Ghostly Aficionado chp 1

[pre][feel free to criticize...it's what I need!]

Chapter 1-

“Wow Theor, you really outdid yourself this time!” Jason smiled, looking up at me from his birthday gift. He held up his Beatles hoodie for everyone else to see, beaming proudly.

“Aww it was nothing.” I smiled back at him.

“That’s funny,” Bobby said slightly glaring at me jokingly, “I seem to remember you making a HUGE deal out of what to buy Jase for his birthday—correct me if I’m wrong.” Lisa, Mike, Jessie, Erin and Zach all turned their heads simultaneously to look at me. I sunk lower into my chair trying to disappear. Jason stared at me for a while, smiling amiably before clearing his throat loudly. Aficionado

Epiphany

“Thanks,” he said, glaring ever so slightly at Bobby, “And Bobby, so what if she was making a big deal out of what to buy me? At least her gift is better than yours is. There’s really so much I can do with one sock…”

Bobby smiled again, his dark eyes landing on mine again. “I’m not saying anything.” He said. “Just that I think Theor has a big crush—”

“Ok, and who’s ready to open the rest of his presents?!” Jessie said suddenly, saving my life. Her dark brown hair fell off her shoulders as she reached over to shove another neatly wrapped gift in front of Jason.

“That one’s from me.” Mike nodded his head, “Yea, and me too. Since I helped pay for it.” Zach chimed in.

“Awesome, the whole Beatles album!” Jason gleamed up at them both, “Thanks you guys.”

“And last, but certainly not least, my gift.” Jessie smiled handing him a large, thin, square wrapped up nicely in blue paper with a ribbon holding it together.

“The new Michael Jackson album?” Erin leaned in to get a better look at it.

“That’s cool!” Zach said with a smile. “This must be like your best birthday ever.”

“It is,” Jason smiled again. “Thanks a lot you guys.”

“I think he likes his new hoodie the most though.” Bobby said with a laugh glancing from me to Jason. “It’s the only gift he hasn’t let go of yet.” It was true. My hoodie was still settled neatly in his lap where other gifts had rested on top of it, but then been set down around him as the next ones came.

“Shut up Bobby,” Lisa finally said. “You’re making Jason blush and Theor’s about to fall out of her seat.”

“But you know I’m probably right…” Bobby muttered under his breath crossing his arms. I rolled my eyes and stood up from my chair, straightening my hair a little.

“So, are we ready to go?” I said a little awkward.

“Go where?” Zach and Mike said at the same time.

“Go…around…” I said. “Jase said he wanted to walk around the neighborhood or something like that.”

“Oh yea,” Jason said standing up as well, setting his hoodie down on the chair. “I wanted to go see that one house you were talking about, Erin.”

We all stared at Erin clueless as to what Jason was talking about.

“What house?” Bobby asked.

“A haunted house,” Erin said casually. “I found out about it about a week ago from some kid named Eric Zubberman. He said he’d only been there once with his twelve year old cousin.”

“Is it really haunted?” Jessie asked warily. “I don’t like scary stuff.”

“Well he said nothing happened when they went there.” Erin replied slightly agitated. She hated it every time Jessie mentioned how much she disliked ghosts and ghouls and other haunted, scary things.

“But you can never be too sure…” Bobby said with a smile. “So where’s the house at?”

“About half a mile from here,” said Erin, “Anyone else coming?” We all glanced around at each other before silently agreeing. Whoever wasn’t coming was totally lame.

“I’m jazzed!” Bobby said elatedly. “Let’s go!”

“Wait,” Zach said, “it’s still a school night. Mike and I are already out on a limb because we’re still in trouble from last week’s dinner fiasco with our parents. How long is this gonna take?”

“Probably not long,” Erin said.

“Yea, unless something happens to us…” Bobby cackled.

“Bobby shut up!” Lisa said loudly. “You’re beginning to annoy me.”

“You mean he hasn’t been since the moment he walked through the door?” I said.

“Shut up, Mrs. Theodora Jason Woods” Bobby turned to me and said. I felt my face grow warm, though my skin wasn’t light enough to visibly turn red. He laughed at the look on my face.

“No, Bobby, why don’t you put a sock in it?” Jason finally said. “You’ve been getting on everyone’s nerves all day.”

“Oh really?” Bobby stood up and turned around to glance at everybody. “So I guess that means you don’t want me to come with you guys then, huh?”

“Guess so,” Mike said callously, “I'm sure no one will miss you that much…” Everyone except Bobby, Jason and I laughed at the joke.

“Ha, ha, ha, funny…” Bobby said. “You know what? Fine, I see how it is. You all don’t want me to come, then I won’t come. And I won’t be such a nuisance around you at school either, but don’t come running to me the next time you need someone to sneak into the cafeteria and steal extra an juice for you, or distract the teacher while you’re trying to finish your homework because I’m never talking to you guys ever again.”

“How will we ever manage?” Lisa asked dully. Bobby glared at her coldly before brushing past Jason and out the front door, slamming it behind him.

