Young Writers Society

Hi EagleFly. First off I LOVED this short story you have here. But I'm going to be honest. I've seen your writing lately and it is great so maybe you could try and make this a little better. Let me no if I'm wrong?

Now a little more description would be nice. I no you've added a lot in your story but there is one or two more things that need to be fixed.

Let's take this paragraph.
I was swimming in the pool, the water was cold against my skin. The late afternoon sun was shining, but the air was muggy. I got out the pool and walked onto the pale orange tiles. They were baking hot under my feet and the drops of water falling off me steamed as they splashed onto the floor. After laying in the burning sun for a while I decided to go under the shade of the balcony.

Now this is where more description is needed.

We don't really no what you wearing. Do you have goggles on, or do you have flippers? You no what I mean?
How do the tiles feel under your feet? Are they ruff, or smooth? I like how you've said they are burning hot though.
Now you say you lay down on the tiles, do you have a towel around you, or are you lying on it.

Now there is one more thing I want to ask. In the beginning of the story you say it's late afternoon, then at the end of the story you say it's night?

But over all this is really good. I could see the thunder clouds rolling in and the lightning flashing across the sky. So keep up the good work.

You friend @Tsunami.

Hello!

First of all, I think you've chosen a really nice title for this piece of work. It's short and simple, but at the same time, pulls me in. I feel like you've used some really nice descriptive words, and you've painted a good picture of the scene at the pool in my head, and also of the thunder and lightning.

As well as this, I think the simile of the lightning glittering like a blade is beautiful and is an example of a subtle simile that has a lot of effect. When reading people's work, sometimes I notice that there are tons and tons of similes, which are all a bit overdone. This simile was perfect. The description at the end of the wind ripping the branches is very nice, and the ghost white flash works very well.

I also must commend you on the last line. It has a sense of finality and terror to it. It makes me want to know what happens next, and I love it when it's up to the reader to wonder where the events of the story will take the protagonist. It's a very good last sentence.

A few small suggestions, however, to make your work even better. I think maybe you could dwell on the descriptions a little longer, really savour them. I think a couple of your descriptions would read a bit better if they were slightly extended, because it feels like you're rushing to get your ideas down a bit. Also, just check your punctuation. I have a couple of examples:

"I was swimming in the pool, the water was cold against my skin."

Maybe instead of the comma, use a semi-colon. It still sounds good with the comma, but I think it would be better if it had the semi-colon.

Also, the line:

"Suddenly a blinding ghost white flash lit up the night sky,"

Try using a comma after "suddenly" because the sentence will maybe just sound a bit better.

I think this piece was really nicely written, and was fun to read. I find it difficult to read anything longer than a few paragraphs on the internet, so this was a really great short story for me. So, if you want, try out the critiques, but in the end, just do you. It's what you want to do that counts.

Keep up the good work!

This is a very good and descriptive short story, that really gives me a glimpse of that storm that you had endured that day. I liked how you used descriptive details such as:

"The thunder boomed and the lightning glittered like a silver blade cutting across the sky." I liked how this not only made a internal image within my mind, but also led my mind to what the lightning actually looked like through the eyes of the beholder. Not to mention, that the use of silver blade made the paragraph actually come alive in the story. Very nice descriptive details. The only thing that I noticed a little bit in this short story was a few run on sentences. Now, technically everyone (including me), are all guilty of writing run on sentences. It usually just happens and you never really notice it until you reread your work. Anyway, so here I noticed a fairly long sentence:

"They were baking hot under my feet and the drops of water falling off me steamed as they splashed onto the floor." now I'm not sure if this is grammatically correct, or if it's just a nit picky thing, but this just kind of looks wrong to me. I think that instead of just saying that whole sentence straight out; I would add a few commas here and there just to show the automated pauses that most people manually make anyhow. Instead say: "They were baking hot under my feet and the drops of water falling off me steamed as they splashed onto the floor." I would've added a comma after "feet", and then would've just gotten rid of "and" all together. So instead it would be: "They were baking hot under my feet(,) (the) drops of water falling off me steamed as they splashed onto the floor." to me this just sounds a little better. Other than that, there is nothing really wrong with this piece. Keep on writing. I would personally like to know the outcome to this storm. Your short story ended on a cliff hanger. I know that this is just a short story and that normally they don't continue, but I'd like to know more about this one in particular. Never stop writing, and continue writing in such a descriptive style.