*
I can’t remember how it felt to go under.
I can’t remember the screams - my screams.
I can’t remember the waves pressing against me, closing in on my lungs.
I can’t remember the guard trying to revive me.
I can’t remember being taken in the ambulance, and driven to the hospital.
I can’t remember any of it, I heard mum say I'd hit my head. I can’t remember.
*
Day 1
The doctors told mum I was in a coma, mum cried. Mum cried a lot. She sat by my bed in the intensive care unit, she told me I'd hit my head, she told me the doctors put me on life support. She told me she wouldn’t give up, and then she left.
Day 4
Mum brought Gran and Gramps to see me today. They talked about me, like I wasn’t there, as I lay unmoving in the bed beside them.
Day 7
Mum didn’t come today. I don’t know why, but she didn’t come, maybe she took Sam to school, but I don’t know. She didn’t come, she didn’t talk to me.
Day 8
The doctor talked about me today - not to me of course, but to the nurse. He said my vitals were improving. The nurse smiled at me, she knew I think, she knew I could see her. Mum doesn’t, she doesn’t know I’m here, she’s like the doctors. She didn’t come for long today, she just kissed me on the cheek and left.
Day 11
Mum came - she comes most days now. But she doesn’t talk to me, she kisses me on the cheek and mumbles something to the doctor and then she cries. She cries a lot - maybe that’s why she hasn’t brought Sam.
Day 12
I changed wards today, I’m not in intensive care anymore - the doctors said all my injuries were stable, that there was no need to panic. Mum didn’t cry as much today, she almost smiled at one point. Maybe she’ll bring Sam. I hope she does, soon.
Day 16
Sam came to see me today. He gave me a hug. He told me all his friends in grade two were praying for me. He told me it was going to be okay.
Day 17
Sam came with Gran and Gramps. Sam brought me his favourite teddy.
Day 23
Mum, Sam, Gran and Gramps come everyday, but they don’t stay long. Sam brings me things, little parts of him. Soon there’ll be nothing left to give.
Day 24
Sam came alone today. He told me a story about angels. He said they’d come for me and bring me back to him.
Day 25
Sam didn’t come today. No-one came. I’m alone. Sam’s angels aren’t here.
Day 27
It’s getting harder, blurrier, the days come in an out like the waves. It’s more like a dream now, more like a nightmare.
Day 30
I’m not waking up. I miss Sam, and Mum, and Gran and Gramps. But I’m not going to wake up - I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better couldn’t be a better daughter, I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better sister, I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better granddaughter.
I’m sorry you can’t hear this, and I’m sorry you’ll never know. I’m going to die - but I’ve made my decision. I loved my life, and I’m sorry the angels Sam promised me haven’t come.
I’m sorry I never said good-bye.
I’m sorry I gave up.
*
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
This is a very interesting piece of work. I really like the idea you have. The people above me have mentioned most of what I was thinking of saying anyways, so I'll try not to repeat it all! In a way, I like the short descriptions of each day. I mean, the girl is dying so there won't be much activity, so basing it on her family and doctors is quite clever. I do think you should add more though. More as in how the girl is feeling. She's clearly aware of people talking to her, of who is at her bedside. Describe her emotions more. It must be frustrating to hear them and not give them words of comfort. Can she smell her mother's perfume? Could that possibly bring back touching home memories, to connect the reader to the family even more. When her brother comes, does that give her more strength to keep fighting, if only not to leave him alone and without a sister? There is a number of things you could do with this to strengthen the reader's connection both with the girl and with the family. The ending is beautifully done, but again I think you could expand it. Why did she die? Did her heart give up on her? Nurses and doctors, did they try to revive her? Did she feel them pressing against her chest. Did she feel the shocks to her heart? All in all, it's very unique and quite touching. But I think it has the potential to be amazing.
I like this! It's really interesting and it really hooked me in!
The only thing that I could see was that you might want to make your diffrent days more meatier!
A day has more in it than just that!
I loved it overall!
Thanks for the reviews guys! They're really helpfull, and I'll keep all of what you've said in mind.
Hey its Kakagirl here to review,
I must say I found your story really moving. It was quite unique in the fact that I haven't seen many infact any write like this before, it's different but I quite like it. ONE thing; you didn't give us much of a chance to really understand what happened to the MC. All we know is that she was drowning and she got saved and was in a coma. Maybe try add in a bit more there to help us dig deeper and really understand what she is going through.
I reallly enjoyed the simplicity of each day, how it was only one or two lines implicating how long and boring her days must have been. I enjoyed the bit where you said;
"Sam's angels aren't here,"
I found that really nice, really moving.
This is a really fantastic piece and very well written. My advice is to just re-read over and add in a bit more information so we can 'feel' the story from her perspective abit more.
Great work,
Kaka X x
Good luck reviewing
Hi, this is a nice idea, but i found it quite repetitive.
Day 1- Mum came today.
Day 2 - Gran came today.
Day 3 - Mum didn't come today.
Day 4 - Gran didn't come today but Mum came today, an elephant came today.
It gets a bit boring to read. It think it would be better if your MC did remember the accident. Then you could give more details on it: how she felt, what happened, what she thinks about it now etc.
Also generally if a piece of writing is in the first person, it's to let the reader get to know the person speaking more. Their thoughts and feelings give an insight into their character. In your story there isn't really any of that.
It kind of just ends abruptly too. And if she's going to die, how is she telling the story?
It's a nice idea, it just needs a bit of work.
wow, this was really good and very moving i loved how you did the ending,talking to her family even though they couldnt hear her. the only problems were that you kept changing tense from past to present and a couple of scentences didnt make sense.
below is how i would change it.
Spoiler
only little things, so not too bad on the whole i thought it was great