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Life-a rhyming poem

by Misty


Life
By Misty Lynn Ellingburg


Life-seems like
Somewhere to be without being
As though inside a portrait
Watching without seeing
As though locked inside myself
Touching without feeling
Something lacking meaning
And the voice inside me is screaming
And I hear it without listening
And shut it away
Shut me away
Push you away
Just get away


*all right, I hope this doesn't come across as pointless with no real emotion (as one of my teachers said that it did) because it really does mean a lot to me. If it really does lack emotion, or if it feels false, will you please tell me how to make it feel more...full?


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Sun Dec 11, 2011 6:13 am
AlfredSymon wrote a review...



Hello there, Misty, so, um about your poem, "Life", well first, I liked it, but sooner or later, I found out things that I didn't like much.

Somewhere to be without being
As though inside a portrait
Watching without seeing
As though locked inside myself
Touching without feeling
Something lacking meaning
And the voice inside me is screaming
And I hear it without listening


The meaning you're trying to exemplify from this part is an opposition from what people normally does. Touching without feeling etc. I loved the essence of these verses, but the last two verses didn't fit the pattern. The next verse reads:

And shut it away


I would like it better if you simply said:

And the voice inside me is screaming;
I hear it without listening
And shut it away


It's my opinion, dear. It was what appeared in my mind when I read it.

Anyways, I was quite shocked that this poem was on of your earlier works. It #8040BF ">fascinates me because the poem's essence, in my opinion, seems so emotional yet very real that it disturbed me, in a good way of course :)

I am looking forward into seeing your newer works.

Loving your poem,
Al




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Sun Dec 11, 2011 5:47 am
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hopelost wrote a review...



hiya poets there. i have a question to ask. if someone want to start writing rhyming poems, how can he get the imagination? is there any practice behind or its natural. and what about funny rhyming poems is there any poet out there who use to write original poems that rhyme and funny as well




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Sat Feb 05, 2011 8:52 am
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Jennya wrote a review...



I quite liked it. I really understood what you where trying to put across because I feel like that a lot of the time.
Although i do think you should change the first two lines. They don't really sound that great. I would also suggest structuring rhymes and using 'ing' less because it does get tedious. Although personally i do like the repetition of words 'away' and 'and' they really help to get that monotonous emotionless and meaningless felling across.

Good Work!




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Fri Feb 04, 2011 11:02 am
Misty says...



I was fifteen when I wrote this and honestly haven't looked at it in six years. But thanks?




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Thu Feb 03, 2011 1:47 am
PandaRawr wrote a review...



[s]This is hard to understand. Well, not truly, but I fear it is hard to review on. This peice could be very contridicting. True, there is no momentum or change from start to finish, but also true is that not life itself? Contridicting? Going 90 mph one minute and at a standstill the next? Truly this can only be reviewed or judged by one person at a time. This could mean anything to anyone. I personaly liked it
<Always Nelissa>




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Wed Jan 26, 2005 9:00 pm
scissorquiz says...



maybe next time try to rhyme with more than words that end in 'ing'?




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Wed Jan 26, 2005 8:00 pm
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Misty says...



ty, great advice you guys.




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Wed Jan 26, 2005 6:20 am
Chevy wrote a review...



Life-seems like
Somewhere to be without being

Not really a good beginning...seriously set the stage for a really lame poem. It kind of sounded like the beginning to a dialogue as well.
As though inside a portrait
Watching without seeing
As though locked inside myself

The two "as thoughs" seemed repetitive.
And the voice inside me is screaming
And I hear it without listening
And shut it away

This was the only part of the poem I liked..and the only part I really enjoyed...just take out the "Ands" and it flows much better.




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Wed Jan 26, 2005 2:19 am
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Incandescence wrote a review...



I'm very leery of telling you what to change. If it means a lot to you, then I don't want to get involved, too much. The problem with the poem was that it lacked a purpose. It told us what your life is. What about WHY it's the way it is. What about how it makes you feel? You just gave metaphors and tended to get a little side-tracked with the comparisons (i.e. "Something lacking meaning"). Don't describe what a single thing is. Life can't be summed up in a poem. Unless you're poem is blunt and to the point, which usually means not good. Your life will be summed up with all the events you chronicle. You've not lived but a mere 15 years, and yet you know what your life is. Don't think of your life. Think of the here and now. Don't focus on the large picture, focus on the pixels that make it. That is what poetry is.





Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.
— Antonio Machado