“You guys, I don’t think we should’ve been that hard on him,” Jessie began, “He was only just playing around with us—”

“Yea, like he always does.” Zach said, “It was kind of funny at first, but then after a while you can only take so much…”

“I agree.” Mike said, rubbing his brown curly hair huffily. “And he always takes his jokes too far and doesn’t know how to stop.” His green eyes stared into my dark brown ones and somewhat softened. The silent air grew uncomfortable around us and Mike cleared his throat again.

“So are we gonna go or…”

“Oh yea, let’s go.” Erin said. She led the way out of the house through the front door and the six of us followed behind. I trailed a little behind Jason and the others with Jessie hanging right by my side.

“Theor, do you like him?” she asked with a smile as big as the world planted on her lips. Her brown hair was turning ginger orange as the setting sun gently bounced through it in different ways.

“Like who?” I looked up at her. Her hazel eyes stared back into mine giving me the you-know-what-I’m-talking-about look, or in this case who.

“Jason!” she said a little too loudly.

“Shhhhh!”

I glanced over at him to make sure he hadn’t heard his name being mentioned. He hadn’t. He was engaged in a conversation with Zach and Mike, smiling amiably at whatever they were talking about.

“Well, do you?” she asked again, “Because I can see it all over your face. And the way you look at him all the time just gives it away…”

“Yes,” I finally admitted it to myself as well, “I do like him.” I’d been trying to hide from the fact for the past two years since I’d met him that I had a crush on him. Of course it was impossible.

“Oooh!” she jumped up and down excitedly. “We should tell him! Oh, that’d be so perfect on his birthday!”

“Jessie, shut up, will you?” I whispered harshly, almost surprising myself as well at how cross I could turn. “I’m not telling him I like him.”

“Why not?” She asked, “Then what’s the point of even liking him if you’re not even gonna tell him?”

“Because,” I said, “If I told him how I felt and he didn’t feel the same way, then our friendship would be ruined forever. Everything would be too awkward afterwards.”

“But what if he did like you back, then what?” I glanced at Jason again, watching his blonde hair blow softly in breeze. He turned around, catching my eye and smiled, but for some reason now, my brain wasn’t working properly and I froze. I looked away from his ice blue eyes, thinking maybe they were the reason for this sudden strange behavior of mine, but even after he’d turned around looking a little confused and maybe even a little disheartened; my heart wouldn’t stop pounding in my chest.

“Oh my gosh, did you just see that?!” Jessie whispered excitedly, squeezing my arm. “He totally just turned around and looked at you! He likes you too!”

“Jess that could’ve meant anything,” I said beginning to shake my head. “He could’ve looked this way to make sure we were both still behind him and not fallen behind or something.”

“But he looked at you and smiled.” She emphasized the point.

“So,” I said. “And besides, it would probably never work out between us anyway.”

“Why?”

“Well in case you haven’t noticed, we’re completely opposite of each other.” I answered.

“So you’re a girl and he’s a guy. That’s the way it’s supposed to work Theor.”

“No, I don’t mean by that,” I said. “I mean— he’s white and I’m…not.”

“So? Do you think he cares?”

“No—”

“Well then why should you?”

“I don’t, it’s just—my parents don’t think it’s right…” I said quietly. “They would never approve of me dating someone like Jason even if he is nice. They aren’t racist or anything, they just believe that blacks should only go with other black people and whites should stick with whites because that’s the way society’s always been for them.”

“I understand…” Jessie said, “But I’m sure since they know Jase and don’t really have a problem with him, they’d let you go out one day. And plus, he’s your age and everything. All the black guys at Chatsworth are at least three years older than you. At least he’s seventeen now and you’re sixteen. ”

“Yea…” I said. Jason and the others all stopped walking and waited for the two of us to catch up to them, since we really had fallen behind lost in our conversation.

“Hurry up slow pokes.” Mike said. “We don’t have all day. The sun’s already starting to set!”

“Sorry,” I apologized when we’d reached them.

“It’s ok,” Erin said, “It’s not like we have far to walk anyways. We’re here.” [/pre]

Comments & reviews · 5
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200397
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Hey, Monstrar! I'll be back to read this later. I'm excited to critique it!

~Sunny

don't space it out as much

overal great good to a story

Very interesting LOL. I really liked it. Good content in the story (which is very important in writing any kind of story.) Well Done i say. I try to say that to most peole even though they can writie the most annoying kind of wring in the world. Now back to your story. There is nothing to crtique here.
Good Job. From SimonCowellLuver

Just call me Simon

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Aly_Tobias
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Not too much to criticize here. Your description in the story is a little weak...may I suggest looking through thesaruses or works from the Romanticism era to see some good descriptive words to maybe help your creativity and give you a feel for good despriptions and imagery?

Oh and the rules are that you have to post two reviews to every story part that you post so you might want to get those up before you post any more. I honestly don't care, but it is the rules and some people are sticklers, ya know? So I just don't want you to get yelled at for something stupid.

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MidnightVampire
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Um... I haven't been able to critique this. It might help if you format it a little bit differently.
Sorry.



To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.
— Tony Dorsett