sprinkled thoughts on my bowl of brain
squeeze fresh death on the soul for pain
scour the paper for printed love
skyline above -- dropping doves
scrap the scars off of your teeth
and make sure to floss the frozen feet
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
I would be much quicker to call these shower thoughts because Good Lord.
Really, the only line that doesn't make sense, even conceptually to me, is the ending because putting on socks doesn't equate to flossing to me--though maybe it's a different equation because of the socks with toes? Am I overthinking it? Regardless, it's a confusing finishing move and I'd prefer to see this end on something worth chewing on for quite some time. And...well, I suppose that final line serves that purpose, but for the wrong reasons.
That's just about it, really. Short and to the point. Shower thoughts. You must be an interesting friend in the mornings.
Ty
Hello, MisterKelt. Kilg here with a review!
I like the entirety of this piece but I do feel as though you could've made it longer. I think it has more potential than you have portrayed.
I'm certainly not saying that you have to, it's just a suggestion. Anyways, I like the use of language within this poem, and I'm quite fond of the personal style choice of now capitalizing things, I personally choose this style as well.
However, like others below have stated, you use hyphens in "skyline above -- dropping doves", when really a simple comma would do just fine. That's all I have to point how because I really do like this piece. I just think you could expand on it more.
Keep writing, and have a nice day.
~ Kilg
Hi there MisterKelt, it's Gymnast2801 here with a review of The Marauders!
Hmm, this was very interesting! You were very creative with your referrals but I'm not sure it all fit together well. It was hard for me to understand very well, but I liked how you rhymed everything together.
- skyline above -- dropping doves -
I'm wondering how this connects to breakfast? Because to me, it doesn't.
- and make sure to floss the frozen feet -
This is a bit odd but I like how sounds in the poem.
Overall, I think this could improve and maybe lengthen some, but it's and nice start!
Great job and please keep on writing!
~Gymnast2801 for The Marauders.
Hello MisterKelt and welcome to the site! DreamingForever is here to review Break--Fast!
I love how short and sweet your poem is. It combines the thought of breakfast and the thouught of life.
When you said
I noticed that you use two hyphens. I don’t know if this is a grammar mistake or not, but I just wanted to point it out for you.
I also wanted to point out punctuation. You didn’t use any, which is fine, but you can always add some. If you add some, though, you have to add it to all of your lines. If a sentence is continued throughout several lines, add a comma at the end of all the lines until you get to the ending period.
Even if you don’t add punctuation on the end of the lines, you have to capitalize the beginnings, and that’s something I noticed you were missing. Just a few tips!
Keep writing!
Dream
Hi. This is kman134 here with a review.
Strangely, this reminds me of a disturbing version of a raisin brand jingle. The message behind it is macabre and slightly nihilistic. it's like listening to a Nirvana song.
"scrap the scars off of your teeth."
the imagery of it was much cringing with the thought of forcibly removing the skin of my own teeth made me think about how life will end in decay and deterioration, and that there is no method of postponing the inevitable.
Anyway, this was a pretty good song lyric and if Nirvana was still around, they would applaud to your writing. hope you write some more stuff.