Today, I realised,
That I am lost.
Not today, I don't have my way.
Nor have I for many days.
Some days are good,
They are fun, beautiful, bright.
But some days I am tired.
Some days, I don't want to think that,
'There is something wrong with me'.
But that is not the full truth. At least, I don't think so.
I am okay, I am alright,
I'm just stuck in my stupid plight.
The days I loose, I will rewrite,
As many people do.. just not tonight.
I'll redeem myself from disaray,
Some day that is so far away.
Some day, that's just... not today.
(I am legitimately fine, there is nothing wrong with me, this is just something stupid I'm trying out for a character :3)
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.
So, first thing I notice is that well, nothing! I did not notice a single thing that was wrong from the poem! It flowed rather well and had me enticed from the first line or two. It was well written too and I think my favorite line would have to be "I'm just stuck in my stupid plight." This line really speaks to me so, thats why it would be my favorite.
Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, you/you to be character is sinking. They are barely holding onto the dock that stands above a lake, a lake that is going to drown them. Sometimes you wish that the day would end so a better one would arrive and others, well, others you tell yourself that you are fine when really, you really really aren't. Some days for you are so happy, bright and are filled with sunshine and pinky, fluffy unicorns while others are so bleak, dull and filled with monsters cornering you at every turn. You just want to be relatively happy for a long while again but that just feels like it will never happen. Ever. You just want peace for a short while and is that too much to ask for at the moment?
Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
Sorry for such a late reply, but the way you described the meaning of the poem was basically hitting the nail on the head - props to you! (Sidenote: I love the way you write - It's relatable and simple - It's so cute!)
Thank you!
If you post anymore poems, would you mind tagging me?
Sure will! Well, if I can figure it out that is.. :p
All you need is @ symbol and then type in the username correctly!
@Mmellowme
Oh awesome! Cheers!
Hello there, I think you did a good job. I like the over all theme and meaning behind it. I think a lot of people could relate to it. And like demongoddess said it just needs some grammar and flow fixes. Also the rhyme scheme confused me too how you went from not having it to rhyming in the end. Also I have a couple more notes....
"That I am lost." Maybe just "I am lost"
"Some days, I don't want to think that" Maybe take out "that"
'There is something wrong with me'. Use " instead of '
"But that is not the full truth. At least, I don't think so". Maybe try this instead
But that is not the full truth.
At least, I don't think so.
"disaray" - disarray*
Anyways to wrap this up good job. I'm glad there's nothing wrong with you, and I hope to see more from you in the future.
Hello Mmellowme! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
Today, I realised,
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
That I am lost.
Not today, I don't have my way.
Nor have I for many days.
{Add a "--" here to separate stanzas}
Some days are good,
They are fun, beautiful, bright.
But some days I am tired.
Some days, I don't want to think that,
{"}There is something wrong with me{."}
But that is not the full truth. At least, I don't think so.
{--}
I am okay, I am alright,
I'm just stuck in my stupid plight.
The days I loose, I will rewrite,
As many people do.. just not tonight. {Woah, there's a rhyme scheme? The beginning of the poem doesn't rhyme, so I assumed it was lyrical}
{--}
I'll redeem myself from disar{r}ay,
Some day that is so far away.
Some day, that's just... not today.
(I am legitimately fine, there is nothing wrong with me, this is just something stupid I'm trying out for a character :3) {Love the cat face thing going on there}
Overall, pretty good, but you can work on your grammar, flow, and rhyme scheme. Either the whole poem needs a rhyme scheme or none at all. This extremely confused me when I came upon it so I would recommend either taking the end's rhyme scheme out or give the beginning a rhyme scheme, as it doesn't rhyme at all.
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
I think you did a very good job for something that is new for you.