I feel my voice begin to shake. My hands begin to sweat, and the familiar words I’ve rehearsed become jumbled and foreign. Public speaking. It makes the most outgoing people timid, and the shy ones physically sick. But why? Why do we all feel the butterflies, nausea, and embarrassment when we approach our peers? What is so scary about expressing our views, experiences, and creativity? I believe most of us are afraid of judgment. Every day we see people bullied, jeered at, and gossiped about because of things they say, do, or believe in, and it scares us when it’s finally our turn to share those things. We crave acceptance and appreciation. We strive for others to look at us and say “Wow, I wish I could be like her/him.” Public speaking threatens that dream. What if our poem is actually really stupid? What if our world-view contradicts our audience’s? We are scared. We are scared of not being perfect in everyone else’s eyes. In the end though, who cares? No one is perfect. If you get up there and say what needs to be said, nobody can judge you, because you’re now one step ahead of everyone else. If they judge and laugh, who cares? Not everyone will disagree or dislike what you have to say. A lot of people will appreciate what you have to say. More than you think actually. So now what is your excuse? It’s time to take a deep breath, gather our thoughts, and speak.
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I think that you should change a couple of things. First, this has to be organized in paragraphs or no one will like to look at it visually. This looks like about 2-3 paragraphs depending on how you divide it. There are two fragments in your paper that are not acceptable at all.
They are: Public speaking and But why? You have to change these into complete sentences. These are the kind of errors teachers look for. Also I don't think you should use the word stupid in your essay. You used it in: "What if our poem is actually really stupid?" That offended me, the reader for using that word and I'm pretty sure that this would offend your teacher also. I wouldn't like anyone to think that my poem is stupid or even day that.
Other than those things, your paper is error-free and I would like to compliment you on some things. I am very happy that you addressed the root cause of why we have a fear or public speaking. You really had to dig deep in your mind and analyze why this happens to you,me, and all of us. I like the last sentence. It motivates me to go and speak!
Hope this helps.
Hello.
First things first, essays require paragraphs to separate ideas. Every time you change topic, you should start a new paragraph. You currently change ideas in here four times, and you have one giant paragraph. That makes this piece extremely difficult to read and follow, because there is no visual indication for how many ideas are presented and there's no place we get a break.
Next up, there's this little thing called burden of proof. Burden of proof is a concept that means you, the essay writer, must provide enough proof to convince us of your side. This essay lacks such proof; your argument, in general, makes sense, but it doesn't have enough evidence to truly support it. You've kept your argument to hypotheticals and assumptions, which are fine for early essays but will not be enough the older you get.
You also use first person to try and build sympathy, which is a literary technique that falls out of use the older you get. In some types of essays, you cannot use first person at all. Other types do allow first person, but these are very specific kinds of essays that have certain rules— they're personal pieces that come from your own experience, with you the author establishing your authority on a topic. When you're dealing more with theory, as you are here, then third person is likely more appropriate.
Overall, the biggest issue here is the lack of paragraphs. Once you've split this up into proper chunks, then this will be infinitely easier to read. The rest are suggestions and things to keep in mind for future essays: the higher your grade level, the more these principles apply. Right now you're only barely convincing me; if your examples were stronger and more numerous, you'd have me convinced.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey