My Crush

Miss Tasha, this was a very cute poem. I liked your rhyme scheme; perhaps I would work a bit on the syllabic counting to make it sound better since you have many shorts lines next to long lines. I liked your use of onomatopoeia and word choice (sparkle, heavenly, ...)Good start, keep writing. Hurtado

Hey,
So the other reviewers have talked about how it is cliche and all that crap, yes it is, yes you can change it to make it better and well more personal, and yes you should.
But you have to start somewhere, and while teenage love (or love in general) may not be the best of choices, you gave it a go. So well done for that.

So in saying this, the other reviews have already talked about ways to improve, and they are all very good ideas and you should listen to them. But the key is to make it personal. Poetry is about expressing your ideas, emotions, messages to the world, you are writing from the heart, something you believe to be important, so you shouldn't give a cuffufle what others think you should write about.
But saying this you should always strive to improve your writing, so think about what you want to say, and then go about in saying the way you want to, the way which best reflects you.
Listen to others, learn from them but at the end of the day do what you belief to be right, if a reviewer suggests something which you know will improve your poems then try it out.

Ok, so you need to take to heart what I've said and apply it to this poem. Does this peom best reflect your feelings? Have you written this poem how you want to, and in a way that reflects you? Does it come from your heart? And does it show exactly how you are feeling?

You can only get better, and you shouldn't be discouraged, you have it in you to produce really good poems.
Keep writing and good job!

Nargles xxx
P.S if you have any questions or just want a chat feel free to PM me

You need more descriptions. You need to show how you really feel about them. This poem is childish and something you hear on daily basis.


Too many periods and placed in the wrong places.

Go back to English 1 and 2.

Your style should be changed and certain stanzas and what-not should be removed or placed somewhere else rather than where they are.

Hi there!

Alrighty, I've got just a few comments. The first thing is that my predecessor on the review board has hit a lot of really good points. There are a lot of cliches in here and it is a very typical teenage love poem. To spice it up you're going to have to make it more "you." You need to capture how you feel about this person. Don't stick to common phrases everyone on the planet has used to describe how they feel about the person they have feelings for. Examples are:

"Your eyes sparkle like the night sky"

or

"You're God's gift to Earth"

There are many better ways to describe your loved one; use something more unique! These are your feelings, so capture them in a way that only you would use, not a million other people. Love poems (strangely) are the hardest to write because you have to show people how strong your love is while being true to who the person you're writing about. In other words, don't expect it to be Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 right off the bat. They're a process, but as you grow as a writer, you'll end up with something good at some point. Keep working on this!

Cheers,
Luxe

OK.
Here are some technical issues with this:
My crush my crush. [Add in comma after crush, both of them]
You give me such a rush. [Period is ok here]
When I hear your name. [Should be a comma, not a period]
My heart beats insane. [Period ok]
Your eyes sparkle like the night sky. [ok, this line is SO CLICHE, just take it out, besides it doesn't even really flow and fit here and breaks up the rythym]
Your smile lights up a whole room. [Cliche]
My crush, you make my heart go boom boom boom. [Take out my crush to help with the flow]
You're God's gift to Earth, a heavenly presence. [Again, CLICHE, take it out, it doesn't fit]
Even though my heart beats for you. [Comma, not a period]
I can't find the courage to go up and talk to you.
You are my crush, my crush that gives me a rush.


You don't need to add a period at the end of every single sentance.

Here are some other issues:
Here we have the typical teenage love poem that everyone has heard before. I'd suggest maybe adding in synonyms or something. These are the poems that we see scribbled on a binder in middle school. Even finding another topic for the beginning of your writing might help you. It's tough starting out, but it's the critiques that improve an author's style, it improved mine by lightyears. You'll get better with time. Don't give up and keep writing!