Published March 29, 2005
I don’t really know how to feel you, but maybe by feel
I mean show you how I feel, I’ve already touched
you, and kissed you, like exotic honey from
a forbidden grove, I’ve rubbed you, sensed you,
felt the back of my jeans rubbing the front
of yours like a sensual mid-eastern mating dance
I guess I was marking my territory
I wonder if I need to do more now, just
to appease you, take care of you, this sweet
tenderness I feel towards you is like an unquenchable
thirst. But I don’t need to do anything for you; you are
not really mine. You were only all for me for those few
tender moments as I made an idiot of myself. You were
worth it.
Your hand in mine felt sticky with sweat and nerves.
I don’t even know if I like you that way anymore. Maybe
it was just the intoxicating glow of the lowlights, the energy
of the dance floor, your fascination with me that made me hunger
for you like a kitten yearning for cold cream. I backed it up on you
just to reduce that craving. I wonder now if I regret that.
When I talk to you now, and hear the fuses of your vocal
cords twisting my name, making it sacred in my ears, I become
uncertain. I can no longer sense your all-out adoration for me,
and your tones speak volumes to me. Once you were held in my trance,
taken captive by my curves, the way my chestnut hair clung to my shoulders.
sweat drenched, the spellbinding way my hips moved in an interpretive
variation of a belly dance.
But I feel that my spell is fading, and you fall captive
to the magic of another girl’s assets. I cannot hold onto you,
I can only hold on to our night together, in some sort of urban
paradise, the school cafeteria transformed into our private
Utopia. And for those fragile moments, I can see myself morphing into
your own personal Venus in a butterfly kissed tank-top.
And you, you with your curly blonde hair like life-giving
sun light, and crystalline blue eyes that held captive my
every passionate desire, you were Mars to me, the sacred yet
forbidden love that every young girl longs for in her secret innermost
dreams. I just wish I could tie you up and lock you in my basement,
so that you could be all mine. I would never share you with anyone,
but feed off of your life and strength like a possessive vampire prowling
the night.
But that cannot be. I cannot steal your life-essence so
selfishly, when you have so much to offer to the rest
of the world. I can only thank you for what you gave me
that one night, and make feeble attempts to banish your
face from my dreams.
And I feel like I gave you so much. It was almost as though
I was a porcelain doll, put on display for you. I was like a sample
that tasted sweet in your mouth, a fragrance with intoxicating fumes.
But perhaps one taste was enough for you, one dance all you needed.
But I cannot deny that I need more
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140,563 Literary Works • 673,441 Reviews
thank you. I'll add "on a pedastal" just for you!
Here's some crit...
I really loved your first line about what you mean by 'feel' That linebreak was really well done. The middle lines of that stanza (ie: touched you, kissed you etc.) seemed a little... ah... not unemotional but not the best verbs you could use. Like, perhaps 'dreamed of you' would be a little more emotional (or whatever you wantto call it). 'exotic honey from a forbidden grove' was really creative and that was cool. The last two lines were a little weird and I didn't really like them... don't know why.
I thought the 'territory' line was pretty good... very original and different. I think that after 'take care of you' there should be a period instead of a comma, but I may be wrong. 'Unquenchable' nice word. I really liked your last few lines. You made the emotion come through strong and clear.
I felt 'sticky with sweat and nerves' seemed a little misplaced with the rest of poem's feeling, but am not sure. I didn 't like your second line very much. It was just too surfaced and abrupt. I liked your lines after that though. Those were just beautiful and really set a clear image in your mind.
I'm not sure, but I felt as if the first three lines contradicted each other. You have 'making it [my name] sacred in my ears' and then you are uncertain? I don't see how that would make someone uncertain. I would think it would make someone more certain. I really liked the lines after that, how you described the dance as 'spellbinding'. Very beautiful.
You described your point in this stanza very well. It was really well-done.
I like your description of this guy. It worked really well. Also liked your 'possessive campire' part. I didn't like the 'I wish I could tie you up...' part 'cause it just didn't fit with the feeling of the stanza before it with your 'urban paradise'. It was just a little strange with the contrast in feeling.
