a little *much*. Obviously I don’t know your future plans for the novel, but I do think it feels a bit odd, especially because it’s not entirely consistent (Riona seems like the main character, and the “you” is very separated).

Next comment I have is I just feel a little lost!! I’m unfamiliar with the world and so reading for the first time, I’m trying to soak up all the little bits—world building, characters, etc. I think so parts are a little fast, so it ends up leaving me in the dark (like the ending scene with the Stymas). Definitely don’t want any info-dumping—balance is key.

Those are really my main thoughts for this chapter. I’m really interested in the world you have set up, and I really liked a lot of the descriptions.

Miss Noncorde was a strict woman. She was tall and thin. Her face would impose respect. She grabbed her black dress, as you couldn’t see her wearing anything else but that color, and climbed the stairs, walked through the beautiful double doors with mosaic instead of glass.


I love her how we get a really good idea of what kind of character Miss Noncorde is. Also the fact that she only wears black—that’s too good xD. Great image here.

Anyway, that’s it for my review! Great work!

Peace,
~EternalRain




MoonIris says...


Hi! Thanks for the review! For your first comment, the prologue person perspective. That has to do with the ending plot twist. I won't say more. As for the world-building, I didn't want to give to much about it in this first chapter but I will in the second. :)



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34 Reviews


Points: 55
Reviews: 34

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Wed Jun 24, 2020 2:27 pm
thepages wrote a review...



Hello, long time since i last read your work, i've got some catchin up to do.
I like this chapter, from the prologue, the rythm of the sentences and the end of it: "i told you it's a story about truth, but i lied. It's a story about death, and sometimes, the paper is the testament." really had me onto this chapter.
The story slowed down a little but as i read on got the speed. I like the part where Riona wins the race, n that where she'z taken on by the diamond.
It also interests me, she's dissapointed when no one stands up to save the diamond from evil, she likes the heroic stories but doesn't like the power. I jst can't wait for the next chapter. :-D




MoonIris says...


Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked it! :)




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