Published March 24, 2006
George decided to perm his hair the night before the wedding. It was getting long and shaggy, quite like it had been in his younger, surfing days. His bride-to-be would have preferred if he just cut it, but then, his bride-to-be would prefer a lot of things, namely that she didn’t have to marry him.
He decided to do a simple home perm, eight dollars and straight out of the box. But there was nothing to use to curl it! George was less than thrilled about going back to the department store to buy curlers, but then it would be all worth it when he got the results. Six dollars later the long, aggravating process began.
His little bride Alice sat on his bed, duct-tape over her mouth. Her eyes were wide and blue, and he smiled back at her and gave her the thumbs up. She kicked her feet, no good since they were bound together with one of his old, long-sleeved shirts, her shoulders wrapped back against the backboard of his bed.
Alice was a pretty girl. George met her in church that Sunday just before Easter. She was a choir girl, beautiful in her long, white robes. Her hair, deep blonde and curled, had hung lightly on her shoulders. Her voice was inaudible about the rest, but her face shone pure and bright, and George loved her. More importantly, George wanted her.
He’d seen her talking to a young boy after church. Fourteen or fifteen, he must have been about her age. He was tall and tanned, and more importantly his hair was longish and tightly curled in tiny ringlets. The two were standing behind the church, and suddenly the little lad leaned down and kissed Alice, right on the lips.
George decided to perm his hair the night before the wedding. After clubbing that little curly-haired bastard and dragging Alice away from the church, shoving her in the back of his car and driving away, he’d decided that he had to. Alice only liked curly-haired men, he realized. And he would do anything for his little child bride.
It came out great. The ringlets were tiny like the young man’s, and before he went to her bed to ravage her, he took a picture of his smiling face. Little Alice would love him now. She had to. The room smelled of bitter chemicals and his scalp was burning, but if that was what it took to win her, he would do it.
He would do anything for Alice. He would give her the moon. She knew that now.
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was....something that made me go take a shower after reading that last paragraph. You do a wonderful job capturing this idea here...a little too good of a job of portraying how the mind of some *bleep* like that would be thinking of his profession shall we say. So yaa...that's all. First Impression: I am shooketh.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Instant alarm bells there. Well you certainly have a very catchy opening paragraph right here.
Casual description of kidnapped girl is casual...and creepy.
Well that's a good description there.
Nice sneaky way to let us know her age.
This is both funny and terrifying at the same time.
*Picks up NERF Gun, writes the name George on a cardboard target and kills it repeatedly before taking a shower and coming back*
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Okay so the flow of this thing was spot on and definitely really easy to figure what was going on. The language was perfect for maximizing the creep factor. The emotions and personality of this George were captured scarily well. And that's all Imma say here. Its a great story but also not a great story if you get what I mean.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
LOL. I love this. It's creepy and hilarious and... wow. I love the flashback, lol. Poor girl. Cute story, though. Even if it is a bit... well... you know.
Freaky..but awesome.
Too bad his name wasn't Al, considering it was a picture of weird Al yankovich... or something like that...
Freaky but I liked it... then again I'm eating rock candy and I'm feeling quite weird.
Whoa. That is so very scary...
Definately not liking George.
Hmm. One thing I did notice:
^ I may be wrong, but I think you should be using the pluperfect here. That is to say: had decided... had been nothing to use... had been less than thrilled... process had begun.
Also, in the same paragraph... I think you should put: it would all be worth it... just a bit of change in word order so it sounds a little better.
Apart from that though... I can't seem to find anything else.
^ This is a great ending. Okay, so it's very very freaky but it's a good way to end - seems to be showing his thoughts a little - and I'd say it gives what I would think to be the desired effect in this case.
Good luck with the writing challenge
~KayJuran~