I liked your first line. It was a little sad and had a very striking contrast to the rest of the poem, but it worked well. I liked your part about 'making feeble attempts' It really describes the way someone tries to deal with losing love.
The very first sentence was kind of odd, but it wasn't bad. I liked the porcelain doll thoguh I think it might be cool if you added 'on a pedestal'. That would make it really cool. I really, really liked your last few lines. Those were really awesome.
I liked your ending. It left you wondering what was going to happen next, but it concluded the poem very well. Very nicely done.[/i]
I like your writing. Hunter pretty much said exactly what I was thinking.
this had some wonderful lines, some great images. for somewhat, i relate to it. the verse:
)
But I feel that my spell is fading, and you fall captive
to the magic of another girl’s assets. I cannot hold onto you,
I can only hold on to our night together, in some sort of urban
paradise, the school cafeteria transformed into our private
Utopia. And for those fragile moments, I can see myself morphing into
your own personal Venus in a butterfly kissed tank-top.
was gorgeous, espescially the last couple of lines. that verse really saved the poem for me. the other verses, and most strongly the two verses directly after the one i have up above, didn't have that kind of imagery. you lost it a little, started getting two weighed down with images. there was too much going on in this poem, i felt my mind wander a little. it was too long. i think you have a lot to say, but this poem could easily have been split into two poems (maybe one about dancing with him and how it felt and one about how you think you are losing him, how he is someone else's now).
i wouldn't have read this poem if you hadn't asked me, i ouwld have been scared away by the length, but i'm very glad did. i really liked it (despite what you might believe from my crit
I don't know if it's just me, but sometimes I skimmed over the words because they were a bit too much. Still, it was really good, very descriptive.
It got better nearer the end. At the start it didn't grab me, and I got a little bored, but the last few stanzas were brilliant. Otherwise, I found it too wordy, but if that's the style you were aiming for or like, then well done. It had some really nice lines and ideas, but sometimes they were conveyed in a way that seemed over-done, but I think it was alright in this case. Good job.
just a side note: I wasn't drunk when I was dancing with him, it was just meant to say his presence was intoxicating. if you know what I mean. Just a metaphor,
yeah. I plugged a lot of people. I was really desperate for crit on this one cuz I want to make it good so it'll really mean something.
thank you.
Oh my gosh I loved it. Usually I don't read poems but since you asked I thought what the heck. And I'm glad you did. Wow! No crit. I can't wait to read more of your poems. Just send me a message next time you have one.
i agree. it starts to get stronger as you keep reading. thats what I wanted it to do.
I have to say, that at first I was prepared to not like this poem, the opening lines just set me off somehow against this. But the more I read, the more I liked it. And by the time I got to the last line ("But I cannot deny that I need more") I really loved this. The imagery was really powerful and I liked the flow of the poem.
The only thing that I would change is the wording in this stanza:
And you, you with your curly blonde hair like life-giving
sun light, and crystalline blue eyes that held captive my
every passionate desire, you were Mars to me, the sacred yet
forbidden love that every young girl longs for in her secret innermost
dreams. I just wish I could tie you up and lock you in my basement,
so that you could be all mine. I would never share you with anyone,
but feed off of your life and strength like a possessive vampire prowling
the night.
It just doesn't work for me somehow...
Over all, good work...
Great job, and i agree with hunter, i don't like poetry all that much, but this kept me reading until the end.
Normally I would have hated the poor line breaks and storylike format, but you make it work. I say great job!
Wow, I don't usually like love poems, but I loved this one!!! The rhythm was beautiful and the poem flowed even though it had irregular line breaks. I really don't know what to say besides Awesome! That was really cool and I loved the way the feelings were described at the end. Nice
That's the most time I've spent reading a poem in a long time, Misty--you kept me interested long enough to have me finish this, so that's gotta count for something! As much as I don't like poetry, I DID like this, very much so.