Published June 24, 2010
The room will be dark, remember that. It will be dark to avoid anything... unpleasant. You will walk in, despite this fact. There will be enough light to see. But just barely. There will be a table in the centre of the room. You won't go near it. Walk around. The chandelier that will be hanging above it won't be illuminated, but it will swing with no breeze and no machinery. Along the sides of the room, there will be exactly thirteen candle holders. If you were to go near them, they would feel warm, but there will be no flame or even candles. If you sense a presence, you will ignore it. Don't walk towards it; just continue forward. There will be no one else in the room.
It will smell of something rotten and earthy. But you will continue to move forward, understood? At the far end of the room, past the table, past the candle holders with no candles to hold, there will be two tall doors with floor-to-ceiling windows. They will swing open wide when you near them. It will be then where you will see the source of the smell. There will be a balcony that looms over ten thousand acres of land. You won't be able to see the ground. But it will smell even worse now. Upon further inspection, you will see that the ten thousand acres is filled with bodies. Some will be farther along the cycle of decomposition. Others will be newer and fresher.
You will walk out onto the balcony despite this. There will be no railings. If you were to look to the sky, it will be a dark mix of purple and blood red. The smell will only get stronger. Once you start walking to the edge, a brick will place itself in front of you, creating a bridge. This bridge will continue for three miles exactly, and you are to walk the entire way. It will stop above a dark abyss. You will not be able to see the bottom, but it will glow even if it's black. The air will seem lighter there, but you are not to fall in. Of course, this doesn't mean you won't. A talisman will appear in your hand. It will be made of gold and silver and in the shape of a skull. You will sense a presence beside you. You are to ignore it, even if you can't. You will drop the talisman into the abyss.
The presence will fall after it, dragging you along with it. It will bring the talisman back, but you will fall victim to the same fate as the rest of those who have tried before.
Good luck.
I wanted to try something a bit different. So I wrote a short story in second person future tense.
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Canary word: Present
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Hey there! FS to review!
I like this. I don't normally go for the short stories, but the first line captured me! And as for the second person, well, I don't think you could have done better! I enjoyed reading this, though, like I said, I don't normally read short stories. Hope to read more of your stories! You have talent, and I love the way you show it. I really have nothing bad to say about it, though I should say, I'm not the best reviewer. Maybe you shouldn't take advise from me, but I will give you this piece of advise. A good story never dies.
Keep up the good work!
~FS~
Hi there,
Wow, I've been out of the reviewing business for a while, but Reviewing Sunday has stepped the pressure up, so I guess I'm here.
So, this isn't much of a story, more of an undeveloped idea that needs to be tapped into to build the story. Your use of second person future tense narration is not really a story-telling one. I can't really see this as any sort of progression which forms a larger picture.
It really seems to merely be a prophecy or image that stands independently and doesn't really have such a potent effect.
I'd suggest fleshing out on the image and building a full story out of this. Describe and utilize characters and allow the reader to truly connect with your story.
Have a great one!
I enjoyed this experimental piece of writing. I think that it is interesting to imagine who the main character, the voice of the writing is talking to.Maybe it is someones memory or conscience.
I don't think that you need to say that you need to ignore the presence. and I think that you should change even if you can't to even if you feel like you can't.
Have a great day. Fiction
I really like the use of second person/future tense. Wonderfully unique. At least, I haven't read anything like this before. As for anything grammar related, I can't find anything blatantly incorrect.
The only thing in particular I will suggest is this:
Perhaps, to avoid redundancy, you could edit it to be:
"The presence will fall after it, dragging you along."
I really enjoyed this piece!