Published May 6, 2005
this definately isn't going to be up to quo...I need help turning all of my thoughts into a real poem
It’s hard to talk about it
When I’m so busy being pissed off
And you want to talk about it all right now
Like it’s just so easily fixed that all you have to do is
Say you’re sorry and it’s over
It isn’t that easy
I need to know that it isn’t going to happen again
But I know that it is
That’s just how you are
It doesn’t end
Though you say you’re sorry
Next time you get mad at me
It’s like here we go again
And I know for a fact
That we can be best friends right now
And tomorrow you may be spreading shit about me
And there’s nothing I can do about it
All I can do is forgive you
Time and time and time and time again
Forgive you
But I’m so tired of it
Because I care for you so much
And I want us to be together
We’re like…destined
But if you’re going to tread me a slow street slut
Every time you think I’m wrong
And expect to apologize and make it all better
You’re going to have to go
Because as much as I care for you
As much as we have been together
As much as destiny pulls us closer and closer with each passing day
I need my self-esteem
And I don’t need you
This is your last chance
It has to be
But I’ve said that so many times before…
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Hey there misty.
Before I can even start to jump into the dramatic viewpoint of the speaker, we have to talk about the lack of punctuation. The only piece of punctuation that I see here is the ellipsis, one in the middle and at the end, which isn't doing all that much for the effect of the poem. But you really do need a better use of commas and periods, because the line splits aren't creating enough effect for the flow. And the flow is really heavily effected in this poem for a lot of reasons.
Outside of punctuation, next issue is going to be the line length, which is nowhere near uniform. Having lines that are super long as compared to the shorter 4 word long lines, create a choppy feel when the reader tries to make their way through this. And the choppy feel to the flow also comes from the capitalization, which makes it so that the reader is starting a new sentence with every line split. What you want to be happening is the lines flowing together, since these ideas are supposed to be linked?
I'm not sure how to approach the subject from the speaker because while it's rather dramatic, it doesn't display that much to the reader. The speaker has been hurt by this other person and they want to communicate and there's all sorts of crap happening there. But it's unfortunately just like every single other poem out there on the market, so I don't see any aspect that's supposed to be a shocker to the audience.
That's what's missing here.
That's all I can comment for now.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
I was just looking through random pages when i found this, and decided to comment on it. This poem was unorganzied, and bit weird, but not overall bad. I liked the message in it.
It was a bit unorganized, but it wasn't bad. The second to the last stanza was my favorite. The beginning was kind of boring though, because it was a pretty broad overview of things that happened. It's like you're trying to communicate too many things at once, so you don't go very in depth on anything.
"I need to know that it isn’t going to happen again
But I know that it is
That’s just how you are
It doesn’t end
Though you say you’re sorry
Next time you get mad at me
It’s like here we go again"
This was kind of confusing, because you're trying not to directly address anything. You could try explaining a bit more the situation.
"All I can do is forgive you
Time and time and time and time again
Forgive you "
I thought there were a bit too many times. Maybe you could just have 3 times, or even just 2?
So overall, it was alright, but it was pretty confusing because I don't know any part of your problem, yet you don't really hint on anything else besides a broad point.