Bully Blues

Heya Mona!

This poem looked like it was a personal experience, but also sort of seemed violent. That's just my opinion, but I think there could have been other ways to react to the situation.

Your writing was very honest, though, on how you thought about this bully. The poem itself can be modified a tad with punctuation, but other than that it had a good rhythm, like TL said. Your structure is interesting visually and as a poem, so stick to it. The caps seemed to be unneeded, so you could change it with italics to show that it's a sound.

Nit-Picks:

The word coming out of his mouth are rough

He thinks he's so tough

I kick and punch try to fight his words

but it doesn't work

Your spacing near "out" and "and" is too much.

Every time he talks smack to me

He makes me so depressed So stressed

I'm used to being bullied

But the way he treats me makes me feel like a mess

Please use proper punctuation. This should be edited to look like this:

"Every time he talks smack to me
he makes me so depressed, so stressed.
I'm used to being bullied,
but the way he treats me makes me feel like a mess."

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

The full caps is a little annoying and as TL G-Wooster said childish.

I liked the subject of your poem it was creative, though I think you should get deeper into it, be a little more descriptive.

To me he's a big fat jerk
everyone else is his friend
But me I feel like his taunting will never end

I like that stanza it's my favorite

I can't speak... UP for myself
don't let him take me over
Next time he messes with me
I'll SNAP then give him a SLAP

That stanza didn't have very good transitions mostly form the first line to the second and from the second to the third.

Hai! Welcome to Yewis! (If you don't call YWS Yewis people are liable to spam your guestbook with Yewis chants).

One of The Rules is that you review at least two works on here before posting any of your own, and after that to review twice as much as you post. Also, it's kind of frowned on to put polls on your literary posts.


Poem-wise... It didn't really do much for me, but I'm a philistine where poetry's concerned. It felt more like Lyrics than Lyric Poetry, as though you saw this as an actual song. Some parts were a little childish, like:

I'll SNAP then give him a SLAP

and

He goes flying across the room

hits his head then...



CRACK

The capitalization and the rhyme of "snap" and "slap" came across as a bit amateur, overexaggerated.


However, the rest of it had a good beat and a strong rhythm. The subject could be developed more, and I think it would work better without the rhymes.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but it's only to help. PM me if you have any questions!