Published June 4, 2013
In her backyard swung a crumbling rubber tire swing, the black fading to grey, the rope rubbed smooth after so many uses. The grass had grown above ankle height since she had last mowed. The picnic table still sunk in the middle from the meals smothered in gossip and story telling by six people all at once. Her shack, the yellow boards sun-bleached from the endless summers she spent in pure bliss, sat in the back corner, right where it had been left, a perfect sanctuary since her dad had built it with her that spring break so long ago.
On the porch, looking out at the yard she knew so well, seemed like a different world now. The protected shed was no more than a yellow structure marring the landscape, the tire swing was a hazard, the picnic table no more than a perilous outdoor dining table.
Alysandra missed her sister. When she said she was leaving, it was not supposed to hurt the way it did now. Now senior year was here and she had to deal with all of the stress and drama without her sister down the hallway. She couldn’t bear to look at the now foreign yard, no longer getting ready to meet Autumn in the shed.
Everything was just how she had left it only a few weeks ago. No one dared to touch her precious memories. Mom shuffled through the ever-growing grass in her old pink slippers every morning to water the garden, mowing was her job, not Mom’s. Dad stayed on the sidewalk to get to his car in the morning, glancing at the picnic table as he passed without any plans on correcting the massive dip in the middle. Aaron, the eldest brother, would come home on the weekends but never bothered to change out the tire swing. Anton, the youngest, a freshman in high school and directly below her in family lineage, would walk to the back and look at the shed but never raided her personal space the way he used to before she left.
The phone shook Alysandra back into reality. She ran into the house to get her phone off the charger. Before she was even in the door, a curious eye had invaded to quiet yard.
He pressed his face against the rough wooden fence to get a glimpse of her yard. He had only been in it twice but he longed to feel the grass she walked upon and touch the swing where she thought so vigorously. To touch the shed only nine feet away was a luxury too overwhelming to even dwell upon. He waited until Alysandra was satisfactorily indoors before stepping on a small stool he had confiscated from the kitchen. He rested his head on his hands on the top of the fence.
She had a stool too. She kept it in the shed. She used to talk to him every so often but never for extended periods of time. She was always busy, day in and day out. Now she couldn’t even speak to her sister or brothers.
The very first day they officially met, he happened to glance over from his porch while doing homework to she her wander through the grass, freshly cut and step onto the lower part of the swing. She slipped her legs in the hole one at a time to sift through a muddled thought in the tranquility of the gently swaying to and fro.
Suddenly she sat up with an epitome’ and the need for a second opinion. She wriggled out of the swing and ran to the door. She stood there for a second before turning back, dejection written across her face. He looked to his homework and looked up again. With her there he couldn’t even tell what he was supposed to be studying. She looked over the fence from her porch at the same moment and her gaze instantly locked onto him.
She ran to the fence waving one arm wildly above her head. “Hey you!” He looked around even though no one was even in any of the yards nearby. He still remembered the question clearly as if she were still on the other side of the fence peering eagerly in for the answer she so desired. “If I were to work for an entire year with a plan to buy one big thing and I saved all of my money for it, do you think I could get it?” He got up and walked over.
“Well that depends-”
“If I were to save for a trip to New York City?”
“Well, I guess so but, who would you go visit?”
“Nobody, I would just go!”
“Who would you stay with?”
“Myself in a hotel.”
“Would your parents be cool with that?”
“Who cares! I would be old enough by then to do what I want!” She was so sure of herself and seemed fairly determined that no matter how he answered, she would be in New York City by this time next year.
They chatted over the fence for a good half an hour. Not good, wonderful. Benjamin never forgot that conversation even though it and a million other little talks had passed.
Benjamin finished gazing at her empty yard and hopped down to take the stool back into the kitchen before his mother whined about the cupboards being unacceptable for any normal human being.
This world is a chaotic place to be and rarely very friendly to those who cannot or will not adapt. She seemed to have acclimated very well as he watched her come outside after school some days but the world did not agree.
He stood on his porch, smiling at the fading image of his friendly neighbor before walking inside, stool still in hand.
Alysandra finished her call with one statement, “I have to go, I think the neighbor’s watching.” She hung up and glared at the swinging screen door across the fence. She never liked the way Benjamin had lurked around outside, apparently in hopes of chatting with her sister. He had no right to talk to her in the first place. He ruined her life and she had to get him out of the way quick so he would not be his self and ruin Autumn’s funeral.
(It does not feel like a complete chapter. What could I add to make it more interesting and full? Also, I don't like the conversation but I don't know how to fix it.)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
You have done an amazing job with this piece of literature !



Your whole story made me see what they were seeing and i truly think that you did an amazing job. Your use of imagery and the way you wrote it is awesome.
I don't see anything wrong with this piece other then it being a little "boring" in some places. I think that if you went through and re worked it a bit it would be up to full potential
I hope that in the future when i get enough points to post my work that you will kindly read/review it and tell me what you think
thanks , and good luck
Young mom 1210
I really enjoyed this piece of literature. While I was reading through this I could picture everything that was happening in my head. It almost felt right I was right there while it was all happening. It felt this way because of how you described everything that happened. I believe you did this by using the basic attributes of imagery.
I do however think that this piece is a little plain. I mean sense it is the beginning of the book it should have some more mind touchers or attention grabbers. You could probley make it a little more exciting by throwing in some character actions. You could put these inbetween the conversations.
However this piece of literature has good potential. After reading this I believe that the author has outstanding potential. All you need is a little practice and you will be one of the best. I know this book is far from being done so I wish you good luck.
Thank you! I am trying to come up with a real plot and some conflicts and then I will know what I really want to do for attention grabbers. Thank you again!
I really like your use of imagery (senses of touch, sight, etc.), but you might need a stronger attention grabber. It's good to add some conversation and stuff, but it might be a little too bland-I suggest you can add some more adjectives and stuff, and perhaps what the characters did in between their lines?
The ending is a little bit abrupt, so perhaps you could work on that. But I understand this is a work in progress, so you could change that later.
Thank you! I will rework it when I get a chance and edit it here! Thank you again!